Beautiful Life!

     Huhuhu. A very prominent novelist been saying that I should change to blogspot/blogdrive. Wow…I am not that professional a blogger. I am just a humble, lowly medical student, obscure, uninteresting, unfamous. Unlike her, I do not have fans who would comment on how nice the layout of my blog is (heheheh…tho u just wait until I become a part time writer, Kak Long. Then all ur fans will ‘lari’ to me. huhuhuu). These are just a record of my random thoughts thruout my journey as a medical student. Besides, I like things in one place…I have got enough places I have to log in regularly; yahoo mail, student mail, netbank, uni blackboard, friendster…etc etc. I can’t add another one since all these really takes time..and remember, I am a struggling medical student. Time is life!

   All right, the thing with becoming a third year is you get to feel how would it be like to become a doctor. You get a glimpse of what you would be doing for the rest of your life. So, with the chance of acting like a doctor, some students develop ‘attitudish’ behaviour. Tu belum jadi surgeon…kalau  tak ego melambung macam gunung everest.

   Miss D ni pandai lah juga…and why not…dier dah buat separuh 4th year. So by right, dier tak patut ada ngan kitorang. But yes, she’s damn brilliant. But no one knows everything kan…so you have to ask. The thing is, when she did ask, she did it in such a way that it was defensive. It’s a bit like “Ok, I am not asking this because I am stupid. I do know quite a lot, actually.”

    I hear her asked something about ‘a lump on the anus’ to Miss T. So while Miss T was explaining it to Miss D…Miss T began the explanation from the very beginning. And Miss D was like, “Oh, I know that bit already. That’s not what I am asking.” And Miss D kept interrupting and became very impatient with Miss T. Aku yang tengah dengar ni pun rasa annoyed. Bagi akulah kan…org yg bertanya ada tanggungjawab nak dengar explanation org yg ditanya. Kalau pun dia dah tahu bits and pieces yg tengah diexplain, sabarlah dulu…wait until Miss T get to the point yg nak disampaikan. In explaining stuff, there should be a flow to it….so memang org akan mula dgn basic dulu…establish apa yg audience dah faham and then getting to the complicated bit.

   But Miss D was like. “Oh I know that already.” And then she went “But that’s not what I am asking.” And bila dah dapat jawapan from Miss T, Miss D was like, “Well that is simple, then. That’s all I was asking.” So,basically what Miss D wanted to say was “kenapalah ko nak terang kat aku benda2 basic yg aku memang dah tahu. Aku tanya soalan simple jer. Kenapa ko pergi terang panjang2 mcmlah aku ni bodoh sgt.”

   Aku memang tak tahan dgn Miss D! She is all right as a person…I could relate to her well. But when it comes to being a medical student, when it comes to impressing the doctors…I just could not help but make a face. Basically, she knows that she is brilliant, but that’s not enough. She wants everybody else to know it as well.

   If you think that is the worse type of medical student of all…you are in for a surprise. Siapa kata medicine tak inetresting. The type of people yang kita kena jumpa and deal with everyday…makes medicine a very interesting field. Especially for a writer who likes to observe how people behave.

1)The “rhetorical’ medical students
-Pernah tak jumpa org yg tanya soalan and then dier pergi jawab soalan dia sendiri?  Remember how annoyying that person can be? I don’t mean org yang tanya soalan dengan tujuan nak discuss…I mean, org yg ‘berpura2′ tak tahu in the first place, tapi tiba2 lepas dia tanya soalan, dia automatically tahu. Haih…menarik betul if brain works that way. Kalau tak tahu jer, verbalize it out loud, and tiba2 ada wahyu datang meresap dlm hati and then u suddenly know it.

-Aku pernah jer tanya soalan yg aku dah tahu. But my way of doing it is, “Ok, cuba teka apa treatment untuk pulmonary embolism?” Do you know what I mean? To me, the ‘rhetorical’ medical student is the most annoying.

2) The ‘Omniscient’ medical student
This is a student who answers all questions correctly….eventhough the doctor is asking someone else. Why is this student annoying? Sebab, she wants to show off all the time. Steal the limelight all the time. Be the center of attention all the time. Selagi mana dia boleh jawab, dia akan jawab. Bukan nak tunggu student yg ditanya tu tak boleh jawab dulu ke….or tunggu student tu pause lama sikit ke…But no! She will answer everything. Apa saja question, ‘Oh, I know that. And yes, I know that one too. And gosh, I have just studied that one. Basically, I know lots of things.”

Dia annoying sebab bila ada soalan yg betul2 susah yg ditanya kepada student lain, dia tak nak jawab pula. So end up, dia sorang nampak pandai sebab dia asyik jawab soalan yg senang and common knowledge. Tak bagi peluang org lain nak jawab soalan yg senang tu.

And time regional rotation ni, dah byk kali aku nampak Miss  D duk buat benda  cam tu. Tanya soalan kt org lain….tapi dia yg rush jawab.  Sebelum ni, walapun ada solan yg aku reti jawab, aku takkan jawab sampai lah doctor cakap specifically “anyone else knows the answer?”. Sebab kat Malaysia kan ada jer cikgu yg cakap, “Saya tanya Ahmad. Saya tak tahu plak ada dua Ahmad kat sini. Kamu ni Ahmad juga ke? Kalau nama kamu bukan Ahmad, kenapa kamu jawab?”. Aku tak ak lah kena cam tu kat sini. “Afiza, I was not asking you!” Oh man, tu lagi malu!

   Tapi tiba2 aku nampak ramai org duk wat benda yg sama (mayb, diorang rasa mcm aku pun nak kena impress doctor gak. Takkan nak biar Miss D jer nampak pandai)…so aku pun join sekali. Takkan aku plak nak end up senyap and nampak bodoh sorang2. So skang ni, kalau ada jer soalan yg aku leh jawab, aku akan jawab jer walaupun ditanya pada org lain. Tapi, aku tak der arr buat cam tu tiap2 kali. Kalau aku rasa cam aku dah jawab dua tiga kali…aku dah tak jawab lah lepas tu. Tak naklah org rasa aku ni annoying plak. Aku jawab setakat nak cukup syarat “Ok, aku dah contribute to the discussion. That’s it.”

3) The quiet confidence
Aku memang tabik spring kat budak medic yg type ini. They are brilliant, they are nice, they are confident but never show off.

Sebab memang diorang tak payah nak show off pun. Diorang sendiri tahu diorang pandai, orang lain pun tahu diorang pandai. They don’t have to prove themselves to anyone. It’s self-evident. (just like we dun need to prove that the sea contains lots of water, it is clear to see. It is self-evident). That’s why I label this student as ‘quiet confidence’.

   Kadang2 doktor ada gak wonder, budak ni senyap sebab tak tahu apa ke…tapi bila setiap kali doktor tanya soalan kat dia and end up dia boleh jawab, doktor tahulah bahawa budak ni ‘diam-diam ubi berisi.’ Bukan mcm tin kosong, berdengung jer lebih.

And budak medic of this type akan jawab soalan yg susah2 jer, especially bila dah tak der org yg tahu apa jawapan untuk soalan tu. Soalan2 yg senang, dia biar kawan2 lain jawab. (In newcastle, Mancho lah student with quiet confidence. He’s just amazing)

Aku teringin nak jadi org mcm ni. Org yg confident…dier tak takut untuk jadi senyap, because “I know that I know the answers. It’s enough that I know I am brilliant. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I need not show off.”

Aku rasa medical student mcm ni lah yg org respect. Dahlah pandai….tak annoying plak tu. Tak arrogant. Tak show off. Sebab sebenarnya, org yg show off tu lah yg tak confident dgn diri sendiri. Dia kena menggunakan org lain (pura2 tanya soalan yg dia dah tahu, and ambil hak menjawab student lain) untuk nampakkan dia pandai. Full of bullshit (excuse my french).

4) The pseudo-quite confidence

Dalam medicine the word ‘pseudo’ means ‘looks like something.” For example, pseudo-carcinoma. Carcinoma means cancer. So pseudo-carcinoma means,it looks like cancer, but it is actually not.

I belong in this category; the speudo-quiet-confidence

Most of the time, I am quiet.  Tapi, sebab tak nak nampak cam bodoh sgt, I try to couch my facial expression into confidence. I like to fake the look of ‘quiet confidence’. Hahahhaa. Tapi kdg2 bila doktor nak test aku, and find out aku tak tahu, I am stuffed lah kan. So, doktor ni tahu lah aku ni bukan quiet confidence, just quite un-confident.

So yes, tak ramai org yg quiet confidence ni. So actually, most of the time, kalau student tu senyap, memang sebab dier tak tahu. Tak pun, kalau dier tahu, dier tak betul2 sure betul ke tak jawapan yg ada dlm kpala otak dier tu. Byk kali jer aku sembang ngan fellow malaysian…diorang pun cakap “Byk kali kita nak bagi jawapan, tapi kita takut tak betul. Tapi at last bila org lain jawab jawapan yg sama, rupa2 nya jawapan kita tu betul. Geram!”

So, di mana ‘quiet confidence’ takkan takut untuk berdiam diri, org yg pseudo ni pula akan sentiasa risau nak jadi ‘terlalu senyap’. Nanti kang kena aim ngan doktor. So every once in a while, the pseudo person kena juga volunteer jawab sikit2.  Tak berani nak senyap lebih2.

I guess, org mcm aku ni sgt takut buat mistakes. Malu! And takut ideas kena reject. Malu! Takut ini, and takut itu. So, we switch into safe mode, don’t want to get out of our comfort zone. So my thinking pattern is, kalau aku try and salah, aku malu. Kalau aku tak try, org takkan tahu yg aku tak tahu.

Yes, by switching into a safe mode, I dun get embarrassment or rejection. But neither do I get the glory and the sense of achievement.

Conclusion:
The ‘pseudo-quite-confidence’ have to work harder to become ‘quiet confidence’. But the ‘pseudo-quite-confidence’ should NEVER, NEVER EVER become ‘the rhetorical’ or ‘the omniscient’ medical student in her/his attempt to become ‘quiet confidence’. I’d rather be thought stupid than arrogant. At least when ppl think you are stupid, you have the opportunity to impress them every once in a while. But if people think you are arrogant, they are going to remember you as a pain in the ass for the rest of their life.

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