Beautiful Life!

    Yesterday was the last day of my HES placement. 8 weeks flew by in a rush and I’d hardly realized it.  The doctors I have met, the nurses I have crossed words with, the patients I have seen…

    I believed that everyone you have met (good or bad) influences how your thinking would develop (and thus what you will become in the future). This is because every creature has the capacity to learn from experience (remember Pavlov’s dog?), human beings even more so, and repeated experience produce reinforcements.  So, if you have always been trampled upon, always been bullied, never been cherished, never been loved…you will get the message that society is cruel, you will go into life always feeling dark and gloomy and pessimistic about the future. That’s why almost every single mental illness can be traced back to childhood experience because childhood is the time when your brain is developing, the time when you acquire the survival skills, obtain your ideals and opinions.

    On the other hand, if you have always known your worth, you know your place in your family, you know your rights and responsibilities, you will grow up well. Yes, there are times of difficulties and times of failure, but there are also times of success, times of enjoyment. Sure, life is not all a bed of roses, but you know in every dark cloud, there’s a silver lining. You learn to hope even as you despair, you learn to laugh even as you wail, you learn that after all is said done, everything has been written. And all you have to do is live through it in the best possible way you know how because the predetermined outcome doesn’t matter as much as the process.

   If only I could tell these to all my patients, I would be content. I mean really, what is the worst thing that could happen to you, after all? The worst thing that could happen to you is death (and this is arguable too since very pious ppl would like to die and meet God). And since everyone would face it, you are not entirely alone. So  of course until you have reached death, every single problem would be solved. You just have to wait for things to be straightened out while at the same time work hard to entangle the problem. And then it will go away, you go on with your life, meet with another problem, solve it again, and go on again. Until you die.  And when you died, the unsolved problem, if there’s any, would not matter anymore.

    So, really, if everyone can have this in mind, if everyone can know that every problem would be solved until you face your death during which the unsolved problem would not matter anymore, then no one would commit suicide. There’s always hope!

    So, what brought on this introspection? I guess, I am just feeling nostalgic. Because Mental Health placement is over. And I have learned so much. I have learned how many twisted, warped, distorted views people could possibly have and it scares me. When you saw the so-called ‘happy-go-lucky, I-am-funny, I-party-hard’ people on the street (could be your tutemate, someone in your batch, someone you know), they are probably not that happy as they seem. They went back to a lonely room and their only concept of happiness consist of “I look good, guys love me, I am fun and people just can’t get enough of me and that’s why I am happy,”. They are actually quite suicidal.

Concept of loneliness.

    I have been bored at times. But I have never been lonely. When ppl said they are lonely, what I thought they were feeling was boredom. So my reply would be: “But you could read. Or you could try learning something new, say a piano lesson. Or, you could take up gardening.”

    I like to be alone. I don’t understand why some people just need company at all times. Nak pergi toilet kena teman, nak pergi shopping kena teman. And my housemate, Jane, when she was bored, she would come to find me in my room and I was like, “Aku nak study lah….jgn kacau boleh tak?”. I don’t even mind watching movies on my own sebab aku nak tengok movie, bukan nak bersembang. Tapi some people would ask “Would you watch the movies with me. I don’t want to watch it alone.” Larrr….aku lagi suka tengok movie alone, so that I would not be obliged to reply to their comments…time iklan tak per arr juga. Ni kadang2 every single thing nak komen, nanti aku miss what’s been said. It annoys me!

   This patient whose husband is a truck driver was being caught with another lover when her husband came back home suddenly. (Sgt macam plot filem). She din love this new guy. Her reason being ‘I was lonely’. I thought that was just an excuse. Alasan! Sebenarnya, kau yang tak setia, you are attracted to another man, mengaku jer lah dah kena tangkap red-handed!

    But I have seen so many people saying themselves lonely. Takkan diorang semua pun hanya memberi alasan? I began to wonder. Sebab this loneliness is so great that it drives them to suicide. I could not understand  such loneliness and it intrigued me. Tu pasal orang macam ni selalu kena ada company….sebab diorang tak nak berfikir banyak2, sebab bila diorang fikir jer diorang akan jadi suicidal. They could not bear to be alone, because every negative and suicidal thoughts would intrude on their solitude, and then they would be depressed. Bila ada orang, sekurang2nya diorang takkan jadi mcm tu.

    Bizarre kan? So, aku punya suggestion nak suruh diroang take up piano lesson, or baca buku cerita, or pergi belajar balik kat uni….benda tu tak berguna. Sebab bila diorang habis belajar kt uni, and balik bilik at the end of the day, they would have the same problem again. Dah tu mcm mana?

What I really think about psychiatry at the end of my placement

-Psychiatry akan jadi redundant kalau semua orang make an effort to stop depending too much on anything or anyone. Do your own thing! Jangan mengharap sangat kat orang. Jangan nak sangat2 sesuatu….sentiasa reserve something for yourself. Maybe konsep redha dan berserah lah kot.
-Medications in psychiatry hanya akan control symptoms. It doesn’t address the problem. I told Greg, “If you have partner-relationship problem and you are depressed because of that, how would medication help since the cause is still there. To my thinking, if you are depressed because of ur partner, then leave your partner.”

Tu pasal kadang2 berkali2 patient yg sama dok mai. Aku sampai fed up! Sampai bila problem ko nak settle ni kalau ko tak solve it?
Jawapan Greg: Kita tak boleh nak change external world, so kita kena control the symptoms and cuba bawa patient berfikir dengan cara yang lain. Sometimes, it’s the way you think that make you depress, not the situation itself.

    Hmmph! Yer lah tu! Kalau partner dier tu memang jahat, memang annoying, memang tak bertanggungjawab, nak fikir dengan cara mcm mana lagi? Some things are just facts! Memanglah, kadang2 cara kita view benda yg buat kita bengang, padahal benda tu taklah seteruk mana pun. Tapi…semua benda pun diorang asyik nak bagi ubat, pastu buat CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Cuba recognize that some things need to be solved, baru benda tu boleh disappear permanently.

David agrees with me. “Yes, medications won’t solve the problem. If we can give them a new family, a better boyfriend, more money (change the external world) then they’ll be happy.” He shook his head.

The people that have shaped me
Now that HES is over, I would like to recognize the people who have made my Mental Health placement meaningful.

Greg:
-The best supervisor I could ever ask for. Sebenarnya antara semua list supervisor yang ada, dia lah aku punya last choice. Aku contact orang lain dulu…tapi diorang semua pun ada yang tak aavailable at that time, tak pun diorang sendiri dah ada student. So, Greg was my last choice. So memang fate has assigned me Greg, walaupun dialah org terkahir yg aku nak amik.

-And after that I found out that Greg ni memang hebat lah. Dia dah buat banyak research. Sebelum ni, dia neurologist (and we all know neurologists are really brilliant people). Dia memang hebat dalam psychiatry. My friend, Yee Ping, said that she was envious of me for getting Greg. I was like, really? And only at that time did I find out that Greg was actually a very good doctor, very prominent in the field of psychiatry. I felt so lucky.

-One interesting thing about him is that he got a photographic memory. He could read one thing once, and he would always remember it. Siap tahu from which book dia dapat facts tu, chapter mana, page berapa. Amazing!

-Dia tak pernah ada homework sebab  time cikgu ajar, dia boleh buat kerja right away. So, he could move on to read other interesting things and remember them all. Memang tabik spring arr kat dia. I only knew this bila ada doktor2 lain duk cakap pasal Greg behind his back. Semua org tahu dia ni brilliant.

-And he gave me a very good supervisor report. He made me smile for the rest of the day.

Jenny:

-She is serious all the time. Tapi dia sebenarnya tak lah jahat terus. In her own way, she made sure I learn something from every patient interviews. Dia pandai mengajar. Cuma nya, dia bapak gila tak friendly.

-And a lot of people talked about her behind her back. She got quite a reputation for being difficult. So it wasn’t just me yang dia tak friendly. It made me feel better.

-One peculiar thing about her: Dia sangat suka minum coke. Ada juga dalam 4-5 tin dia minum satu hari. Aku tak pernah nampak dia minum air lain. Dean cakap; maybe she’s addicted to it. When I told Dean that I got a feeling Jenny did not really like having me around, Dean cracked a joke by saying , “Why? Did you steal her coke?”.

-But at least she gave me a nice smile lepas aku bagi hadiah kat dia semalam. She wished me good luck in my studies. Well, ader juga budi bahasa rupanya.

Dean:

-This Indian doctor is very handsome. Umur baru 30. Ader jugalah mcm Shah Rukh Khan sket2. Aku rasa sebab dia tahu dia ni handsome, dia menggunakan dengan sepenuhnya aset yang ada. Huhuhu. He charms his way with people.

-Patient suka kat dia sebab dia caring (and handsome). Doctors suka kat dia sebab dia mulut manis (and handsome). Family members suka kat dia sebab dia friendly (and handsome). The thing is, semua doktor pun caring, berbudi bahasa, and friendly…tapi sebab Dean ni handsome lah kot, tu pasal ramai pulak org warm up to him.

-I know looks is not everything, but it’s still something and it makes your life easier, sebenarnya. Fitrah manusia, suka pada kecantikan….nothing wrong with that. Nasib baik si Dean ni bukan style arrogant, riya’ or annoying. I think he is one of those person yang tahu nak guna his advantage in a good way, and not in a bad or manipulative way. Bila ada jer family patient puji dia handsome, dia buat tak tahu jer, buat2 tak dengar. Hahhahah, lawak plak aku rasa.

-Dan dia bukan nyer rupa jer cantik, tapi perangai dia pun baik, and dia memang pandai. In fact, lagi pandai drpd David. He is a very good psychiatrist. He is not just  someone good to look at.

- Dia suka sangat tease orang. Selalu. Tu pasal aku tak comfortable ngan dia kot. Because I think I am a serious person. I know jokes, and I laugh at them. But I don’t know how to make my own jokes. The rule for a good conversation is: when someone tease you, you have to know how to tease back. I am just suck at it! So, most of the time aku gelak2 jer. Mesti dia rasa aku ni boring, but what the heck, bukan semua org sama.

-He taught me a lot too. Dia lagi banyak spend masa dgn aku compared to David because David was away for study leave. So, aku banyak stuck dgn Dean. But our conversation was always superficial; jokes, teasings, and then lessons.

David (save the best for last):

-David ni dah tua dah. Dah 40 something aku rasa. Tapi, aku lagi byk benda in common with David compared to Dean.

-David tak sehandsome Dean, dia punya English tak hebat sangat, so dia tak derlah nampak cam friendly dgn patient. He is still a good psychiatrist, but Dean is better.

-But macam mana pun, aku still comfortable ngan David. He didn’t tease me…but he made real funny jokes. So aku boleh gelak jer and komen sikit2 without feeling the pressure to come up with a witty reply of my own.

-Kitorang tak cakap byk. But when we did talk, it’s mostly about things that matter. My culture, my religion, what I think about certain patient. Dengan David lah yang aku byk sekali jumpa patient yg unik. Dengan dialah aku jumpa Muslim patient. Dengan dia juga aku jumpa patient yang ada erectile dysfunction. All those patients yg interesting yang boleh generate a good, serious, meaningful discussion.

-So walaupun aku tak spend byk sgt masa dengan David, I am much more attached to David than Dean.

-There’s truth in saying “quality beats quantity”. And good, meaningful discussion lagi best drpd conversation yang entah apa2. Sampai skrang aku tak faham what is so fun being in chatrooms sampai org boleh ketagih chatting. Lepas setengah jam jer aku dah bosan.

-So when I said Goodbye to David, I felt quite sad. And when David read my thank you card, he looked really touched. (actually, he wasn’t supposed to read until I’d left…tapi things did not work out that way. Damn it!) Dia cakap, dalam culture dia, org tak bagi card/hadiah to say thank you to teachers yg 8 minggu jer. Dia cakap aku ni baiklah, baguslah, kind lah…entah apa2 lagi. Padahal, dalam culture kita benda ni biasa jer.

-And when he said, “it was really nice meeting you, someone from a different culture” I could see that he meant it…..it’s not just something that he said. Jenny and Greg tak cakap pun kat aku diorang rasa nice having met me…because you cannot lie about things like that. It shows. Kalau ko setakat cakap jer benda tu, it shows that u dun mean it because it would not sound sincere. Aku selalu rasa aku reti detect sincerity….when I know someone is sincere, I would feel it.

Kalau pun Jenny nak cakap,”it was nice meeting you”, I would never believe it. Sebab, we dun spend good time with each other or get to know each other better, so I would know it was a lie. After all, actions speaks louder than words.  With David, it was differrent.

-Huh, sedih betul! Cuma aku tak nangis jer.
- Don’t get me wrong. David is just a teacher. Our conversation all proper, no flirtations whatsoever. No teasings. I don’t like him in that way. But he made me feel attached. So aku rasa cam matsalleh yg duk gi party selalu just for the fun of flirting….diorang sgt superficial! They dun know what good conversation is all about, tu pasal diorang senang2 jer tukar pasangan sebab diorang tak pernah betul2 rasa attached. Tengok housemate aku pun sudah…baru lapan minggu, dah ada cam 4 lelaki dia dok date. Berapa byk exchange of words pun doesn’t matter, it would not bind them together.

    So HES ni memberi aku mixed feelings. I not only learned about drugs, alcohol, psychosis, I learned about values as well. I learned more about myself too. I would recommend psyciatry placement to anyone. Kalau sebelum ni ko superficial, you will become someone with depths. Kalau sebelum ni ko tak appreciate ur good Muslim life and envy the fun of others, you now know that they are not that happy at all.  Kalau sebelum ni ko envy the freedom of others, you now know that the rules that we follow free us from the evils of this world. Kalau alcohol tak der dlm dunia ni, almost 90% of psychitric illness would not exist!!

   I believe I am a much better person for having chosen psychiatry placement, thank God. And I got the best psychiatry placement, too. There is nothing left to say now, but Alhamdulillah.

   And life moves on.

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