Beautiful Life!

“It is better to just go ahead and do it, rather than worry sick about it beforehand,” - Somebody very wise must have said this, but I have not committed to memory who that person is.

All I know is, that person must be full of wisdom.

Tahu tetapi tidak mampu

Sometimes, it is not enough to just know that something is such and such. You got to have the ability to translate what you know into action as well.

-Aku tahu aku tak patut buang masa habiskan my novel, tapi aku tidak mampu nak resist.

-Aku tahu aku patut stop layan housemates aku bersembang, tapi aku tak mampu nak menghalau “nyah engkau dari bilik aku.”

And lately, I got one very heavy thing on my mind.

I know, I am absolutely convinced, that I should stop worrying about things in general whenever there are some changes about to take place, but I could not stop doing it! Aku tak mampu.

I have offcially diagnosed myself with Anxiety Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified).

Is it just habit?

I could not recall when exactly have I developed the tendency to worry. The furthest my memory could take me was when I was seven years old, when I was about to attend jamuan hari raya kat sekolah.

I still remember my conversation with my maid (my dearest Kak Milah yang jaga aku drpd baby sampai umur aku 11 tahun. In some ways, I was much closer to her than I was with my own mom)

“Kak Milah, rasanya kena bawa beg sekolah tak?” I asked her in all my innocent childhood cuteness (Hahhaaah. It’s my blog, I am allowed to perasan every now and then).

“Hari ni kan jamuan. Tak payah bawalah. Bukannya belajar pun,” Kak Milah jawab.

“Tapi kalau cikgu nak ajar juga, macam mana?” I asked her, worry was written all over my face.

“Kalau cam tu bawalah beg sekolah.” Kak Milah balas, senang hati.

“Tapi kalau kawan2 angah yang lain tak bawa? Nanti diorang gelakkan angah.”

“Kalau macam tu, tak payahlah bawa beg. Senang cerita.”

Muka aku mula nak sebek (bodoh tul aku time kecik dulu). Aku rasa tak puas hati dengan jawapan Kak Milah tu. Kenapa dia tidak boleh mendalami my worries? Bagi jawapan senang2 jer mcm tu…kejap cakap bawa, kejap tak payah. Cuba justify sikit!

Sampai nak dekat 15 minit I was like, “Nak bawa ke tak….nak bawa ke tak?” Memang penatlah Kak Milah nak layan aku punya hypothetical scenarios. Kalau cikgu nak ajar? Tapi kalau sebenarnya cikgu tak nak ajar? Tapi kalau kawan2 angah bawa beg, angah sorang tak bawa? Tapi kalau angah sorang je bawa beg?  (My only excuse is: I was only seven! My stupidity was allowed!)

Kak Milah sampai penat sangat, she was like “Hah, tak payah pi sekolah lagi senang! Biar ayah balik kerja nanti ayah marah, senang cerita!” Lepas tu, memang aku menangislah sambil tunggu bas sekolah kat luar rumah. Kak Milah memang tak tahan dengan aku nih. I was like, “Kak Milah cepatlah cakap. Nak bawa ke tak ni? Pakcik bas dah nak sampai ni!”

“Mana Kak Milah tau! Bukannya Kak Milah yang pi sekolah.” Waaaa waaaaa! Lagilah muka aku berkerut menahan anxiety yang memuncak.

Tapi aku end up bawa beg sekolah. And bila aku dah naik bas, aku found out kawan2 aku tak bawa beg sekolah, bawa makanan jer. Tapi yang anehnya, aku dah tak risau. Sebab aku dah found out: Oh, sebenarnya tak payah bawa beg. Instead, kawan2 aku plak yang risau. “Kenapa hangpa bawa beg? Hari ni blajaq ek? Kami tak bawa ni, macam mana!”

I guess my pattern of thoughts is : I hate uncertainties and I hate having to make choices. I worry and worry and worry (lantaklah mcm mana hebatnya org lain cuba pujuk aku, I will not stop worrying until aku dah find out for certain)….tapi bila aku dah find out, aku akan lega walau mcm mana teruk pun benda yg aku find out tu.

Bukannya aku tak tahu konsep redha…kenapa nak risau?  Tapi, I could not help it! Memang aku mcm tu!

Bila benda dah jadi, walaupun aku sedih/marah/etc aku still akan redha, iA. Tapi sementara nak tunggu benda tu jadi, I will worry. And worry. And worry. Non-stop.

As I grew up, I realized people will get tired of me kalau aku asyik nak risau jer. So, aku pun cuma tunjuk kerisauan sikit2 jer…after that, I made myself stop talking about it, tunjuk cool. Wakakkaka. Mcm sem lepas, penat Cik D nak layan aku punya “Apsal Dr. Shah cam tengok aku mcm annoyed ngan aku jer?” so after awhile, aku dah stop cakap pasal Dr. Shah sebab kesian kt Cik D ni lah.

Gosford

Semalam aku dapat emel from Sophie, telling me that accommodation aku kat Gosford dah ready. Aku kena ambil kunci this Thursday, and then I would begin 8 weeks of my life kat Gosford.

I perused the e-mail with deep-seated anxiety and dismay. Toilet share? Tak der stove, and just microwave? GP placement kat Wyong, the middle of nowhere? The GP I was assigned with is an Asian bernama Simon Chang(I had bad experience with Asian doctors. Bad experience. Negative reinforcements, if you still remember behavioural theory).

Benda2 ni serabut kepala otak aku! As far as I am concerned, I am about to go out of my orderly, timetabled life…into a life of chaos! My routine would be changed.

I have diagnosed myself with OCD.

Toilet share

This means, guys and girls share the same damned toilets and showers! Susah! Susah!

Paling kurang, ambil air sembahyang, ada gak 5 kali nak masuk toilet. And then nak mandi lagi, dah dua kali. Tu belum lagi nak buang air besar/air kecil in between. Dahlah setiap kali pun nak kena angkut botol bila masuk toilets.

I worried about it and aku cuba fikir solution: Maybe aku boleh mandi sehari sekali jer? And maybe aku boleh jaga air sembahyang aku untuk dua waktu?

Tapi my anxious side cakap: Tapi mcm mana kalau ko nak jogging ke petang2 (I have developed a hobby of walking petang2…tapi nak bagi sedap dengar, aku cakap jogging. Hahahha). Mesti balik jogging nak mandi. So kalau pagi2 nak kena mandi pergi hospital, mcm mana nak mandi sehari sekali jer kalau petang nak jogging? Takkan nak busuk for the rest of the night? Tidur busuk2 cam tu? Aaaargghhhh! Katakanlah aku sanggup tinggalkan hobby jogging ni selama 8 minggu, mcm mana kalau muscle2 yg aku dah penat2 develop ni mengecil…you know like, muscle wasting or atrophy or something like that. Oh, bugger!

Tak ada stove and refrigerator so small, might as well be non-existent.

Bagi aku, makan nasi and goreng telur dengan kicap pun dah sedap.

Aku tak expect pun nak makan sedap2. Tapi, at least aku nak makan nasi. And paling kurang pun nasi kering dengan telur, tak der kuah pun tak per. I dun mind.

So, aku worried apa aku nak makan dengan ada microwave jer? Aku nak beli jer selalu, macam lah aku ni kaya sgt kan! And macamlah byk sgt choice yang halal.

Aku cuba fikir solution: Beli fish finger, beli french fries, letak dalam microwave and then makan dengan sos cili. Sedap, per! Lepas tu breakfast, makan roti sapu mentega and jam pun orait gak! Lunch tu… ko diet jerlah, Afiza. Tak payah makan. Tak pun, beli hot chocolate. Kenyang juga.(yeah, right!)

My worried side: Mcm tak cukup nutrients jer makanan aku ni. Sayur tak der. Protein tak der…fish finger tu lagi byk tepung drpd ikan! Kalau aku sembelit sebab tak der sayur, mcm mana? Kalau aku tak der energy nak study sebab tak cukup makan?

Asian GP

Ok, aku memang paranoid dengan Asian doctors. Time first year, I got an Indian for my GP…so damn fussy! Dier lah yg suruh aku amik patient Hx in 10 minutes…apa kah!

Nasib baik the rest of my GP placements aku dapat dengan Australians. Diorang baik2…aku senang jer nak minta solat kat tempat diorang. Diorang ramah, ada saja benda nak cakap dgn aku.

GP yang aku dapat kali ni Chinese. Aku risau, adakah dia expect aku dah third year and I am supposed to know everything. When the fact is, I have forgotten lots of stuff! And kalau dia tak friendly, I would feel quite wary nak tanya “Do you have any place where I can perform my prayer? Will not be more than 10 minutes!”

The thing is, setiap kali pun aku risau pasal GP yg aku akan jumpa. Tapi except Dr. RJ tu, semua GP lain end up with me liking them very much. So, aku harap aku akan end up enjoying this placement as well. But at the back of my mind, I worried : What if this time, it would a GP placement from hell? I can’t be lucky every time kan!

Wyong (that’s where my GP placement is)

I am even worse at reading maps than I am at doing maths! No kidding! Like Maths, map is not one of my specialities.

Aku macam disoriented. Adakah kiri/kanan dlm map sama dengan kiri/kanan aku sekrang ni? Huhuhu. And I got lost quite easily. Kalau aku baru first time sampai kat satu2 tempat, aku tak tahu mcm mana nak naik bus. Aku tak tahu nak tunggu kat bus stop at which side of the road. And then, macam mana aku nak tahu nak tekan loceng bila, kat tempat mana?  Aku tak tahu tempat tu kat mana, so caner aku nak tahu bila aku dah sampai?

Ni, bagi aku, memang masalah besar! Setakat tak cukup nutrients and kena limit my toilet usage, aku boleh jer nak buat….it just takes patience and determination. Tapi kalau aku lost…

Ok, I love adventure. Kalau betul pun aku lost…kalau aku ada peta, maybe aku akan cuba juga figure out. At last, iA, mesti sampai juga. Tapi, tu bila aku tak ada appointment, tak payah sampai on time. So, aku ada byk masa nak figure out and nak get lost again and again.

Tapi, as a med student, aku mmg kena sampai on time. It is professional behaviour. Kalau aku get lost berjam2….who is going to rescue me? I dun know anyone!

My attempt at positive thinking: Ala Afiza, ko kena figure out sekali jer. Paling teruk pun , ko get lost skali jer. Lepas tu, ko tahulah caner nak pergi. Satu lagi, sesat jalan kena tanya! Use your damn mouth and ask around! This is not the time to be shy!

My negative thinking: Ok fine, aku get lost skali jer. Tapi…masalah transport plak. Kalau aku guna bus route yg straight to Wyong, aku kena naik bas pagi gila…and sampai sana kul 7.30, terkulat2 sorang2 kat situ…semua kedai pun tutup lagi, tak der siapa yang buka bisnes pagi2 buta cam tu!From 7.30 to 9.00, aku nak lepak kat mana? Nak buat apa? Kalau ada org nak culik aku pun tak mustahil!

Kalau aku guna bus route yang lain pula, aku kena change bus 2 kali, baru sampai Wyong. Tapi mcm mana kalau bus first tu terlambat and then I will miss the second bus? Tu baru hal nak pergi ke GP….belum lagi nak balik. Kalau balik pukul 5…nak tunggu tukar bas semua, entah kat mana aku nak smayang Asar. And entah2 bila sampai balik ke Gosford dah nak habis maghrib.

Huh! Benda2 mcm ni serabut!

Tapi aku rasa, aku memang patut stop worrying. Just go and deal with the problems when (or if) they come. Tak payah fikir teruk2. Bila dah jadi, baru fikir mcm mana nak deal. Skrang cool dulu, tak payah fikir lagi.

But my anxious side say: Kalau tak fikir skrang, nanti bila benda dah jadi, tak der idea/preparation nak tackle the problem. Lagi teruk! Time tu baru nak menyesal!

Hmmph! I rest my case. I cannot reason with myself. Maybe I should just accept that it is my lot in life to be worried and thinking too much all the time.

Maybe I am always meant to be a doctor. Because kebanyakan doktor memang ada OCD and anxious personality. Diorang teliti, and worried about their patients. Diorang OCD about hand washing etc.

I hope for the best outcome kat Gosford nanti. And now, I will go back to my maps and bus routes.

Last note:

“Know that if the whole ummah were to gather together to benefit you, it’d benefit you only with something Allah has prescribed for you. And that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you. ” -This time, I know who said this piece of wisdom. Our Noble Prophet, Muhammad S.A.W.  It gives me a sense of peace that the first quote at the start of this entry failed to do.

So, why worry,darling?

Filed under: The life of med student and