Beautiful Life!

I went berserk.

After a chatting session with my Kak Long, I went berserk updating my blog. Well, Kak Long, if you want to use any of the medical materials here for your next novel, you are more than welcomed to. Just be sure to dedicate the novel to my name. Huhuhu.

Last week I was accused of being judgmental. By Jenny (Oh no, the snake!).

And yes, I was judgmental. But why should it be a bad thing? The major difference between someone who is called judgmental and someone who is not called judgmental lies on whether or not he/she voices out loud what he/she thinks. If you do not have any thoughts whatsoever on anything that are not already self-evident or factual …you are either a brainless idiot or mentally retarded.

I knew I did not want to be a psychiatrist. Because I knew I gave harsh judgment. I am the sort of person who would say (kalau tak terang2 pun maybe dalam hati) “How could you be so stupid?”

Psychiatrist kan kena baik…dengar jer masalah patients, konon understanding lah sgt. Yeah, right!  Sebenarnya, di belakang tabir, they were laughing their asses off, making fun of their patients. David did that. Dean did that. Greg did that. I just joined in and tumpang gelak sekaki.

Sebenarnya aku bukannya tak ada choice untuk HES placements. Banyak lagi! Aku boleh buat Child Health, aku boleh buat Drug and Alcohol, aku boleh buat Rural Health.

Yet, I had chosen mental health. Because I wanted to know exactly what was it I was rejecting to become. All in the spirit of making an informed decision, of course.

I expected to walk away from mental health department with strong conviction that I would never want to be a psychiatrist. I expected to be able to cross out ‘psychiatry’ off my list of future options. I was set to become either a cardiologist or a GP.

I have seen so many patients with so many social problems yang bagi aku sangat remeh and sangat stupid. When you saw many patients presenting with suicide attempts….u become jaded tau! Benda tu dah bukan tragedy lagi. Malah, u get irritated.

Basically byk kes yg aku jumpa but I will only highlight yg aku rasa menarik.

1)A Lesbian patient

-Ada lesbian ni present with deliberate self poisoning bila girlfriend dia nak tinggalkan dia. When I went up to see her kat ICU, she stared at me, and was fascinated with holding my hands. At that time, David left me alone with the patient because he was talking to the nurse in charge.

-Because I already knew she was a lesbian, I felt the hair at the back of my neck stood on its ends. When she said I have a beautiful smile, I quickly pulled my hand away. It was creepy.

- I should not have let her hold my hands, sebenarnya. Sebagai health professionals, I should be professional. Sentuh bila perlu sahaja. Masalahnya, I am just a medical student. Sebagai student, aku sgt grateful kalau patient bagi consent untuk aku sit in during the interview. Tambah2 lagi mentally ill patients….siapa yg sanggup nak kasi org lain tahu diorang ni mentally ill? So, diorang sebenarnya berhak nak halau aku keluar any time. That’s why I always try to smile and be pleasant, always hoping tak ada patient yg nak halau aku. And I thought if this woman wants to hold my hand, why not? Bukannya luak pun…dia perempuan juga. Huh! Silap besar. That was one creepy session. I was so relieved bila David datang balik because she never took her eyes off me the entire time.

2) A girl went into abortion and then received bad news.

-Girl ni baru 17. Baru 17! Kalau umur aku time tu…I was worrying about add maths and physics and chemistry subjects.

-Tapi this girl punya social history memang heart-breaking. Dia memang dah ada bipolar affective disorder.

- Dier break up dengan bf 5 minggu lepas. Tapi 3 minggu lepas she found out she was pregnant. (And I was like, you stupid! We dun make condoms untuk buat perhiasan kat almari, okay?) So, dia nak keep the baby and ajak bf dia get back together. Tapi bf dia refused. So, not having any choice, dia pun aborted the baby. And then dia rasa guilty like hell.

-And to make matters worse…lepas dia dah abort the baby, dia dapat tahu dia kena polycystic ovarian disease. That means, it would be very difficult for her to be pregnant after this.

-So she tried to kill herself. Kesian kan! Tapi I could not help but think, “Padan muka ko! Saper suruh ko abort the baby….skrang baru tau nak ada anak!”

- Tapi I never said that out loud. Sebab aku still rasa kesian. Umur sangat muda…and your life is all messed up!

-Ni cuma salah satu daripada banyak kes di mana mothers feel guilty after abortion. I picked this one out sebab dia punya abortion timing sgt unfortunate…kalau lah dia tahu 2,3 minggu lagi awal bahawa dia ada polycystic ovarian disease, would she have aborted the baby?

-Sounds macam plot filem kan? Basically, dah banyak plot-plot filem yg aku dah tengok dalam 6 minggu kt wards. And I have been entertained most excessively.

3) A man with erectile dysfunction

- Lelaki ni memang aku kesian arr. Muka not bad. Tapi emotionally vulnerable.

-He tried to kill himself lepas bergaduh dengan girlfriend dia and girlfriend dia threatened nak break up. So, here he was, kat ICU.

-Dia pernah kahwin sebelum ni…divorced. Bekas isteri dia telefon dia and taunted him “Now, I have someone else to satisfy me. You are no good!”

-Bak kata David “This patient comes quickly or not at all.” And David and Dean laughed out loud. Aku jer yg stare kat diorang, tak percaya diorang buat joke like that. Bagi aku lelaki yg buat joke mcm ni ada dua possibilities jer: Samada diorang memang nak tunjuk confident habis yang diorang takkan ada problem yg sama in the future, atau pun diorang nak cover the fact that diorang pun dua kali lima. Huh!

-Lelaki ni interesting sebab erectile dysfunction dia is more psychological rather than any other medical problems. Benda tu boleh settle with just a little bit of mind strength. Tapi he chose to kill himself instead, sebab dia ada very low self esteem. 

4) A lady with borderline personality disorder and all problems under the sun.

-Lady ni interesting sebab dia cuba seduce Dean. Hahahha. Dean ni memang handsome. Tapi bukan tu sebabnya lady ni nak seduce dia.

-Lady ni akan seduce semua male health professionals, handsome or not. At first she would try to gain sympathy dengan pelbagai jenis masalah yg dia ada. She would cry non-stop…and then tiba2 dia akan buat konon dia akan cuba bertabah hati. And then dia akan smile and laugh and flirt. Dia akan puji-puji and try to flatter you by saying “You are the only one who ever really listened to me.”

-So Dean selalu minta aku teman dia setiap kali dia kena jumpa this lady. Mula2 tu aku syok jer nak teman…nak juga aku tengok mcm mana woman seduce a man. Tapi the last encounter tu…it was embarrassing! (I could not tell it here. Enough to say, I never want to see the patient again.)

5)Normal depressed patients.

-And there are patients yg betul2 ada psychosocial problems and need help.

-Masalah diorang memang besar, tak remeh, yang aku tak rasa nak marah pun.

-Diorang divorced, and then ada custody battle. At the same time ada masalah kat tempat kerja. Lepas tu tak cukup duit semua. Kiranya, masalah datang bertimpa2. Org mcm ni mmg deserve all the time spent. Masalahnya, patient mcm ni tak lah ramai sgt.

-Lagi ramai patient yg present sebab kebodohan sendiri…mostly drugs and alcohol.

7)Patient yg depressed sebab medical illness.

-Mostly patient mcm ni ialah patient yang baru dapat tahu diorang ada cancer.  Memang sedih jugalah…heart-breaking.

-I guess, they went in life never really thought of dying…like they are immortal or something. And tiba2 jer, death stares at their face. Siapa tak takut? Aku boleh faham kenapa diorang boleh depress.

-Ada satu makcik ni dah lama ada bone cancer. Dah metastasize merata2 kat badan dia. Tapi dia tak tahu pun. Dia ingat dia ada arthritis jer. Setiap kali dia merengek sakit tulang, kawan2 dia kutuk dia, “Manja! Tu saja nak lari drpd buat kerja. Mengada2.” Bila aku dengar banyak lagi kisah hidup dia, aku pun rasa sedih…nak menangis juga tengok dia menangis. Basically, she was the most misunderstood person ever. Semua org tak faham dia.

-So, bila dia pergi jumpa doktor and dapat tahu dia akan mati…dia tak tahu nak rasa mcm mana. Part of her felt satisfied…padan muka org yg dok mengata dia saja mengada2 buat2 sakit. Tapi mostly dia rasa sedih..sedih nak tinggal anjing dia, sedih nak uruskan harta2 dia ASAP.

-Basically, hari tu aku balik rumah rasa sedih. Not angry, not amused, just plain weary. I never found out what happened to her, whether or not she had died. I did not want to know.

6)Patient yg menyebabkan Jenny accused me of being judgmental.

-Patient ni tak ada problem apa pun sangat.

-Good job, good looks, no past history of mental illness, no medical illness.

-But he attempted to kill himself with wart-killers. Which caused erosion kat dia punya stomach sphincter and esophagus and all. Just because her girlfriend of 5 years nak break up dengan dia.

-Tiba2 hari tu aku emo. Aku bengang! Dia lah satu2 nya patient yang aku rasa paling tak ada masalah. Dia tak ada hak nak depressed. Orang lain lagi banyak problem bertimpa2. Lepas satu, satu lagi masalah datang. Ada org yg divorce lepas 20 tahun (dia punya relationship 5 tahun ja!) and at the same time kena fight for custody of children, at the same time ada job problem, at the same time diorang memang dah ada mental-illness sebelum ni!

-Relatively speaking, his life is a walk on the beach! Tapi dia punya suicidal risk was so high. Kitorang kena assign personal nurse untuk tunggu kat bilik dia siang malam, pagi petang.

-Basically, aku just bengang! And maybe aku dah tak tahan kot…aku dah lama tak puas hati and aku pendam jer. So that day was the last straw on the camel’s back.

I told Jenny. “I don’t get it! I have seen so many patients with much more serious and difficult problems all happening at the same time. But his problem is relatively minor. But why is he so suicidal? It doesn’t make sense to me.”

Jenny looked at me and she smiled (nasib baik dier senyum. Kalau 4 minggu lepas entah2 dia jerkah kat aku!) “Afiza, you shouldn’t say that. Because you are being judgmental.”

Aku pun ter-senyap.

“What is minor for you, may not be minor for others. You don’t know, some people really love their spouse, or they got really attached. What may seem trivial to you, may be very difficult for others.”

I just shrugged. Nak kata apa lagi?

Tapi aku still tak puas hati. To them everything is subjective. Setiap kali nak argue, “Well, this is my opinion. What you feel may not be the same as what I feel bla bla bla.”

Masalahnya, diorang tak bagi concrete reason kenapa ‘what they feel’ tak sama dengan ‘what I feel.’ Diorang akan debate sampai berbuih mulut and then cakap “let’s celebrate the difference.” Tak ada definite jawapan.

Brother Danu pernah cakap kat aku. “In Islam you don’t debate just as a form of intellectual excercise or mental stimulation. You debate to try to arrive at the truth!”

Apa guna ko debate kalau tak dapat jawapan last skali? Bukan semua benda subjecktif. Yang subjektif are love, favourite colours, favorite movies, favourite songs, beauty!

But most things should be seen as truth! Kebenaran! The truth is…u dun ever try to justify killing uself! Tambah2 lagi bila patient tu sebenarnya tak ada masalah besar sgt pun.

Memang aku tak sesuai jadi psychiatrist. Tapi kadang2 aku sangat enjoy. I dun enjoy the human sufferings, of course not! Tapi aku enjoy psychiatry. I enjoy the consistent reminders that I received as I realized how lucky I am have been born a Muslim. Everyday I am reminded of that fact.

And actually being a medical student in itself memang a consistent reminder of how lucky Muslims are. Ada saja peluang untuk ko gloat kat mat sallehs. Setiap minggu belajar penyakit baru, semua boleh link dengan alcohol. I have various opportunities to look at the aclohol-drinking Australians and say “I told you so,”

So eventhough I had chosen Psychiatry with the intention of confirming my belief that psychiatry is not for me, now I find myself evaluating my feelings. I know I could like Psychiatry. Very much, indeed. And it worries me.

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