Dear Jane…
Aku tak pernah rasa sakit hati mcm ni sekali.
Jane, my dear sweet housemate, dah berubah. Sebelum ni, setiap kali dier nak bawa lelaki, dier akan mention kat aku so that I won’t be caught by surprise. Tapi sejak datangnya Kelly masuk ke dalam unit ni, Jane dah tak kisah pasal aku.
Basically, Kelly ni suka sgt bawa boyfriend dier masuk dlm umah. Tiap-tiap hari pulak tu! AKu jadi bengang…takkan aku nak pakai tudung dlm umah tiap2 hari? Melampau lah!! So, untuk tunjukkan rasa tak puas hati aku, aku tanya Jane, “Is Kelly’s boyfriend going to be here all the time?”
Tahu Jane jawab apa? “Yes, it is the culture here. You know, you should apply to stay with other muslim girls. I know it’s hard. But it is the culture here!”
Aku jadi sakit hati dengan Jane! Kelly tu memang aku sakit hati juga…tapi at least Kelly tu tak baik ngan aku pun sebelum ni! Dengna Jane tu…aku rasa geraaaammmmm sgt!! Aku dah byk kali tolerate dengan dier punya aktiviti! Tak boleh ke dier consider aku sama?
So, I write her a letter, to explain to her that I have my own rights to be comfortable in my own house!
Dear Jane,
You know how my English is better in writing than it is in speaking, hence this letter.
. Hence, I feel like I am more familiar with the rules of ‘having guests in the Uni accommodation’ than anyone else in the house.
Basically, if anyone else bothers to read the license agreement at all (it’s still in the uni website; there’s a link under the headlines ‘guest’), there is one section talking specifically about the etiquette of having guests in the house. From vague memory, here are the rules:
1)The resident cannot allow the guest to spend overnight for more than ten days in a year.
2)The guest should only stick to the host’s room (in this case, Collin can only go into Kelly’s room) and not impose the guest’s presence on the other housemates.
3)If the guest wants to use the shower, the kitchen and the lounge room or the other comforts of the house, the guest must be accompanied by the host, and ONLY if the other residents are not uncomfortable with it.
4)The host’s key must not be given to anyone else (your guest included)
All the rules above were made for the sake of security and for the sake of the comfort of the other paying residents.
I do not blame Collin for being here. Collin is Kelly’s guest and it is her responsibility to mention of his presence to the other housemates. But she never bothered to do so. She does not have the sole ownership of the house. I pay for the rent too. I guess, I am also wrong for not telling her. In the future, I would do so.
This is not just a cultural issue. Even if you rent a house off-campus together with four other housemates, it is common courtesy that you should mention your guest’s presence to your other housemates. It is rude to impose the presence of someone else in the house that you share with other housemates who also pay the rent.
I expect Kelly to do what you did every time you bring a guest home. Mention it to me. Show me some respect. At least, Kelly should have told me what to expect; how long is Collin going to hang around, is he gonna be in the kitchen or lounge room? Is he going to go upstairs? Until what time is he gonna be here for?
This house is meant to accommodate five people at a time. That’s the license agreement that I signed every year. As a future lawyer, you know what license agreement means. Since you have told me that Collin is going to be here all the time, that’s six people. That’s not what I have agreed to pay the rent for.
Now, even though culturally we are different, we are actually not that different. I have certainly had friends coming over too. But I am always careful to mention that fact to the other housemates. I am trying to show that I respect their rights as the co-owners of the house, knowing that by having my friends over might compromise their comfort. I have no right to let my friends use the facilities in the house that my friends don’t pay for, unless with permission from the other housemates (verbal or implied consent).
Having said that, not everything you do need the housemate’s verbal consent. This is not, after all, a jail and I am not a warden. For example, I implied my consent of having Monica here (because I like her and she is such a sweet girl) by welcoming her into the house with a greeting and a smile. I don’t need you to ask my permission for that. And certainly if I am not available to ask permission from, I would not feel offended to find out anyone has had a guest when I was not home. I am not that bad. I am not that unreasonable.
But in cases that you feel might bring discomfort to your housemates, courtesy demands that you ask for the housemate’s agreement, or at least mention it.
By bringing Collin in the house whenever she pleases, my comfort is greatly compromised:
1)He pops up here all of a sudden. If that is a single, isolated occurrence I would not have minded very much. But here, I saw him practically every day. If I don’t see him everyday, I could hear him everyday in my room. The sign that you had so brilliantly designed at the wall near the stairs has become useless. The ‘male picture’ on the signpost hasn’t changed for days!
2)You know that I like having my room door open. I feel claustrophobic when my door is shut. But with him around, I have to close the door all the time because he would have to pass my door to go to the toilet or the shower.
3)I have to wear my full clothes if I need to go to the shower because I worried he’d suddenly come out from Kelly’s room and would see me indecent.
4)During the last semester break, Kelly gave her key to Collin one night, and he keeps coming in and out of the house (like he actually lives here) making me and Dayah feel so uncomfortable, not knowing when to expect him to come.Basically, the rule of not giving your key to someone else is made for a reason. You can’t just let your friend (who is a stranger to your other housemates) has access to the house that you actually share with other housemates. The other housemates would have no idea what type of person your friend could be. They could be put at risk and so are their possessions in the house. Now, that’s just an example and I am not saying that Collin’s personality is the risky type. I am just trying to explain why I feel so annoyed with Kelly.
5)Having shower together? Twice? What is inappropriate in your parents’ house must also be inappropriate when done in a house that you share with others. I think, that is common sense.
Like I have mentioned before, I too have had friends coming over, but I certainly have mentioned the fact to you and other housemates who were present in the house, as a show of courtesy. I would be even more mindful to mention it if I think me and my friends will be using the lounge room and the kitchen for a lengthy time. And when I had only one friend coming over for study, she only sticks in my room and not in the other shared area like the kitchen or the lounge.
Like I said, I am not averse to anyone bringing their friends home but everything must have a limit. After all, the word ‘guest’ has a specific definition. It certainly does not mean ‘being here all the time’ (cultural issues or not). She certainly could have him here once or twice a week. Tell me what to expect and how long to expect him here especially if they will be using the lounge and the kitchen. I don’t want to be caught surprised without my headscarf on. And if anyone wants to have their female friends over, I am giving my consent in advance. Go ahead and bring them over and don’t even need to mention to me. But I have to draw the line when it comes to ‘male guest’.
One day, you would become a lawyer and you would fight for someone’s right. I have grounds for complaints. Last year, Dayah lodged a report on her housemate for always bringing her boyfriend over and Edwards Hall administration had actually sent a warning email to her housemate. Like I said, I have grounds for complaint. Australian culture is not the only culture in the university. Edwards Hall does respect other people’s culture too. Therefore in matters like this, let’s go back to the basic rules of having a guest in the house. There are limits.
If this is a court case, the verdict is clear cut. I am a paying resident and I don’t live here on charity. My comfort matters because I pay the rent for this unit and Colin does not. And the license agreement protects my rights.
All I ask is simple; tell me when to expect Collin around, bearing in mind that a guest is a guest and is subjected to the rules. Therefore, a guest is not going to be here ‘all the time’ and cannot come and go as he wishes without consulting the other housemates. That is the privilege of the paying resident only.
When Kelly had chosen to live here, in a shared unit, she should know that her freedom would be compromised. After all, no one is totally free. Our freedom is limited by other people’s freedom. Our rights are limited by other people’s rights. When there are disputes about one’s right compared to another person’s right, we should just go to the basic rules in the license agreement (even though I hate to be fussy and pedantic).
Dearest Jane, this letter is written because I am much better at writing than I am at speaking in English. I feel I could be more frank and coherent in a letter. I am upset, but not at you. The reason I wrote this is because I want you to understand that it’s not that I refuse to adapt to the culture. That’s a side issue. This is an issue of respect. Also an issue of my rights. And I take that seriously.
Your own conduct is above reproach. You have gone to the trouble of designing a ‘sign system’ to let us know when the boys would be here. I appreciate your concern more than anything. And I want you to know that.
Your suggestion about having an all-Muslim girls in the house had been done the past two years.This is my first year of having non-Muslim housemates and only because there aren’t that many Muslim students anymore.
But I have an even better suggestion. Maybe, Kelly and Collin can rent a house together and live together (since they seem to want to be together all the time). Then they won’t have to worry about other people hearing them in the shower. Hahahaha.
With deepest regard and respect,
Fiffy
Filed under: Family Life and
tul gak jane tu ckp…nape tak duduk ngan geng Muslim len?
mamat komen kat atas nih xpaham ko nyer english ke ape?
Hazmin,
the issue is not about me staying dengan org muslim ke tak…
The issue is respect! kalau pun ko duduk sama2 kawan ko jer….boleh ke ko suka2 hati nak bawa org tiap2 hari. Tak rasa bersalah ke kt housemates lain?
Budak Oz pun bukan semua yg suka ada bf housemate diorang datang! It’s imposing!Aku bukannya against the culture, aku cuma minta diorang respect sikit hak org len nak rasa selesa di rumah sendiri.
Ko selesa ke kalau tiap2 hari ada housemate ko bawa gf dier all the time? Padahal ni umah ko! Gf dier tak bayar pun!
Kalau dah tetamu tu, buatlah cara tetamu. Bukannya datang tiap2 hari.
Ko risau aurat ko dengan laki yang dia bawak masuk je ke? Dgn member non Muslim tu tak risau?
Surah An-Nuur ayat 31 :-
Dan katakanlah kepada perempuan-perempuan yang beriman supaya menyekat pandangan mereka (daripada memandang yang haram), dan memelihara kehormatan mereka; dan janganlah mereka memperlihatkan perhiasan tubuh mereka kecuali yang zahir daripadanya; dan hendaklah mereka menutup belahan leher bajunya dengan tudung kepala mereka; dan janganlah mereka memperlihatkan perhiasan tubuh mereka melainkan kepada suami mereka, atau bapa mereka atau bapa mertua mereka atau anak-anak mereka, atau anak-anak tiri mereka, atau saudara-saudara mereka, atau anak bagi saudara-saudara mereka yang lelaki, atau anak bagi saudara-saudara mereka yang perempuan, atau perempuan-perempuan Islam, atau hamba-hamba mereka, atau orang gaji dari orang-orang lelaki yang telah tua dan tidak berkeinginan kepada perempuan, atau kanak-kanak yang belum mengerti lagi tentang aurat perempuan; dan janganlah mereka menghentakkan kaki untuk diketahui orang akan apa yang tersembunyi dari perhiasan mereka; dan bertaubatlah kamu sekalian kepada Allah, wahai orang-orang yang beriman, supaya kamu berjaya.
Aurat wanita apabila berhadapan atau bergaul dengan wanita bukan Islam adalah tutup keseluruhan tubuh badan kecuali muka dan tapak tangan. Rasulullah S.A.W. bersabda dalam sebuah hadis yg bermaksud: Abdullah bin Abbas ada menyatakan, Rasulullah S.A.W. bersabda yg maksudnya: “Tidak halal kaum wanita Islam itu dilihat oleh kaum Yahudi dan Nasrani”.
Ini adalah kerana dikhuatiri wanita bukan Islam boleh mendedahkan perwatakan tubuh badan dan aurat wanita muslimah kepada rakan-rakan lelakinya yang bukan Islam mahupun yang beragama Islam.
Ada pendapat yang lagi ringan…tapi tetap tak valid dgn Jane tu…
Pandangan yang agak berlainan dari pandangan jumhur ialah pendapat Ibn Arabi (Ahkamul Qur’an, Jld 3, ms 326)
beliau berpendapat maksud `aunisaa’ihinna’ (wanita mereka) itu bermaksud semua wanita yang baik akhlaqnya dan baik hubungannya dengan wanita muslimah. Ini bermakna wanita Islam boleh membuka auratnya kepada wanita yang baik akhlaknya dan menjalin hubunan baik dengan mereka. Ia termasuk wanita bukan Islam. Jika wanita itu buruk akhlaknya termasuk wanita Islam sendiri, maka wanita Islam tidak boleh membuka auratnya. Syaikh Ali Asyhabuni (mufassir baru dari Saudi (Tafsir Asyabuni) menyokong pendapat Ibn Arabi.
So, are u saying that since aku tak jaga aurat aku ngan perempuan non-muslims aku pun tak payah jaga aurat aku ngan lelaki non-muslims? gitu?
Lagipun, argument aku bukan base on culture and religion. Ko ingat matsalleh nak terima ke argument aku kalau aku cakap aku tak nak collin datang sebab aku nak tutup aurat? Diorang takkan terima!
So, argument aku base on ‘privacy’. Bila dier kasi collin dtg hari2, aku rasa my privacy is being compromised.
okay, Hazmin.
Since ko dah kasi dalil kan. Aku terima ur argument.
So, you will be interested to know yg aku akan pindah from that house, iA dalam 3 minggu lagi. Aku still duk on campus, but I am sharing the room with dayah.
Now, no non-muslims (males or females) yg aku perlu risau pasal aurat aku.
good news =)