Beautiful Life!

   I checked my student mail baru pagi tadi. And I got an email from Lou (the scariest year manager, so far. I think she hates me, but we have established the fact that I am paranoid). Email tu basically a reminder supaya semua bakal 3rd year student yg buat mental thealth for HES gi amik CD mental health kt dier.

   Mengingatkan yg aku iA bakal masuk 3rd year (I never thought I will get this far; all the tears and misery!!) aku fikir aku nak kena go crazy update all clinical experience yg aku dah dapat 2 tahun sebelum ni.  I don’t want to forget all the people (doctors, tutors, friends, seniors who have helped me… or those doctors who have made my life hell on earth) and all the heartaches of these 2 years.

So this entry is about Dr. W….the doctor who so far resides at the top of my list of scariest doctor ever to walk on this planet. My tutor, Dr. Shah (who also hated me, by the way. Well, maybe he did not hate me but nor did he like me too.) pernah cakap, “You get the head of neurologist for your clinical skills. He is going to expect you to know everything. You can’t get away with just ‘I don’t know’.” Time tu Dr. Shah bengang kot sebab tutorial kitorang mcm tak reti jawab something. And dier pun tease lah ‘Macam ni kamu nak berdepan dengan Dr.W?’

   If that was not enough for a warning, I don’t know what is. Tapi first time nak jumpa Dr. W tu aku rasa mcm scared. Teruk sgt ke dier ni?

  Memang teruk!

   Dier tak garang. Dier tak menengking. In fact, dier mmg senyum. Dier mmg explain dgn baik. Tapi…dier sgt byk tanya soalan.

   Doktor2 sebelum ni yg aku pernah dapat mmg byk tanya soalan juga. Tapi diorang had this policy ’siapa tahu, jawab. Siapa tak tahu, senyap’. So, usually the same brilliant person jer yg akan jawab (Cth: Daryl, Aydin, Andrew tua). But with Dr. W, his policy was different. Way different. His policy : ‘I will go around the table and each and everyone of you must answer the question’

   So ni mmg nasib lah! Kadang2 org lain dapat soalan senang yg aku rasa aku mmg tau jawapan dia. Tapi bila mai turn aku, bukan setakat tak tau jawapan, soalan pun aku tak faham. Dayah pun pernah ckp kt aku “perasan tak soalan kita mcm susah2 ja.” Ada juga yg senang, tapi aku selalu rasa aku punya soalan susah. Of course the alternative way of looking at it is: bukan soalan yg susah but it’s just that I am not brilliant. But we already know that I am not a genius, so I don’t have to mention it again.

   So, memang nasib. You have to choose your position carefully. Jangan immediately next to Dr. W tapi jangan terlalu jauh sangat.

   So among our group members of eight, the game of ‘choose your place carefully’ was being played subtly. It is funny in a secretive sort of way. Ada sekali tu, Dr. W macam tahu aku nak mengelak being the first one yg masuk ke bilik sebab tak nak duk sebelah dier. So, he said with a playful smile, “Don’t worry, everyone will get their turn. It’s better to sit next to me because the question will get harder as we go along”.

    I was quite embarrased since he noticed my little maneuver, tapi aku pasrahlah duk sebelah dier. Nasib baik that time aku leh jawab soalan dier. (I still remember the question “What pathway yg conduct heat?”. And my answer was spinothalamic. Tu pun aku dapat jawab sebab baru semalam Yana tanya soalan tu kat aku and kak wardiah yg tolong jawab. Kalau tak, I was dead meat!)

   Banyak sebenarnya yg aku blajar fr this Doctor. And the fact that he was also one of the lecturer yg akan set questions dlm exam menyebabkan aku pay attention dengan benda2 yg dier nak cakap. In a way, he was good. I liked listening to him…except bila dia tanya soalan. Memang dia takkan marah kalau kita tak reti jawab. Tapi dia buat aku malu. Malu. Malu. Malu (need I write it again for emphasis?). Very well, malu.

   One day, me and dayah, we talked. Basically the conversation is about siapa yg paling pandai dlm group kita and siapa yg tak pandai. Basically, yang paling outstanding is Ruth and Jessica. Orang lain semua lebih kurang ja. Tapi bila diorang tak tahu, diorang tak kalut. Diorang senyap and diorang fikir.

   Aku pula: Aku panik. Okay soalan tu nak apa? Alamak tak reti jawab, macam mana ni? Nak teka? Kalau silap? Agh, at least tak lah jawab I dunno. Ah, hentam jer.

And of course I would get it wrong!! Benarlah kata-kata penulis “House of God”: When in emergency, take your own pulse. Maksudnya, we have to calm down first, and then baru kita deal with the emergency.  Be calm, collected, unflappable.

 

    My nature is kalut! Kalut! Nak jawab juga. Tapi tak tahu…so aku hentam. Masalahnya, sometimes apa yg aku hentam tu mmg tak logik langsung and I only realized it after I have said it. Orang lain pula….diorang pun tak tahu juga tapi sebab diorang tenang dan tak kalut, so diorang jawab salah pun, at least tak lah sampai tak logik langsung!

    Bila aku ingat balik jawapan2 yg aku bagi tu….I want to die of embarrassment! I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. Right then, right that minute!

   So, aku and dayah, observe macam mana orang lain jawab soalan2 Dr. W. Aku suka nak observe Trina and Chantelle, sebab diorang mature student yang….well, matured. Tenang ja. Serene. Calm. Confident.

   Bila Dr. W tanya soalan, Trina akan senyap, separuh saat. Dia tengok lantai, berfikir. And then dia akan cakap “Hmmmm….” and tu dah ambil masa dalam suku minit. Lepas tu dia akan jawab, in a vague, non-precise sort of way.  It is like ‘I don’t know’ but not exactly in that words.

“I am not so sure. I mean I know that stroke can present with that sort of symptoms but it could not be stroke because bla bla bla…”

Notice macam mana dia construct ayat dia. Actually dier tak tahu pun apa jawapan dia. Tapi ayat dier menunjukkan bahawa dier take the effort to think! Dier fikir stroke….and then dier fikir symptoms, and then dier eliminate stroke as the answer because of a certain reason. Tapi behind all those sentence, jawapan dia sebenarnya ialah “I don’t know!”. Tapi, she wouldn’t sound stupid, she wouldn’t look stupid because all of us know yang dier bagi jawapan selepas dier berusaha berfikir. Basically, dier bagi jawapan yg dier tahu salah, and cakap kenapa jawapan tu salah, tapi dia tak tahu apa jawapan yg betul.

  Aku pula lain style dgn Trina… AKu tahu jawapan dia bukan stroke. Tapi sebab aku cuma ada dua pilihan samada nak jawab I dunno atau pun hentam ja apa2 dengan harapan aku betul. Sebab aku ni penakut dan tak berani nak jawab I dunno, so aku hentam something stupid. Memang padan dengan muka aku! Memalukan!

   Sepatutnya aku buat mcm Trina. I should construct my sentence just like Trina. “I know it’s not stroke even though some of the symptoms match. But I don’t know what is the answer.” Cakap mcm tu is so much better drpd hentam benda bodoh.

   I blame myself. Nak blame siapa lagi kan? Memang drpd dulu lagi aku tak reti nak bertenang. Maybe the way I was raised, as well. When I was a kid, my father taught me Maths and English. Lepas my father dah ajar, dier akan bagi soalan, and minta jawapan.  Kalau aku tak tahu, aku tak berani nak jawab aku tak tahu (because my dad would say: Ayah dah terang berbuih2 mulut, tadi kata faham. Kenapa buat soalan tak reti pula?) so aku akan senyap or cakap “hmmmm…” sampai nak dekat satu minit. And then my dad would say “Cakap hmm…..sampai nak dekat sejam(he exaggerated). Tapi jawapan tak habaq2 lagi.” 

   So, sampai aku dah besar pun, kalau org tanya soalan aku jadi takut nak biar org tunggu lama2. Nak cakap ‘hmmm’ pun tak leh lebih drpd 2 saat. Sebab aku takut org tak sabar nak tunggu. Dengan cikgu2 pun mcm tu. Tu pasallah kalau aku tak offer nak jawab soalan, maksudnya aku mmg tak nak jawab sebab aku tak reti. Kalau aku reti pun belum tentu aku nak offer jawab. Bagi aku, bila cikgu tanya aku soalan, aku rasa mcm didesak untuk jawab immediately. Kalau tak, I will feel like I am a disappointment.

    My dad has always been a great dad. Aku rasa in other people’s house mak yg akan ajar anak2 sebab ayah sibuk kerja. But in my house, my dad juggled his time to teach me my lessons. And becasue my dad is quite an impatient guy, kami semua jadi org yg kalut. Hahhahah. Basically, everything has to be done fast, according to his time. Not that it was bad…but sometimes it could have been easier if we din have to rush all the time. 

   So, can I just blame my dad for being kalut? Well, no. I just have to adapt. With my dad kena kalut. With my mom, boleh lengah2 sikit. With my sisters, ah tak layan pun tak per lagi. So I guess, with Dr. W the method is : hiasilah kata2 ‘I dunno’ with something intelligent that shows you are at least, thinking. That’s all he wants, anyway.

Dr. W taught me that we should be calm. Systematic bila bagi jawapan. For example…kalau soalan dia “What possible causes for these symptoms.” Kita tak payahlah nak fikir rare diseases. Fikir yg common. And fikir secara systematic. Adakah infection? Adakah trauma? Adakah malignancies/cancer? (you know the MIDNIGHT nmemonic)

   So, aku makin lama dah reti nak jawab style Trina. Tapi tu pun dah nak dekat2 session last baru aku master ‘the art of being calm’. Yg lawaknya, during the last session, somehow, he always missed asking me question. Walaupun aku duduk depan muka dia, dier mcm tak nampak aku. Dier jump pergi tanya orang lain. The whole day it was like that. Dayah cam pelik,”tak pahamlah, apsal dier cam tak nampak ko? Ko baca doa apa ni? Hiys, tak puas hatinya aku, ko tak kena tanya.”

Hahhahaha. Lawak2. Aku pun tak tau what happened that day. Until now, it is a mystery.

So one of my new year resolution: Be calm! Tenang! Selawat banyak2. Jangan kalut. Kalau tak tahu jawab, fake it!

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