Beautiful Life!

Alhamdulillah, I have done my short cases exam just one hour ago. Since I am now quarantined from the other candidates, aku stuck lah kat library sampai semua org dah abih exam.

Confident?

Hahahha. Well, let’s just say nothing went terribly wrong. I could answer all questions. Tak der satu pun yg aku terpaksa ckp “I dun know’, tapi ada jugalah yg aku amalkan teknik crapping. Huhuhu. And I din forget anything. And the examiners were all smiling and nice to me time aku nak kuar bilik….tapi they could be giving me a sympathetic smile ke….who knows kan. Like I usually said, aku tak berani nak confident lebih. Now is the time untuk bertawakkal jer and hope for the best. Whatever comes out of this, it has been presrcibed. Aku dah usaha…tak dapat juga memang takdir lah tu. I am now content.

Seven weeks of being here taught me that if you look weak, you will be trampled upon. Sure, everybody says things like “don’t judge a book by its cover” bla bla bla…but people do it all the time. Kalau ko tak judge org, org akan judge ko. So, yes, you can be nice and not judge. But that does not guarantee everyone else would follow ur principle. So, while you are being nice and not judging others, you also have to make sure that if anyone ever want to judge you, you will look good (and I dun mean physically). Dun ever have this principle of “I am not going to improve how I present myself because no one should judge me.” Welcome into the real world!

“I think the patient’s trachea is deviated.”

“You think so? Why?” Cara doktor ni tanya soalan mcm lah aku punya finding silap. BUt you know what…he sensed a hint of uncertainty in my sentence. Tu pasal dia soal lagi. “Could it be deviated?” the doctor pressed on.

So, putting on a confident face, I looked him in the eye and said, “It could.The patient has an onxygen tube on, yet he is still under respiratory distress. And he’s got drainage on his right lung. So yes, his trachea could be deviated.”

“Ok then, continue with your examination.”

Sebenarnya aku bukannya tak nak nampak confident, aku cuma tak nak nampak arrogant. You could be dead certain about something, but it could turn out wrong. So,that’s y I dun want to commit to a definite answer…supaya kalau aku salah, aku ada peluang untuk cakap. “Oh, saya cakap it ‘could’ be deviated. Saya tak cakap saya betul2 sure tadi. So, walaupun jawapan saya salah, it wasn’t that bad because I did not say I was certain, did I?”

Hahahha. But that would be cheating, isn’t it? The game is, you examine ur patient, and this is what you find, so report what you find, commit to an answer. Kalau silap, silaplah. Nak buat mcm mana. So, the advantage of committing to an answer is, you would practice harder so that you can report your findings with confidence. And the truth is, kita cuma akan confident dengan kita punya findings selepas kita dah pernah jumpa kes yg sama berkali2. So, there’s no cheating here. Kalau tak cari patient and tak practice, you will never be confident.

Aku pernah ter-naik suara kat surgeon. Aku bengang sebab dia asyik duk tekan2 aku. Aku punya answer at that time, “The patient could have bowel obstruction.” Tapi, doktor tu rasa jawapan dier maybe pancreatitis. Tapi hey, I reported what I found kan…

“Are you sure? Tell me, could it or could it not be bowel obstruction?” Cara dier tanya soalan tu aku rasa sangat bengang. Sebelum tu dier ader gak berleter something about why I dun say pancreatitis when the patient has said something could be wrong with his pancreas. Masalahnya this is short case. I was reporting base on examination findings and not history taking. Suka hati akulah, diagnosis aku. Aku rasa mcm dier nak mencabar aku samada nak tukar ikut jawapan dier or something. Aku rasa geramlah…apsal nak marah2 aku plak ni.  Even specialist pun boleh silap bagi diagnosis, kenapa kalau aku yg medical student ni tersilap kasi diagnosis nak marah2 plak? melampau lah tu!

So, aku pun tak pikir apa dah, suara aku pun sama naik gak, “Well, it could be one of differential diagnosis.” Aku bertegas, tak nak tukar jawapan.
The surgeon hesiatated and then shrugged his shoulder as he said, “ok, fair enough.”

Fuh lega aku!

Aku sebenarnya tak sangka aku boleh ter-naik suara kt surgeon. I have always had a temper, tapi slalunya kat siblings jer lah yg aku nak vent my anger pun. Tapi that day, aku rasa cam wah..what is happening with me. Nasib baik, doktor tu agree that bowel obstruction could be the answer.

Basically what I want to say is, “If that is what u find, report it, and be prepared to defend it.” Bayangkan kalau aku pergi ubah answer aku waktu tu, mesti aku kena lagi teruk. And the thing is mat salleh ni bukan reti sgt nak beza antara modesty dengan weakness, or antara confidence and arrogance. I guess, you just have to be assertive. Tegas. Kalau salah, well…tu pasal aku ni medical student and not doctors. Duh!

Kadang2 ada mat salleh bagi jawapan silap tapi ckp dgn confidentnya, doktor tu tak marah pun. Dier akan betulkan, tapi dier takkan drone on and on. And kalau kita bagi jawapan betul pun, tapi namapak cam tak sure, lagi teruk kena drill daripada org yg bagi jawapan silap.

Sampai skrang aku wonder samada surgeon tu tahu aku marah kat dier. Aku tahu suara aku went up a notch. Tapi rasa, taklah obvious sgt. But when I walked out of the room, my friend ada cakap, “Tadi Afiza marah surgeoun tu ek?”

Huhuhu. Harap2 nya dia saja yg perasan. Tu pun maybe because she knows me well so she would be able to detect my anger. Aku tak tahu samada all my other tutemates knew or not.

But I think, when I am angry selalunya obvious. My siblings used to say, “Mata hang ni mencerlang bila marah.” I dun even know what mencerlang means. Huhuhu.

Tak per arr, it’s done. Aku dah termarah pun. Tak leh nak tarik balik.

But yes, the take-home message is. “Defend ur answer, even if you have to snap at a surgeon.” It was worth it.

Filed under: The life of med student and