Salam Everyone,
just to let all my dearest family and friends and acquaintances know that I would not be spilling my thoughts here anymore.
Yes, I have finally decided to move on from friendster blog to wordpress. So, do visit me there for I welcome you guys in my warm (virtual reality) embrace.
http://afizaazmee.wordpress.com/
Hugs and Kisses,
Afiza Azmee
Comments Off
Filed under: The life of med student
Aku tak ingat sejak bila family aku membudayakan annual celebration. Rasanya waktu aku sekolah rendah dulu, birthday aku cuma di’wish’. And I thought that was perfectly normal and acceptable. Even time sekolah rendah, tidak pernah terlintas dalam fikiran nak sambut Mother’s day ke…Father’s day ke…or whatever. Valentine’s Day lagilah….boleh imagine macam mana reaksi mak dan ayah kalau tau anak2 dier bercinta sebelum habis sekolah menengah. Kalau tak kena rotan, maybe kena tahan leteran sampai bernanah cuping telinga.
Back then, we celebrated meaningful occasions that may or may not come annually. Basically, something being an annual occasion was never a good enough reason to celebrate it. Contohnya, kalau aku dapat number satu ke….atau kitorang dapat straight A’s for UPSR, PMR and SPM ke, barulah mak dgn ayah nak celebrate. (basically academic performance pass as meaningful occasions to be celebrated since we do place academic performance as a very, very important thing indeed)
Maybe sejak Kak Long masuk MRSM Taiping (rasanya semuanya idea dierr lah) that we started to buy gifts for our parents for Mother’s or Father’s Days, respectively. We also started buying gifts for each other’s birthdays then. Which, I think is one of the reasons we were quite close as siblings (when all we did most of the time were child-bickeringsback then, at least they were some occasions when we were not).
Rasanya parents aku mula2 mcm terharu juga kot, tiba2 anak2 dier start nak wish Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and all that. Mesti mula2 tu diorang rasa, dah buang tabiat ke anak2 aku nih! huuhuhu. But then, they started taking their cues from us, started taking us out for dinner for all our birthdays. So now, we got gifts for both academic performances and birthdays…which is really greatttt!!
Maybe juga sebab makin anak2 membesar, makin kita sedar we don’t have much time or much occasions dah nak celebrate together….
So, even though I still believe that we should not celebrate something just because it happens to arrive at a specific date for any given year, but those celebrations are really great reasons to just get-together, hang out, make them feel loved and love them in return.
But we still never think of New Year as a celebration. Aku tak pernah celebrate New Year….tak rasa teruja langsung dengan New Year. I mean, kalau kita jadikan New year itu sebagai salah satu cara untuk mengukuhkan ikatan kekeluargaan antara family (saling menziarahi, saling telefon bertanya khabar, bersembang dan mengimbau kenangan sama2 sepanjang tahun) then, that’s good. That means, you’ve got some sort of common sense not to celebrate New Year just because oh, it happens to be the first day of 2009.
Tapi kalau kita celebrate New Year for no other reason than that, then I suggest that we should have our mental faculty checked. Especially if it is celebrated with concerts, parties and rempits di jalan.
I shake heads at the news of bad things happening during the eve of New Year. Konon azam baru lah…be a better person etc.
In fact, bila aku pikir balik, sejak bila negara kita celebrate new year sampai mcm ni sekali? Aku rasa time aku kecik2 dulu, Malaysia tak celebrate new year sampai mcm ni sekali. Tak tahulah kalau dulu tak ada siaran2 langsung ni…and aku yang kat Kedah ni maybe tak tahu apa yang jadi kat tempat lain. But seriously, aku rasa New Year celebration start jadi dahsyat dalam lima, enam tahun lepas jer. Sejak kita mula start bersiaran langsung for everything and semua station TV saling berlumba2 nak naikkan ratings.
Susah juga nak salahkan artis, nak salahkan station TV or what. It’s a basic principle in business that supply would meet demand, or die trying. So kalau orang2 Malaysia sendiri tak enjoy benda2 ni…mustahil diorang nak adakan. So, it’s really our own faults, much as I hate to admit it.
I don’t have any New Year Resolutions. I only have New Day Resolution:
-hari ni siapkan homework, lepas tu masak.
-Esok bangun awal and pre-read sebelum masuk kelas.
I have new goals everyday. And my determination fluctuates every single moment of my life. I just wanna be a better Muslim, a better daughter, a great sister (though I think I am already one, hihihi) and a good medical student who can impress the doctors.
Maybe sempena New Year ni, I will start a new blog…my Kak Long been nagging me to change for a better venue to vent all my anger, sadness, happines etc. She suggested blogdrive. I haven’t made up my mind.
She thinks it’s high time aku berhijrah…maybe’s she’s right.
3 Comments »
Filed under: Family Life
Frust…
That is one word I would use to describe my sentiment towards Malay fiction books.
Boredom…
Another word most apt to describe all the yawnings that went on whenever I even contemplate picking up a Malay novel.
My Love Affair
I love good books. But if medicine is my marriage, then fiction books would be my love affair. Like a love affair, it always induces guilty feelings. For example, whenever you spend your time with your lover, you feel you should use that time for your legally married partner.
That’s exactly how I feel with novels. Kalau baca novel…rasa bersalah sebab merasakan seolah-olah kena study. But love (unlike duty and a sense of responsibility) can cause you to lose all common sense. And that kind of disease should be avoided at all cost…but sometimes one can’t help it.
I grew up having to hide my reading from my parents. They thought that my reading habit is “melampau! Kalau baca buku pelajaran sama macam baca buku cerita, mesti dok dapat nombor satu sedia-sedia.”
I used to read books with no other source of light other than the one coming from a torchlight, hidden beneath a blanket. I used to bring books into the toilet and spend more than half an hour reading on the toilet seat. So in terms of the secrecy and the fear of being found out, my reading habit is just like a sordid love affair.
Now that I am all grown up, my parents has ceased lecturing me about books…
I love being grown up!
Reading History
I have started reading since I was six. My dad bought me all those ’siri kanak-kanak’ full with moral values. There were lots of pictures as well. I was very, very enthralled. But as I grew up, I have finished reading all my own books and my elder sister’s as well. There were no more children books to read. My dad refused to buy me any unless I became at the top of my class…which I always did back then. But that means I only got new books once per semester.
So I started poking my nose on my dad’s book shelves.
When I was 9 years old, I have started reading Hikayat Inderaputera which was a book that my dad had had to study when he was in form 6, back during his schooling years. I loved the beautiful medieval malay words…
“Hatta kalakian diceterakan oleh orang yang empunya cetera ini demikan bunyinya. Alkisah peri mengatakan tatkala Inderaputera disuruh Raja Syahian pergi kepada Berma Sakti dan peri mengatakan tatkala Inderaputera beroleh pedang daripada Laksamana dan peri mengatakan tatkala Inderaputera bertemu dengan tengkorak berkata-kata.”
I was 9 and I had no idea at that time that I was going to enter IB and choose Malay Literature for my EE. I am proud to say that I had chosen Hikayat Inderaputera for my EE and Alhamdulillah got an A for it.
I had also read Sejarah Melayu by Tun Sri Lanang when I was nine. I loved it.
I loved Malay books back then. Besides, I was not born being good in English so English books were not my main choice back then. But I could remember beautiful words from the ancient Malay literature on my dad’s book shelves. I have read Ranjau Sepanjang Jalan years before I had had to study it in IB. Saga too, was one of my reading choices back then. I read poetries by Indonesian writers when I could scarcely understand what it all means. I just knew that the words were beautifully arranged.
In school, I would sacrifice my ‘rehat’ time and go to the libarary. My choice of books in school were not very literary (unlike at home)…there were only Siri Salma, Siri Tiga Penyiasat, Hardy Boys… I read all of those that I could get my hands on.
I could not decide which one I love more….literature or non-literary fiction?
Because of my reading habit, I had many-many stories on top of my head. I used to entertain my friends with stories of ‘dracula’ as we were waiting for ‘pak cik bas’ to pick us up. My childhood friends were so impressed with my story-telling because they thought I created the story on my own. I did not tell them that the original author was Bram Stoker. Hahahha.
I have read many translated literature as well…Hikayat Amir Hamzah, Perjalanan Ke Pusat Bumi (originally from Jules Verne; Journey to The centre of the earth), Seribu Satu Malam (The Arabian Nights)….all those when I was only nine. All literarry pieces translated into Malay.
I enjoyed Malay books sooo much back then. Only very occasionally do I read Enid Blyton’s English fiction and short strories.
But when I was ten, my elder sister started being a fan of Francine Pascals…so there were many Sweet Valley series at our home. This marked the start of my reading English fiction. From age 10 to 15, I read lots of common books that teenagers read. Sweet Valley, books by Christopher Pike, R.L Stine. All my pocket money went to English Fiction…I have happily forgotten Malay novels.
I have also forgotten about my fascination with literature and beautiful medieval words..preferring to read about mysteries and ghosts and crime fiction faced by high school protagonists.
Thankfully, when I went to Langkawi, my good friend cum roommate, Annisa revived my love for literature. She loves poetries…she could write her own beautiful poetries. She grew up with English Literature…Rudyard Kipling, Arthur Conan Doyle, Charlote Bronte etc. She made me try my hand at writing my own English poetries (before this I only wrote English short stories). In fact my poetry-writing era was in Langkawi because I have someone who would read my works and who also happened to love writing herself.
So, that’s when I started reading English literature in earnest. No more translated version….I read the English version of The Arabian Nights, I read the English Version of Journey To The Centre of The Earth (originally a French Literature). And I also discovered Charlotte Bronte’s amazing works such as The Professor, Jayne Eyre and Villete. I discovered Jane Austen in Langkawi too and have read all of them except for The Mansfield Park. I used to spend one whole day reading Far Away From The Madding Crowd (by Thomas Hardy) instead of doing Add Maths homework which was the one subject that I was always quite behind.
And now, I am balancing my love for both literary and non-literary fiction.
But none of those include Malay books…
I would like to try renewing my love for Malay literature….I have tried reading Faisal Tehrani but while I like some of his books, I could not say that I truly enjoyed them all that much. Not as much as I enjoyed ‘To Kill A Mocking Bird’ at least.
It’s really hard to find good books…but with English books, at least both literature and non-literature books are enjoyable and quite intelligent. The research of English adventure and crime fiction (auhored by the liked of David Baldacci, Dan Brown, Jeffrey Archer, Matthew Reilly) are superbly-done.
But with Malay books….only literatures can claim superb research…tu pun kebanyakannya sastera yang boring! Susah nak cari sastera yang research nya bagus but at the same time enjoyable.
Non-literature Malay books….tak payah ceritalah. Yang banyak cuma kisah cinta! There’s nothing wrong with love stories….but at least biarlah ada ilmu sikit. Do your research lah, please…
Kalau Male Protagonist tu bekerja sebagai businessman….at least kasi ilmu mcm mana nak set up your own business. Lesen2 yg diperlukan to set it up…those things can be found dalam bahagian perdagangan buku Kemahiran Hidup PMR! Kalau the Female Protagonist is a doctor…research lah betul2 pasal benda2 yang berkaitan sampai pembaca boleh hayati and faham what is it involved…
For example when I was reading Jeffrey Archer’s ‘First Among Equals’…I could understand the whole British Political System. It was really that good. When I read ‘A prisoner of Birth’…I got a glimpse about the law and some of the vocab used in the law society.
Kalau Malay love stories…I learn nothing! Semuanya khayalan kisah cinta semata2. Walaupun lelaki itu bekerja sebagai lawyer, tapi aku tak tahu apa2 pasal kerja dia. Tempat kerja lelaki tu hanyalah setting untuk dia berjumpa dengan heroin…Tak ada bezanya kalau dia buat watak lelaki tu doctor, or petani or whatever….sebab memang tak ada info yg diselit supaya pembaca betul2 dapat rasa yang lelaki ni sememangnya lawyer. Nampak sgt lah jahilnya penulis itu…yang hanya tulis pasal pertemuan antara lelaki dan perempuan, and how they slowly like each other, and then ada konflik sikit2 and then that’s it! Nak cakap ada ayat2 sastera yang sedap pun tak juga! Nothing special.
Now if you read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code….there are so many moments when you can say…”Oh, now I get it!” or “Oh, itu ke Fibonacci numbers” or, “Oh, this is what anagram is all about!”. You always learn something new that makes it exciting!
Kalau sastera melayu pula…hmm, tak berani nak cakap lebih2 because I am not that much of a fan. So far I have only read Ranjau Sepanjang Jalan, Salina, Saga, some Indonesian Poetries and only those I had to read in IB. I should probably find more of those before I can make a decisive opinion. I guess, I don’t really like modern Malay literature. I just love the medieval Malay literature, like sastera hikayat and some of the Arabic literature yang diterjemah.
I wanted to stop being disappointed with our Malay books…but whenever I went to Populour (the only decent book store in Alor Star, damn it!) and saw all those trashy novels being displayed, my heart sank in frustration. So again and again, I picked up english literature or English books, feeling like I have betrayed my own race.
Come on, Malay Writers! Wake up! Read up! And Improve!
6 Comments »
Filed under: Love Affair with Books
I have a major decision to make. A decision that is going to alter the course of my life as a med student. (Do I sound dramatic enough?)
Nak dok sedap ke nak dok murah?
Hall has become too expensive. Maybe this year, I would still be able to afford it…but I don’t think I will be able to do the same for next year.
So, aku decide nak dok murah. I decide to go out of hall and fly away from life of dependency…to a wild uncertainty! Man! The thing is, I really love hidup kat hall! So convenient! All I have to do is study! Tak payah buat kerja rumah, library dekat! Tapi tahun ni mahal mendadak! Nak pengsan aku!
And bila aku tengok junior2 aku ada yg dah pi Jepun lah etc…I feel soooo jealous. Bila lagi aku nak travel if not now? And to travel, you need money! Money!!
So aku dah decide, sementara aku masih muda remaja ni (ewah!) biarlah aku hidup susah and save duit so that I could travel and see the world. Maybe kalau aku cukup duit boleh pi UK ke.
So, with that decision, aku kena ubah byk benda. Not just my house but my whole lifestyle!
1) No more coffee.
-Coffee mmg menjahanamkan my budget. Satu cawan Caramel Mocha is AUD 3, and I usually had two a day. Bukannya sebab aku mengantuk sgt kadang2 tu….but just because I really love coffee. Tu belum lagi makanan2 lain yg aku suka: Quiche, Blueberry Danish…those are the food I ate with my coffee. All that have to go! Waaaaa!!!! I really, really like Blueberry Danish.
-Aku pernah ckp ngan dayah, “Aku tak paham duit aku habis kat mana. Aku tak beli baju, aku tak beli kasut, aku jarang sgt2 shopping benda2 mcm tu…”
-Bila aku pikir balik…coffee aku satu hari 6 dollar! Kumpul seminggu dah boleh beli 2 helai baju 15 dollar!! Tu baru kumpul seminggu! Cuba kumpul sebulan….haih, boleh jadi jutawan baju!
-Bila beli kopi, apa aku dapat? Masuk perut, cerna, keluar jadi bahan kumuhan! At least kalau beli baju, you got something to keep!
- So with the heaviest of heart…I decide to abstain from buying anymore caramel Mocha. Aku nak beli thermos and bancuh my own coffee! Bukan setakat 2 cawan, bercawan2 pun aku boleh minum! And I will pack my own lunch! No more Quiche, no more Danish, no more Subway!
2) Invest on a bicycle
-AKu dah lama bercita2 nak beli basikal. Tapi aku tak pernah beli sebab aku suka jalan. I walk fast and I can run when I have to.
-Tapi bila dah masuk 4th year, I am no longer going to the uni. My whole time will be spent at the hospital. So, jalan mcm mana laju pun, hospital is still toooo far….
-So, aku akan start naik basikal kot! Tambang bas pergi balik 6 dollar! (sama harga 2 cawan coffee!!). Macam siot jerr…..save duit dekat coffee, habis the exact same amount untuk transport pula! (I really love being a 4th year….but the transport part is a real pain!)
3)Change my whole diet!
-cut down makanan! Budget makanan kena kurangkan! (susah, susah, susah, susah nak buat)
-As someone who is trying to be positive, I keep thinking that at least, I will be able to slim down a bit.
-Aku betul2 kena budget apa yg aku nak masak and I will stick to it. Kalau aku teringin nak makan benda lain (Krispy Creme, pizza, kebab)…. aku akan tungguuuuu sampai hujung bulan. Kalau duit lebih baru aku beli. (ye ke ni??)
-Can I give up on comfort food? Chocolate? Ice-cream? Junk Food? Hmm….maybe beli satu jenis sahaja per week. Chocolate ke Ice-cream? Junk Food ke Chocolate? Tak pun beli 2 jenis jer! Junk food+chocolate but no ice-cream…..or chocolate + ice-cream but no junkfood? Junk food + ice cream but no chocolate? (Ni dah mcam buat combination and permutation dlm subjek statistik!)
4) No more studying in the library?
- Sanggup ke aku give up yang ini? Kalau duk hall dulu senang…aku balik 2,3 pagi. Rasa selamat jer walaupun kdg2 tu seram sejuk nak jalan sorang2.
-Tapi kalau duk luar, maybe I won’t study in the library anymore. Internet kt umah maybe tak selaju internet kt on-campus. That means aku kena make sure semua kerja2 membuat nota yg memerlukan internet disiapkan menggunakan internet kt hospital. I also have to buy my own printer now. Mustahil aku sanggup pergi library uni semata2 nak print!
-This is the one thing that I still have to think through. If I still want to study in the library, how should I arrange my schedule? Until I got my scedule for next year, I can’t decide on this just yet.
But you know, maybe I should just go with the flow. Tak payah pikir dahsyat2 lagi. A truly flexible person is a great person (this is my personal motto from now on!). So in order to be a great person, I have to be flexible, adaptable to change, less rigid. Kalau susah, kena sabar. Think of my goal: Travel!! Bila lagi nak buat? Dah kerja nanti, tak der dah!
So 2009 is going to be a bit adventurous for me. There’s going to be a whole lot of adapting and changing! Even 4th year is the start of clinical years, another change!
But I will embrace it all! Adapt the best way I knew how. Or get exhausted trying!
2 Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
I have finished reading three novels in a row. Eventhough reading ( only anything non-academic) is my passion, but too much of a good thing sometimes can be a bit exhausting and boring.
My brain demanded that I should do something more intellectual with my time. This is my brain way of saying, “Aku dah berkarat asyik baca novels! Read something else, pls!”
So when I don’t read novels, I try my damnedest hard to read something intellectual off the internet. To meet that goal, I usually visited 3 blogs:
It does not mean that I agree with everything I read. It just means that at least I read something else other than medicine, fiction novels and newspapers. And it causes me to have something stimulating to think about.
One article from saifulislam.com has succeeded to command my attention completely. It was titled ‘cinta songsang semakin songsang’. It discussed homosexuality in a manner that is not accusatory but rather in a compassionate manner. Very rare do we hear religious icons discuss this controversial topic in this way.
I mean, think about it! If anyone could choose, why would they choose to be homosexual? But does that mean it is not a choice? That it is something you are born with? So, how is it fair that we are condemning someone base on something that he/she could not control.
But here’s a thought. I really think that things like these can be controlled. This is only my opinion…I am not saying my interpretation is accurate. To me, everyone has their own destiny and set of trials in life. We are all born with our own trials to overcome until we die and meet our Maker. Sesetengah orang dilahirkan miskin dari lahir sampai mati…tapi untuk memenuhi fitrah manusia yang cintakan kebendaan, dia still tak boleh mencuri. Sesetengah orang ditakdirkan tidak berjodoh sampai bila2, tapi tak bermaksud dia boleh berzina or masturbate.
Sesetengah orang ditakdirkan menerima ujian tertarik kepada kaum sejantina, but that does not mean you can be gay!
After all said and done, we are only going to live in this world give and take 70 years. And if we succeed to overcome these set of trials that have been written in our destiny, then we are going to be fine,iA.
Kemiskinan vs Ke’gay’ an…how can we measure which one is worse? So org2 yg gay ni tak payahlah dok cakap how hard their lives is when society does not accept them as a person. Just as society does not accept thieves even if they are poor, society also does not accept gays just because they are born with a different sexual inclination. We all should know that we are faced with a certain trial in life and we have to go through life passing them.
Think about those who are born handicapped? Their imperfection terang dan nyata. Their lives must be harder. Everytime they look in the mirror, they will be reminded of their inadequacies, everytime they interact with others they have to deal with lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Semua orang ada kesusahan masing2…bezanya samada orang nak menurut hati atau mengikut petimbangan akal fikiran yang sihat (which can only be achieved when you follow your religion.)
This topic also reminds me about that hot issue that my tutorial disccussed during the sexual week. I was the only one in my tutorials who openly said that “My religion does not accept homosexuality.” Orang lain ada juga cakap berlapik2 sikit. Well, in retrospect, maybe I should soften my opinion a bit…maybe aku patut cakap in a different way or something.
But I lack the kind of charming social skills that a lot of people are born with.
I told Dr. Outram in the tutorial, “Just because I am a Muslim, it does not mean that I am going to treat my homosexual patient less optimally. It does not mean I am going to yell at them or treat them badly. But I cannot lie when I am asked about it. I just cannot lie about it.” Aku malaslah nak terangkan bahawa sebagai Muslim aku tak boleh nak menghalalkan apa yang haram sebab tu jatuh kafir. I mean, they would not understand pun.
“So, let’s say I am your patient now and I ask you this question: Doctor, what do you think about homosexuality?” Dr. Outram challenged me in front of all my tutmates.
I shrugged and said, ”well, as a Muslim, I believe that homosexuality is a sin.” Waktu tu, aku tak boleh nak fikir, macam mana aku nak jawab tanpa menyebut perkataan ‘dosa’ or something along those lines. I mean, aku tak derlah baik sgt nak berceramah kt org. Tapi bila org minta opinion aku (and I always have lots of strong opinions) I tend to give it. Aku tak boleh nak fikir mcm mana nak bagi opinion tentang isu yg kontroversi begini but still sound diplomatic.
“Ok, now I will ask J (my tutmate). Dr J, what do you think about homosexuality?” Dr. Sue Outram asked him the same question she had asked me. I knew she wanted to see how does my answer compare with J.
J smiled confidently and said in his Australian drawl, “I think that homosexuality is very common in Australia nowadays,”
Ohhhh! Waktu tu baru aku tahu that there is this tactic called ‘diversion’ that we can use in a conversation. Instead of really answering the question, we just answer it in a different way. It’s tricky, really. You don’t have to lie, but you also do not need to answer the truth.
Another example; “Doctor, I need an abortion. What do you think about abortion, doctor?” Of course, what the patient is asking is: do you think badly of me if I want to abort this baby?
My answer would be: I think that an abortion is just a method of running away from the problem rather than facing it responsibly. I would strongly suggest you reconsider other possible options available in this kind of situation.
J’s dipomatic answer would be: I think that abortion is a choice that many people have made for the past ten years. Statistics have shown that some of these procedures can be quite life-threatening but there is a much greater percentage of safe outcomes when this is done in a clinic that is fully-equipped to deal with such cases.
J plays safe. He did not give his opinion. He just talked about general facts; oh, homosexuality is acceptable in society nowadays. oh, abortion has become a choice for a lot of people. Rather than giving an opinion, he was giving an observation.
Hari itu, aku belajar something new. How to not lie and still sound diplomatic. It’a a useful skill, but it’s something that I will never be able to do naturally.
Slowly I am beginning to distrust charming people who say the kindest of words. Because it may not be what they really feel. People can say what’s not really in their heart, and they can pass that off as:
1) I was being diplomatic, like any civilized and good person would.
2) I was just joking. Did you think I was serious?
3) It is just a white lie
J is number 1 kind. I knew him very well. He is charming, he is flirtatious, he says all the right words….but do I trust him? No way! He is the kind of guy who would stand up in the cafeteria table when I stand up and would only sit down when I sit down, and would offer to carry your books for you, but it’s just something that he does to be charming and diplomatic. His manner would impress you but his sincerity is questionable.
I rather like D, the Singapore-born Australian Chinese, who showed me exactly what he thought about my comments regarding homosexuality but at least he was honest! Of course, when he first opened his mouth, I thought he was being sarcastic with me. I thought that he was saying I was not tolerant.
But on the way to one of our clinics, D told me that he understood what I meant when I said ‘I can’t lie about what I feel regarding homosexuality’. I made him understand that I was not being intolerant, I was just being truthful.
“Yes, I know exactly what you mean. As a doctor, we tend to tailor our treatment options based on our belief system. I mean, I myself will not be able to deal with patients who ask me to help him be gay. I will just refer him to a counsellor or something.”
At that moment, I knew D was not gay ( I had thought he was gay when he sounded so annoyed with my ‘intolerance’ in the sexual tutorial).
Dr. Sue Outram once was so annoyed with me that she asked, “I know your religion says that homosexuality is not acceptable but as a future doctor, can you believe that gays are just like us? That they are not more likely to get AIDS than the rest of us? That they are just normal people too?”
I was stumped. Kalau aku cakap, I disagree….lagilah org cakap aku tak tolerant. Tapi takkan aku nak agree pula because I really didn’t. Aku just terdiam…and it really hurts my pride. I hate not being able to give a reply!
Dr. Outram sambung lagi, “You know, I knew this Iranian woman who is also a sexual counsellor. She was asked by a guy, what do you think about masturbation? And her answer was, scientifically there is no evidence that masturbation is harmful. And then the guy asked her, but why is it prohibited in the religion? To that question she gave a very good reply: I am a scientist and I give my point of view as a scientist. You should ask that question to your religious leader for an answer.”
Semua org rasa jawapan tu hebat. AKu jer rasa jawapan tu dahsyat! I wonder, is the Iranian woman a Muslim? Dr. Outram noticed my silence, so aku terpaksa juga cakap…
“I can’t give that kind of answer.” Aku cakap jer. Tapi aku mcm tak tahu kenapa aku rasa that kind of answer is bad. But I just knew mcm pelik. Mcm mana kita boleh tergamak nak cakap…oh jawapan aku sebagai doctor is A, tapi jawapan aku sebagai muslim is B. Mcm mana tu?
However, at that time, aku tak tahu mcm mana nak bagi tutmate aku faham that any sincere Muslim (or a sincere Christian, or even a sincere Jew) takkan bagi jawapan mcm budak Iran tu. Since aku tak der idea mcm mana nak cakap kat diorang I just said, “I can’t separate who I am as a Muslim and who I am as a doctor. I am a Muslim doctor. It comes in a package.”
Dr. Outram mengeluh (hahhahah, mesti rasa aku ni a pain in the ass) and then she said, “Well, we are teaching you the Australian way of dealing with this subject. We are a secular society (she actually use the word secular) and this is how we approach the issue when there’s a clash between religious values and science.”
When she said that, baru aku faham apa yg salah dgn jawapan budak Iran tu. Before this, I only knew that I could never give that kind of answer. But I did not know why. But after having heard Sue Outram’s words, I knew exactly why the Iranian’s answer is wrong, something that no average sincere Muslim would say.
It is because what the Iranian was saying implies that there’s a clash between science and religion. As a Muslim, we believe that there’s no clash. That science supports religion. No sincere Muslim would say, “Oh, this is my answer as a doctor. If you want my answer as a Muslim, wait until 5 o’clock when I no longer have the stethoscope around my neck!” Mana boleh cakap mcm tu! Maybe J can…but I am not J.
So, still controlling my excited feelings, I told my tutorial group that, “It depends on how you look at it. The Iranian said that there is no medical evidence saying that masturbation is harmful. But the religion may not be concerned about medical evidence. There could be a psychological harm instead of a medical harm. For example, there are evidence that showed that when you masturbate, you will feel less pleasure when you have sex with your partner becasue you have associated sexual pleasure with your sex toys. They have developed positive association between pleasure and masturbation that the normal sexual encounter would not be as pleasurable anymore.”
Tutmates aku semua terdiam. Maybe diorang tak sangka I can talk about such things so forthrightly (they thought I was an innocent who does not know anything and would only blush and stammer when talking about sexual issues.) Dr. Sue Outram pula kalih subjek lain lepas tu. Me? I felt a sense of triumph! J looked at me (in his usual charming way that I distrust) “Remind me never to argue with you.”
It’s dodgy, really! It’s dodgy the way people just pick and choose what medical evidence they want to blurt out as long as it supports their own opinion.
Contohnya: Org yg pro-homosexuality would quote facts saying that “Some research has shown that certain chemicals are present during the fetal development causing the brain to wire itself to be more inclined to homosexuality.” They will talk about some obscure research saying that homosexuality is natural.
Tapi org yg against homosexuality would quote facts regarding anatomy, physiology, biochemistry and reproductive function!
If we want to talk about facts and evidence, there are soooooo many of them in the medical journals that we would not be able to keep track of all of them! There are actually medical evidence to support two opposite views! But when people are promoting a certain opinion, they only choose the ‘facts’ or the ‘evidences’ that support their own inclination!
And look at creation and evolution! Both views are backed up with scientific evidences even though they are two very opposite views! Tapi org yg percaya Tuhan, akan quote facts yg back up ketuhanan. Org yg atheist, akan quote facts yg lain pula. But both claim they are scientific!
So, sebenarnya lecturers and doctors tak lah berbeza sgt dgn ahli politik! As long as the facts are in their favours, they would present it scientifically and ignore other scientific facts that are opposite to theirs.
Bias is everywhere. We must always be on our guard!
So the conclusion is, we can acually manipulate science and medical evidence as long as we read a lot and we know where to look. So, really, it does not matter what science says because most of the time, people will just go ahead and do whatever they want anyway. Sure, it sounds nice when we give scientific evidence to convince ppl that they should revert to Islam…but did you know that Christianity also has their own scientific evidence? So, aku dah tak teruja dgn science in terms of its ability to convince ppl to do what’s right. Most of the time, ppl only follow science when it suits their own purpose. Lagipun, cuba kita buat kajian, berapa ramai org peluk Islam sebab science rather than sebab kahwin? Science appeals to the mind, but ‘kahwin’ appeals to the heart. Who will win? The mind or the heart?
Ustaz Hasrizal says something along this line: “Bukan untuk memberi tahu, tetapi ingin mencetus mahu.”
That’s why in a war between the heart and the mind, the heart usually always wins even though the mind calls for the truths.
Therefore, I have started my own philosophical quote, “Don’t listen to your heart. Listen to your mind and pray that your mind is guided to the right path.”
2 Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
It hits me now that I am officially 4th year!
Mcm tak percaya! I know I am supposed to feel like I know lots…but I don’t. Aku rasa risau jadi doktor. Wht if I kill my patient with my ignorance?
I’ve been lucky and it’s time for me to give my thanks to all those who have helped me getting through the hell of medicine. Know that all your combined contributions are greatly appreciated. I am so lucky because by the blessing of Allah I am surrounded with the kindest, most helpful, most loving individuals in my life. I could not ask for more. I am, for every second of my life, most thankful.
1)My family!
-My mom tiap2 hari solat hajat untuk aku. Dier dah bernazar nakpuasa and buat kenduri pulut kuning kalau aku pass. Tiap2 kali exam pun she does the same thing for me. Wlaupun everytime ada disagreement dgn my mom I feel like we are two aliens speaking different languages, but at times like these, I know why paradise lies beneath her feet. Paradise deserves nothing less but to lie beneath her feet.
-My siblings too dikerah buat solat hajat untuk aku by my mom. So, I guess I should thank you guys too, huh? :p
2) Seniors
-Especially seniors yg selalu hang out kt library. Kak Izza, Kak Wardiah, Kak Dash, Kak Hani. Thank you for all the tips that were given. Thank you for showing me the right direction. Thank you for all the encouragement during my sleepy time in AIC, during my frustrated moments in the library. Thank you for hearing all my whining and my grunts. And thank you for all the ’staying-awake-kit’ comprising of junk food and sesi main teka teki. Hahahha. Love your antics, Kak Izza.
- And Kak Mel, thanks heaps for the two books that you lent me. Thanks for all your words of encouragement. You told me that, “Sabar, it’s all worth it.” And I agree now that it indeed is. Kadang2 bukannya saya tak nak sabar…it just that I like complaining about it… I like voicing out my frustration because it makes me feel a lot better. But whenever you told me “it’s all worth it, in the end,” it never fail to make me feel better and it makes me stop complaining because I keep thinking, I should be like Kak Mel. Buat apa nak kompelin2..it does not solve anything, kan? But after a few days, I will be back to my whining…and I keep thinking, maybe I could never be as good as Kak Mel.
3) Dayah, my kind and lovely roommate (saja nak kecek, hahahha)
-Thank you sebab bersabar dgn pertempuran antara aku dgn Kelly dan Jane. Aku tahu Jane gave you a hard time just because you are my friend. But you took that all in stride. Bravo!
-Thank you sebab sanggup jadi roommate aku kt Bara and pindah fr the hell of Convocation A. You are a great roommate. When I think back on all my ‘Asrama days’, I have always been lucky with my choice of roommates. Drpd Langkawi hingga KMB and hingga ke Aussie…all my roommates were very comfortable to live with. But so far, dayah is the best…because she also cooks very good food. Aku sampai segan nak ambil setiap kali dier offer. Dier kasi aku makan sedap2…rendang, bubur kacang hitam, masak lodeh, cake. Aku plak jamu dier bihun goreng dgn nasi goreng jer. And jgn lupa makanan kucing! hahahhah.
- Thank you for showing me the right direction! Literally! Bersusah payah kau ajar aku mcm mana nak tengok map untuk pi klinik kt broadmeadow tu. Aku yg bengap ni telah menanyakan soalan2 yg paling bodoh:
Cikgu Geografi aku mesti frust kalau dier tau! Looking back, aku pun amazed caner aku leh dpt A geografi PMR.
- Thank you sebab mendengar semua keluh kesah aku pasal medicine. Aku tau mesti kau tak larat nak dengar aku asyik menceceh:
- Thank you for dealing with my pre-exam anxieties. You taught me the basic way of looking at anatomy! I was like, “dayah, mcm mana aku naktau ni humerus kiri atau humerus kanan just by looking at the picture. I am so freaking out. Exam lagi berapa jam, aku tak tau pun caner nak determine which humerus is this!”
Bila aku pk balik…what a simple question! But yes…like I have said before, my cordination sucks real bad! Sometimes I am very ‘lampi’. Benda yg paling senang dan obvious lah benda yang paling aku lemah. Aku pun tak paham awat aku mcm ni.
- Thank you for dealing with the office and with our social engagements. Dayah would make a very good ‘public relation officer’. She took charge of a lot of stuff just because I was busy studying. I felt guilty sometimes. I mean, kalau tak dak dayah, mesti aku kena handle benda tu sendiri juga. But just because dayah was there, I felt like I was taking advantage of her. But don’t worry, next year I will make it up to you, iA. Next year hopefully would be much easier (I hope).
She also reminded me and sometimes printed out for me all the forms that need to be filled out when we were leaving Bara. She dealt with the booking of storage. Seriously…when I was busy studying, aku memang tak ingat org. I am so lucky to have such a superwoman for a roommate.
Maybe ada hikmah kita bergaduh dgn Kelly and Jane. Bayangkan kalau kita stay kt rumah tu….mana larat aku nak study asyik duk dengar Kelly ngan bf dia. How annoying! And sebab kita bergaduh ngan Kelly lah maka ko jadi roommate aku. It turned out to be such a good thing! I have no regrets on that account.
4)Balqis, my study mate!
-Other than Nizam, Balqis is the only Malaysian doing Academic semester of 3rd year with me. So naturally, I spent a lot of my time with her, racking our brains together. Takkan nak study ngan Nizam plak…kang ada org marah. hahahhaha.
-Balqis ni mmg bijaksana. Aku tabik spring! Sometimes I wonder, apsal semua benda aku tanya semua benda dia boleh jawab. I mean, how does she study??? Kenapa my memory not as good as hers?
-Thank you, Balqis for all the exam tips. Thank you for all the junk food you supplied for us to stay awake in AIC. Thank you for being a great study mate. I learned a lot from you. Daripada Gosford, sampailah hujung tahun, we’ve been studying together and again I am soo lucky! Balqis ni mcm Hermione dlm cerita Harry Potter. And I am like Ron…clueless, nervous, clumsy. But Ron is lucky sebab ada Hermione…and of course Ron is luckier than Harry Potter in terms of having a good family who cares about his well-being. When I think carefully….I am just like Ron, except that I am female, of course, and a Muslim. But other than that…Ron = Afiza (that’s a bit of math that I think should be made into a mathematical law.)
5) Tutemates and others
-My tutemate terutamanya James….oh he’s so brilliant. Slalu contribute dlm tutorial…semua benda pun dia tau. Kami semua main angguk ja semua benda dia cakap. Iyakan jerlah because most of the time he is right.
-Daniel Chen, the president of MedSoc… the guy I went to clinic with. Always pick me up to go with him… and got lost finding the clinic. Sorrylah, cannot help with the map. I only made things worse.
-Juniors2 yg slalu hang out kt library…again, thank you for the food. Thank you for providing me with some diversion when I was bored. You all fresh first years burn with ambition…reminded me of how I was when I was in first year. Now I am just burnt out! Hahahha. But don’t be like me. Be like Kak Balqis!
-Suhaila, Wani, Marlina… walaupun away for their regional rotation…tapi thanks a lot for the tips given! My life was such a roller coaster ride….I wish you guys were able to join me but alas, you miss out on the fun! hahhahha. I am sooo poyo!
And all my other friends….just because your names are not mentioned does not mean I don’t think of you every now and then. Newcastle is only the best place to study just because there are people like you guys! Know that I think of every single person with great fondness and affection.
All right, now I am going to enjoy the rest of my holiday with good novels for company! Next year can occupy my worried mind later. MUCH later.
No Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
Warning: The writer exaggerates a lot of the sensation! But if you use your common sense, you will get the gist of what she really means!
Do you know that most unpleasant sensation that grips your gut when you know, you absolutely know, that you are about to fall, and there is nothing you can do to break that fall? No walls to hold on to, and no one’s around to catch you, nothing to hang on to. Imagine the adrenaline-pumping, heart-beating moments of that few seconds (of your conviction that you are about to fall) stretched long for 3 weeks (when you are waiting for your exam result).
Imagine that and you have Nor Afiza Azmee at her crankiest, grumpiest moment.
In the past 3 weeks, I cannot say that I have been such bundle of nerves that I have not been able to sleep, or eat or shower properly. Everyone who knew me would scoff at the thought of “Afiza tak leh tido and makan sebab nervous? You must be kidding”. Yes, I eat and sleep very well…and as for showering, Dayah knew I shower for half an hour at one time.
However when I am nervous, though it does not affect my appetite and my sleep pattern, it affects me in a lot of other ways.
-I found myself to stop laughing at the middle of my laughter just because the thought of exam flashed through my mind. Just one nano-second of flashing thought - that’s all it takes - and my amusement, my laughter, my gaiety are quelled, vanquished into dust. If I were prone to asthmatic, I would be coughing, wheezing and gasping for air!
- I have become very, very cranky. The “Kak Ngah ni singa!” joke run rampant in the house. It’s my most ardent wish to remind them that “Kak Ngah yg singa ni lah yg duk bawa balik hadiah2 kat hangpa mcm Santa Claus tiap2 tahun, just remember that before you utter another sentence containing ‘Angah’ and ’singa’ in one single breath”.
-I have had some disagreement with my parents (though I don’t think that has anything to do with my nerves). I usually only have it with one parent. I blame this whole development on my unsettled thoughts for fear of exam.
- I based my future plans on my exam result. I have told Suhaila, “There is no way I can plan the KL trip now. Kalau exam result aku tak elok, aku takkkan ada mood nak pi kenduri Mary ke, nak jalan2 kt SIngapore ke etc. So, apa kata kita tunggu result aku keluar dulu, and then baru kita plan.” And I put all my plans on hold until after I have gotten the result. The uncertainty sometimes made me so frustrated I felt like giving up.
But sometimes miracles do happen. In the span of that few seconds before you are about to fall, suddenly you regain your balance. Or maybe, a knight in shining armour just happens to pass by and rescue you, the damsel in distress. Or maybe your fall is cushioned by water-filled swimming pool.
It does not matter what has happened to save you from the dire fate of falling because by then, you are just thankful, smiling and happy.
And all left to say is, Alhamdulillah.
2 Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
Sejak dah habis exam ni I have not been to the library, at all.
And to my utter consternation, I find myself quite miss it. God forbids I have become a nerd!
I really like my uni’s library; I am quite in raptures with liking it. Basically, there are two parts to the library. The two upper storeys are filled with books and are reserved for quiet studying. It opens only up until 10 pm.
But the lowermost level, fondly called the AIC, is like a cyber cafe with lots of computers. A cafe is also included. The AIC is open 24/7 and so very convenient for those who want to stay up the night to finish some assignments. It does not matter how much noise you want to make in AIC because it was not designed for the purpose of studying. More often than not, it was for socializing, for watching you tube, sometimes even for dating!
A lot of people would find this odd, but I find myself more effective studying when there’s a background noise. I can study at a cafe, at a train station, at the consourse, in the park….and most certainly I could study in AIC. I tried to study at the quiet section of the library…and I found myself quietly falling asleep.
And there are actually a lot of people who are like me. A lot of people study in AIC especially when the upper part of the library is closed at ten. Sometimes we all stayed the night. I brought my dinner, my coffee and my blanket to AIC everyday. Sometimes I prayed my Subuh prayer in the library too.
AIC is like my second home. It is not a wonder that I miss it so.
Of course, I could study when there are background noise…but sometimes when the noise gets too loud, and I could actually hear and digest word by word what people are talking about, then it becomes annoying (though this does not happen very often). I guess, this is the downside to studying in AIC…you can’t actually tell people to shut up. Because AIC has never been meant to be quiet.
For being in AIC so often, I have come to recognized many people around the uni who frequent the AIC as often as I do. You meet people in AIC, some of them are very interesting people with colourful personalities…you make friends, you make acquaintances, sometimes you have crushes, too.
I can study well enough in AIC…but everybody has days when they feel a little bit off, or when they feel ‘aku dah tepu’. But never fear…AIC never ceases to provide its inhabitants with constant entertainment. There were days when I forced my brain to study but my thoughts just keep straying….
My brain goes: Treatment for Tinea facieii is Griseofulvin as a first line treatment and for second line treatment…wah, cunnya minah arab ni…and second line treatment is ketoconazole…and Oh my God, get a room, guys…the alternative treament would be…iys, apsal mamat ni asyik pakai baju yg sama drpd minggu lepas lagi…and the alterntive treatment would be fluconazole, itraconazole…For STEMI, you should give thrombolysis…apsal hari ni budak nerd tu tak der ek?
On other interesting days, you can witness very entertaining dramas happening right there in AIC.
I have come to notice this Spanish couple…they always made a lot of noise in the AIC, I was most tempted to gag their mouths. They loved attention. They laughed the loudest….and their behaviour were very, very, lewd. I felt like going to them and say in my most sweetest voice, “Guys, get a room.”
But funny enough, I found myself entertained sometimes by their behaviour. I must say that I don’t really like them. But when they are around, I always checked them out. I did not understand why I seemed to be interested in what they did, but I could not deny it nonetheless. Maybe it was the boredom of having to study continuously.
One day, the Spanish woman cried. I was most enthralled. Selama ni dier asyik gelak jer. Kuat plak tuh! I was like, OMG, she not only laughs loud, she cries loud too! Her Spanish boyfriend were at a loss as to how to comfort her. They were speaking Spanish with some English words that I could recognize like ‘exam’, ‘can’t finish’ and ‘remember all’.
Aku gelak jer. Tension exam lah ni. I felt like going to her and say, “darling, I am doing 3rd year academic semester. I am much more stressed than you, all rite. ANd ur crying in the middle of AIC ain’t helping much, allrite?”.
Tiba2 ada plak pak arab ni datang kat dia, “Are you allright, there? It’s okay, it’s okay…just do your best, ok. Just do the best you can.”
I watched that with amusement. Cam sweet plak pak arab nih. But yes, ppl become more caring to one another in AIC. You develop solidarity when you see the same person everyday.
And there is this girl…nak kata cun sgt pun tak. But she’s a model! Wahhh….amazing the kind of ppl u met in AIC.
The reason I noticed her is because…she dressed very daringly. Very sexy! Aku yg perempuan ni pun tak leh stop tengok…I can’t imagine org lain mcm mana. And I noticed too that everytime she passes by, ada jer org tengok sampai terteleng2 kepala. Lawak sunggoh!!
And you know what…she knows that ppl look at her. And she was very plesaed, too. How did I know that? hahaha. One day, I was at the same table as her and her friend. Sebab aku mmg dah notice dier dah lama…telinga aku ni ter-tune in jer everything yg kuar drpd mulut dier. Basically, that day was the most unproductive day of my life.
She would laugh and talk to her friends and then she would say, “Did you see that? Why does he look at me? See? He is looking at me again. Now, look at that guy over there. Why are they looking at me?”
Aku bengang gilaaa ngan minah tu hari tu. What do you want your friend to say? “They look at you because you are sooo pretty. You dress to kill, you laugh seductively…that’s why.” I wanted to butt in the conversation and gave her the answer that she wanted to hear so that I could get back to my studying.
Entah kali ke berapa ratus, dier tanya kawan dier, “Are they looking at me?”
Yang lawaknya, kawan dier cakap, “Why would they look at you?” hahahhah. I guess, kwn dier pun cam aku. Dah bengang nak jawab such rhetorical questions!
Of course she’s pretty but sooo damned vain! Aku pun tak tahan!
Yeah, there are times when I spent one whole day in AIC…but not the whole day studying. Sometimes I listened to others’ conversations. Sometimes I looked at people. Sometimes I just took out my blanket and slept on the chair. Some ppl may think I am studious for being in AIC…but hell, I knew better what I did.
And after having done my exam, I was like, “Damn it, I should have spent my time much more wisely in the AIC!”
It’s, of course, too late to do anything about it now. Aku pasrah je rmenunggu my exam result. Whatever will be, will be.
Bye AIC, until next year.
2 Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
Ridiculous amount of work! Did they suppose we were robots?
“Aku teringin nak belajar balik sejarah. Tak pun Tasawwur. Even Geografi! Anything else but medical stuff!” I told Balqis when I was in the library.
Bila cakap mcm tu, terasa curang dengan medicine.
I know I have used this anology way too much…but being a medical student is like being married. There’s no way out other than a divorce which in itself would bring a whole lot of other dramas and problems. Imagine if I stop my medical studies halfway….there’s the MARA loan that I have to pay. And there’s the question of ‘then what am I going to be?’. So really, for the past 3 years (no matter how much nurtured love I might have had for medicine) the main reason that makes me hang around in medicine is because I am a sponsored student who will go broke if I have to pay back the loan!
Again, like marriage! Sometimes the only reason you stay with your partner is because of the children. Love alone is not gonna sustain a relationship. Something has to bind you so that you will stick to it through all the good and bad times. Because after you have passed through one bad time after the other, there will always be other good times in the future. But if you get a divorce, all the ‘future good times’ you could have had, would not be possible anymore.
So, that’s the second reason I am still in medicine. I am hoping for the future ‘good times’.
Sometimes all you need to stay ‘istiqamah’ is hope.
Again, tu pasal org yg nak bercerai fikir berjuta2 kali. Maybe, this problem is just a one-off thing…maybe suami aku takkan main kayu tiga lagi in the future. Maybe, benda ni takkan jadi lagi and kami akan happy forever and ever. Maybe dia takkan buat lagi mcm ni walaupun dah lima kali benda ni berlaku.
Kita sentiasa nak cari excuse untuk benda yg kita sayang. It’s perfectly understandable. The questions I would ask kepada isteri2 (or suami too, I guess) yang terseksa adalah…how do we know there will be a future good times? When do you stop hoping? How do you know when to give up (and get a divorce)?
The answer is we will never know!
Time2 exam ni lah ada satu lagu yg sering berkumandang di telinga aku.
Que Sara, Sara. Whatever will be, will be.
See? Betapa sesuainya analogi marriage with regards to medicine. Sometimes, we need to be reminded why we love someone/something, especially when things get too tough for too long. In the case of marriage, you go and take a second honeymoon. In the case of a medical student with chronic fatigue syndrome…you need a blog to vent all your frustration! You need a blog to write about your good times so that when things get really stormy, you could go back and read it again and you then get to remind yourself that this is why I have to stick around! This is why it’s worth it! That things have not always been bad! In fact, some things are so marvelous good!
We can’t all be 100% in love 100% of the time! The feelings fluctuate….it has its highs and lows.
It just so happens that the last semester of third year is one of the lows that I have mentioned.
I have had more than ten body systems to learn and so many diseases for each system. And for each of those disease, the faculty seemed to expect the student to know not just all the clinical stuff but the pathogenesis as well! Ridiculous! I don’t think anyone could finish covering all the syllabus during the one week (only!) stuvac.
And no one would remember most of them post-exam!
I have just finished my third year exam (people have been quoted to say that third year is the hell of medicine) and I found it tough! There are some anatomy questions that I found reaally difficult. Anatomy to medicine, is like Maths to IB. In case it was not clear what I meant by that, let me just put this in plain language. Anatomy is a pain in the neck (rather than say ‘neck’, I would love to put in place another different anatomical part. But I am trying to clean my language, here).
Right now, if I were asked how much tender, loving feelings I have for medicine…the answer would be almost zero!
I have spent most of my time in the library. And sometimes at two in the morning, I walked back to my room (alone!) passing through the bushes at night and coming across Possums and security guards. There are days when I would cross path with some cleaners who started their work at three in the morning, cleaning up the math building and the drama theater.
And my head went, how does it feel to be a cleaner? As I nodded my head at them, minding my manners to them by saying “Good morning, ladies,” I could not help but wonder what do people do in their lives?
You know, cleaning is a very important job! They too, are doing something worthwhile! Kalau semua orang tak nak jadi cleaner, siapa nak buat? Kalau diorang start kerja pukul 3 pagi (sebab orang masuk pejabat pukul 9 and things have to be clean before then), they have most of the mornings and afternoons and nights to themselves. What other lives do they lead when they are not cleaning? Mesti diorang ada masa nak berjalan-jalan, nak membaca, nak ada bersosial. Diorang punya payment pun not bad, bolehlah hidup. Not a bad deal, kan. Kalau aku duduk kat Aussie, I don’t think I would mind being a cleaner. Tapi kat Mesia….hmm.
Macam pekerja majlis bandaran yang angkut sampah kt rumah aku tu. Aku selalu wonder, what do they feel? Buka tong sampah depan rumah orang, and pick up the garbage bag (kadang2 dah berulat dan berair!) and then lempar kat lori sampah tu.
Their jobs are important too! But how could they bear it?
Sambil berjalan pagi2 buta tu…mcm2 dalam kpala otak aku nih. But I never stopped thinking about the cleaners.
I don’t know why I am obsessed with cleaners. Maybe because they make my journey from the library back to my room at 2 a.m much more bearable.
Otherwise, my obsessive thoughts about them can only be a sign that I might have gone just a little bid mad.
I find it very interesting that med rhymes with mad.
I think, it must mean somehing, don’t you?
2 Comments »
Filed under: The life of med student
Warning: This a whiny, emotional post. Do not proceed if you can’t handle it. Any health hazard acquired is your own responsibility.
My exam is in one month! That may sounds like a lot of time….but not when you have 15 really thick files to go through.
When exam is near, I tend to shut myself against the world. Sometimes, I forget to call home, sometimes I decide not to go home and just stay in the library, and most of the time I just don’t care whatever happens in the world.
I can now relate to those scientists whose lives are the whole lab! It may look like the scientists do not have a life, but to those scientists, the lab is their lives! It’s not a problem to them! It’s only a problem to their family members who may never see or hear from them for days sometimes weeks.
“orang lain pun exam juga….kerja juga. Tapi ada jer masa untuk orang lain.”
Well, I am different. Once I get into the mood of working, I will really work. And once I get into the mood of having fun, I stop all work! It’s all or nothing with me. I can’t go kejap like this, and then kejap lagi like that…I don’t like to adjust and readjust myself multiple times! That’s annoying to me! Some people just don’t understand that!
I wish when exam is near, things will stop happening! I don’t want to have to worry about anything else. If there are things that worry me, I want them settled as soon as possible and then I could go back to my study.
But things don’t stop happening just because you are having exams. Some of those things that happen are most disturbing. And suddenly, thank God, you recognize your ability to just focus and shut the whole world out! The ability to dissociate yourself from the kicks and pucnhes of life. The ability to experience pain and then force the sensation out of your mind in order to ponder about cataracts, AMD, retinal detachment. About psoriasis, eczema and skin cancer. About end stage renal failure, about diabetes and hundreds other diseases. About the many type of drugs for many different diseases.
Looking at the amount of things I have to study, is it a wonder if I hate changes in my life?
It’s a learned behaviour. To be able to just focus on studying and not think about other people in your life…it’s a learned behaviour. It’s not natural. It came with a price. It may be a price of my sense of responsibility sometimes. I may be having an internal battle with my ego over what I feel I need to do but I could not do it just because…
Understand that I don’t have time for lengthy discussion regarding anything. I saw a problem, I find the most effective way to settle it in a timely manner and I want it executed right there and then. But if the people in my life find it a burdensome attitude, then I guess, I will go to my library (just like some scientists find solace in the lab).
The world has not stop revolving just because you are having exams.
I just hope it does.
1 Comment »
Filed under: The life of med student
