Evaluating the political scenario in Malaysia…

Posted on July 1st, 2008 by fiffyafiza

Today, I wanna talk politics. Kui kui kui. Actually when I first created this blog, I was very determined to stick to medical stuff only. But well, that was of course a half-baked plan, since my life is not all about medicine.

So, since I am now holidaying at home (I have read almost ten novels now! Ah, the bliss of mid-year break!) with no interesting medical experience to share, why not deviate from medical topics just for awhile, and talk politics.

The Malaysian Politic had never seemed more interesting than when I was 13. Terkejut bangat time tengok berita pasal Anwar dipecat from jawatan TPM. Lepas tu banyak plak berita2 pasal the alleged sex/sodomy acts. (note that I use the word ‘alleged’ here. What really happened, only God knows).

I was (probably still am) a staunch Mahathir’s supporter. I just thought that he was brilliant (still is). Ada orang nak argue pasal dia punya ‘kewarakan’ (or lack of) tapi bagi aku, he was a decent man. Aku malas nak judge orang punya kealiman sebab aku sendiri pun tak alim. And ada orang yang mcm alim gila…tapi akhlak diorang dalam bertutur kata lagi dahsyat pun ada. Bagi aku, orang yang ikhlas dalam agama, selalunya akan cuba seboleh2nya untuk avoid berpolitik. Bukan sebab aku ni sekular, fikir yg politik and agama kena dipisahkan. No!

Cumanya, org Muslim sekarang ‘trapped’ dalam sistem berpolitik ala2 Barat. We are in the system! So, kita punya ciri2 keIslaman will be compromised. Unless kalau kita mengamalkan sistem berpolitik secara Islam (the establishment of the caliphate), barulah org Islam dapat berpolitik dengan telus juga.

Analoginya beginilah: kita seboleh-bolehnya tak nak guna credit card. It’s not an Islamic practice. I have known an Australian muslim yang memang tak nak pakai kredit card lepas dia convert. Walaubagaimanapun, kita berada dalam sistem kapitalisme…di mana credit card is accepted and in fact is the preference. Nak hire kereta, kena guna credit card. Nak tempah tiket kapal terbang pun kena guna credit card. Macam2 lagi asyik kena guna credit card. So, sebab kita berada di dalam sistem ini, kita punya prinsip dah ter-compromise di situ. 

Tu pasal bagi aku, org alim selalunya akan jaga prinsip diorang dengan tidak berpolitik. Even zaman ulama dulu2 pun, diorang cuba avoid jawatan kadi sebab tak nak compromise diorang punya prinsip. Takut kena endorse kezaliman pemerintah.

Tengok sistem politik Malaysia sekarang. It is a system yang berparti. Kadang2 org alim ni pi join parti yang ‘kurang islamik’. Dia sendiri seorang yang alim…tapi prinsip dan pendirian kadang2 terkorban bila kena mempertahankan pendirian parti. Apa, ingat orang UMNO tak ada langsung supporters yang golongan ustaz atau tuk imam? Banyak! Are they less Islamic then the PAS imams? Think about it!

Dulu pernah jadi di mana org PAS anggap org UMNO kafir sebab diorang ni kononnya bekerjasama dengan org Kafir (MIC, MCA). Tak silap aku, diorang pakai dalil tentang orang yang menjadikan orang kafir teman2 rapat sesungguhnya mereka dari golongan itu juga…sthg like that. Tapi bila org PAS pula bekerjasama dengan DAP, tiba2 pendirian diorang berubah. Diorang mula kata Nabi Muhammad sendiri tidak menghalang kerjasama dengan non-Muslim untuk tujuan kebaikan bla bla bla. Oh, pandai pulak!

Satu lagi contoh famous ayah aku bagi. Apabila pilihanraya menjelang di mana UMNO bagi beras kat orang miskin, orang PAS selalu kata, “itu nak rasuah pengundi lah tu!”. Tapi bila orang PAS buat benda yang sama, dier cakap, “Ni sedekah.”

The same act being given a more Islamic name! How does that make sense? Aku rasa mesti ramai org PAS intellectual at that time yang rasa pelik dengan sikap double standard yang diamalkan…tapi mungkin diorang rasa, “Tak per, kita kena biar parti menang walaupun aku sendiri kurang setuju dengan pendirian parti. Once parti dah menang, barulah aku  boleh buat perubahan.”

Inilah kepincangan sistem politik berparti, menyebabkan susah orang2 yang alim (yang mahu berpolitik) untuk mempertahankan pendirian mereka.

Namun begitu, tak derlah aku nak cakap org alim yang berpolitik ni tak baik. No! It depends on your argument lah kan. Ada orang rasa kalau dia berpolitik, dia boleh ubah kepincangan politik from within or maybe dia rasa dia boleh jadi lebih efektif dengan masuk politik. Mungkin dia tu alim and also sangat2 respected sampai boleh influence the party leaders untuk ubah kepada pendekatan yang lebih Islamik. Tu terpulanglah pada pendapat masing2….aku tak taksub dengan satu pendirian sahaja.

But I just would like to note that Mufti Perlis sewaktu ditanya samada dia nak join PKR, beliau sendiri merasakan bahawa beliau buat masa ini lebih efektif menyumbang sebagai non-politician. I really like that guy…an honest religious figure that would call a spade a spade.

The truth is, once you commit to a certain party (dan setiap party dah ada pendirian masing2 yang mungkin tak tally dengan diri kita) it would be harder for you to stick/maintain your innocence. Thus, my argument that “usually orang yg alim dan ikhlas beragama akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk jadi efektif di luar lingkungan politik kepartian.”

Kes liwat DSAI 1998

Kalau kita nak tuduh orang tu berzina/liwat…kita kena ada at least 4 saksi (if men) yang tidak fasik! Sometimes, we do not even have four! Sometimes we may have four witnesses, but maybe two of them are fasik (tak tutup aurat, pernah berbohong, etc).

Susah nak cari saksi! Nak cari saksi yang tak fasik lebih mencabar lagi! Aku sendiri pun tak sure samada aku ni dikira fasik ke tak. What I mean is the average muslims in Malaysia tak pass nak jadi saksi pun! Muslims zaman sekarang bukan mcm dulu.

So, aku malas nak komen samada aku rasa DSAI ni pernah meliwat adik angkat dia or not. Manusia hanya boleh menghukum pada yang zahir. Yang kita tidak tahu, tu adalah urusan Allah.

Menggunakan argument yang sama, kita juga tak boleh tuduh kerajaan waktu itu berkonspirasi. We don’t know! Kalau ada orang nak tuduh kerajaan benda mcm tu, again datangkan saksi dan bukti yang kukuh.

Sama macam org yg tuduh kerajaan rigged the election! Ada yang tuduh kerajaan sembunyikan peti undi lah…tak pun tuduh kerajaan ada pengundi hantu bla bla bla. Mana bukti? Jangan main tuduh!

To quote Mufti Perlis sewaktu menghuraikan kes Azhar Mansur (yang dituduh murtad), “Kita menghukum pada yang zahir. Kadang2 memang sungguh pun orang tu kafir…tapi kalau dia tidak mengaku, kita tidak salah kalau kita tak ambil tindakan. Ini kerana kaedah kita menghukum tu dah betul. Satu lagi contoh… Maybe kadang2 org tu memang sungguh pun berzina, dan kita memang yakin dia berzina…tapi kalau kita hukum dia berzina dengan kaedah yang tidak betul (tak cukup saksi, or tak semua saksi itu tidak fasik) kita dikira berdosa walaupun dia memang sungguh berzina.”

The key is kaedah!

In the case of DSAI di mana saksi pun tak banyak dan yang ada pun motifnya diragui, kita cuma boleh speculate.

I could still remember my pattern of thoughts at that time:

Possibility A - Anwar memang meliwat

Possibility B - kerajaan dibawah so-called Maha-Firaun yang membuat konspirasi.

Even though I hate the subject of statistical probability back in IB school, but it does have its usage.

Analyzing Possibility A

Aku ingat lagi betapa aku suka dengar Anwar berucap. He was so charismatic. Analoginya, kalau politik ni macam medicine, charisma Anwar ni seperti charisma seorang surgeon! Aku rasa dialah pengganti Mahathir yang paling layak, no questions asked! At the same time, dia mempunyai perwatakan yang alim…ada ABIM background. At the same time, dia seorang yang educated and intellectual.  Perfect package!

Dengan perwatakannya yang alim itu ditambah dengan his charismatic intelligence…probability of him meliwat bagi aku almost unthinkable!

However, kat negara Barat pun, ramai jer orang yang alim ada sex scandal. American televangelist like Jimmy Swaggart tu….punyai ramai pengikut. In Fact Jimmy Swaggart sendiri pernah mendedahkan scandal sex Reverend Jim Bakker and Reverand Marvin Gormon. Tiba2 tahun 1988, Jimmy Swaggart sendiri ada sex scandal dengan pelacur Jessica Hahn. What I mean is, apperance can be deceiving! All these preachers ini merupakan orang alim di dalam society mereka…tetapi diorang sebenarnya bersembunyi di sebalik perwatakan alim itu.

Ada kes priest yang meliwat juga. Itu lagilah common kita dengar. It makes you wonder “How can someone who is so charismatic, so pious, someone who lives and breathes the religion commits such an unspeakable disgust?”

Analyzing Possibility B

Susah juga aku nak credit the conspiracy theory.

Bagi aku lah kan…kalau aku ni musuh politik Anwar, cara yang paling cepat untuk jatuhkan dia ialah dengan tuduh dia berzina, full stop. Bukan tuduh dia meliwat. Ini kerana sejarah menunjukkan berapa ramai orang jatuh hanya kerana pernah ada sex scandal. Cara itu lagi cepat and lagi mudah orang percaya and no fuss!

Society kita sangat tidak boleh menerima hubungan seks luar tabi’i. To pin that accusation to someone so notable for his religiousness would be stupid! Kalau aku ni jahat sangat dan dengki pun…aku akan buat tuduhan yang orang senang terima dan percaya. I have already given examples about the sex scandals of televangelist (Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker etc) and notably, Bill Clinton, and also Soi Lek tu. Tak payah susah2 nak reka cerita bombastic!

And ada orang fikir Mahathir yang dalang konspirasi.

Aku mengaku aku admire Dr. Mahathir. So, maybe pendapat aku ni bias. Tapi instead of bagi pendapat, let’s look at the facts here!

The fact is, Mahathir wanted Anwar to be his successor. Dier yang bawa masuk Anwar ke dalam UMNO dan BN. Dier yang latih Anwar and letak Anwar dalam kementerian2 yang essentials. You know how you can only be a Prime Minister bila dah pernah pegang certain portfolios (education, finance, defence). Anwar itu ditatang bagai minyak yang penuh.

Bagi aku, decision nak pecat Anwar oleh Dr. Mahathir merupakan decision yang Dr. Mahathir sendiri rasa berat nak buat. Namun, disebabkan sikap Anwar yang suka menentang polisi Dr. Mahathir dan bersikap tidak hormat kepada sesetengah pendirian Dr. Mahathir, keputusan yang berat itu terpaksa diambil. There was an undercurrent tension between the two of them.

-Anwar nak terima IMF (he was the finance minister at that time). Tapi Dr. Mahathir tak nak IMF!

-Dia sangat pro-US. Kalau Anwar pergi US, disambut dengan jauh lebih gemilang daripada sambutan terhadap Dr. Mahathir. Tu pasal Al Gore sikit punya mengamuk bila Anwar kena pecat.

-As a finance minister, Anwar was againts tambatan ringgit.

And entah banyak lagi isu yang aku dah tak ingat sangat. It was ten years ago, man! Tapi basically, sikap ‘melawan bos’ Anwar tu menjadi pemangkin untuk dia dipecat. Maybe kes liwat tu spice up lagi the situation at that time. What a convenient time for the liwat case to be appearing, some would cynically snort.

Bak kata my Australian GP yang berminat dengan politik Malaysia (dan anti Mahathir), “It doesn’t matter if Mahathir wants to sack Anwar. It was the way he was sacked that people object to.”

Actually, memang hak Mahathir pun untuk pecat sesiapa sahaja. Tak perlu pun dia nak buat konspirasi untuk meng’halal’kan pemecatan Anwar. Macam lah Mahathir tak pernah buat pelbagai kontroversi sebelum tu. Dia dah banyak buat kontroversi, bukan setakat dalam negeri malah internationally (the ‘Buy British Last’ policy, the cold war with Paul Keating, just to name a few).  Malah, sebenarnya lagi mudah untuk Mahathir just pecat Anwar without any scandal issues muddling the whole process.

In short, it takes a great stretch of imagination for me to believe that Mahathir deliberately conjured up that conspiracy against Anwar.

Itu pendapat aku yang naif lah. I don’t claim to be very well-versed about politic. I am, at heart, someone who is more interested in myself (myself encompasses everything that makes up my personality; meaning my religion, my family, my country, my race) medicine, novels and good food. In that order! Politik setakat interest yang sipi2 sahaja, malah tak termasuk dalam list pun.

But the conclusion remained inconclusive. I was stumped; both possibility A and possibility B were too outrageous for me to accept.

Kes Liwat DSAI 2008

Funny…almost exactly ten years later, sejarah berulang kembali. Seolah2 menyambut se-dekad isu konspirasi liwat Anwar, tiba2 muncul lagi isu ini selepas 10 tahun.

Susah nak percaya!

Tapi susah juga nak percaya yang tuduhan yang sama sengaja diulang kembali. Kenapa ada orang nak pakai idea lapuk ini lagi untuk jatuhkan Anwar? 

The difference between this one and the previous ten years ago is, this time Anwar has already got a history! So, maybe kali ini orang lagi senang nak percaya tuduhan liwat ini.

Therefore paradoxixally, teori konspirasi tu become more believable this time.

Pening,kan nak judge politik Malaysia ni! Aku pun pening!

I am waiting for the progress of this case. Just when I thought to give up reading the mainstream newspapers (and just baca blog Tun M), tiba2 isu ni muncul. Huhuhu.

Maka kembalilah aku membaca Utusan online….

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Filed under: Med student gets political

The children of heaven….

Posted on June 24th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

Note: A true story in a narrative style.

Prologue:

By the time Afiza arrived from the GP to the Gosford bus station, it was already 6.15. The almost-one-hour bus ride nearly killed her with boredom. But now she was adrenaline-charged. She had  only 20 minutes to run up the stairs, go pass the train station to exit on the other side, ran up the hill and climb up the steep road to get to her room in the nursing quarters. The Isya’ prayer would be at 6.35. And she had not performed her Maghrib prayer yet. For the hundredth time, she wondered why couldn’t the uni have assigned her to a nearer GP? The long bus-ride interfered with her prayer schedule.

Taking a deep breath, she ran and ran like a mad woman all the way to the nursing quarters. Everytime her feet hit the ground, she winced and stifled the urge to groan.

Her cheap shoes were not made to withstand such rough treatment.

And the story continues:

Afiza looked at Daniella’s maroon high-heel shoes with admiration. She has always loved looking at high-heel shoes but she would never wear them in a hospital setting, knowing how long, and how much you were required to be on your feet, always on the go, constantly scurrying after fast-paced doctors and surgeons. Yes, high-heel shoes looked nice but at the end of the day, Afiza felt absolutely certain, her feet would not survive the angry, red blisters.

And Sheila, Afiza had noticed, had changed 5 pairs of shoes in the past 5 days. Afiza was amazed because she only had two pairs, both were black (so that it would match all her clothes). One pair was sporty-looking so that she could wear it with pants, the other one was a flat ballet shoes to be worn with her skirts (she thought that wearing sporty looking shoes with a skirt or baju kurung was absolutely hideous). And both shoes came straight from Big W, the price ranging from 20 to 30 dollars only.

She took after her mother’s philosophy, “Ala, buat apa kasut mahal2. Nak letak kat tanah ja, bukan orang nak tengok sangat pun.” Therefore, Afiza always paid more attention to clothes and hijab rather than shoes.

But ever since she started on her regional rotation, her cheap black shoes no longer satisfied her womanly taste. There were two reasons for that: for one thing, she could not help but notice how pretty other girls’ shoes were. For another, she found that her cheap shoes did not give enough paddings or support to her feet which had to undergo daily torture as they ran and climbed the stairs looking for doctors and patients in the wards.

Once upon a time, her cheap black shoes were enough because she did not have to be on her feet all the time. Now, the black shoes were no longer adequate, both artistically and practically (you would notice she put ‘artistic’ first).

She sighed. There was no other solution. She must find a new pair of shoes, possibly two, to ease her discomfort after a long day of standing and running.

One weekend, armed with her pink wallet, she went to Erina Fair with Miss B. She was determined to find a nice, comfortable shoes with a reasonable price.

But her notion of what constitute a reasonable price differed from Miss B’s notion. To Afiza, 50 dollars was already expensive. In Malaysia, she would think twice before spending 50 Ringgit for anything. Let alone 50 dollars!

But a lecture from Miss B changed her views, “But it’s a wise investment. An expensive pair of shoes could be worn for years and it’s much, much more comfortable. We are paying for the quality. I am not brand-conscious, myself but personally, I would rather spend money on things like shoes, bags and watches…I would buy branded ones for those things so that it would last far, far longer. At the end, your investment pays off. I don’t really buy branded clothes, though. Because all clothes basically have the same quality and you are largely paying for the brand name rather than the quality.” Miss B explained, wisely.

That just got Afiza thinking.

Afiza, as a personal rule, did not buy branded-anything. She just did not buy branded stuff. When she shopped, she shopped for things that looked nice but cheap. Growing up in her mother’s household, she had always been told, “Dok blajar lagi, budak2 lagi, nak buat apa barang2 mahal2. Nanti dah kerja esok2 nanti, dah ada duit sendiri, hah beli lah apa nak beli.”

When she finally decided to buy the Corelli biege sneakers (80 dollars, for God’s sake!) at Williams Shoes, she felt like she had sacrificed a life-time of principles. As she handed the money to the cashier, her hands trembled and shook, not unlike a minor earthquake. She would not be surprised if she was mistaken to be suffering from Parkinson’s disease.

The feeling of happiness:

After 5 days, Afiza was still excited about her new shoes. She wore the sneakers everyday now, marvelling at how much more comfortable her feet were. She no longer minded having to stand up all day long. Now, she climbed up the stairs with light, happy feet. Her legs felt graceful and lithe and supple.

Whenever she walked, what echoed in her mind was: Ah, the power of expensive shoes. Never have I dreamed my feet could feel like this. How I walk with confidence now! No longer afraid to hit my feet on the ground. No longer having to brace myself for the pinching feeling. Oh, I would never buy my shoes at Big W again!

Now evertime Afiza walked, she actually smiled. She loved her new sneakers. Of course, it was not as pretty as Daniella’s high heel, but hey, you can’t compare sneakers with high-heels. That would be like comparing apples and orranges. As far as Afiza was concerned, her sneakers was a great combination between comfort and good looks. She was most satisfied.

In short, she was in raptures. She absolutely adored her sneakers.

Until one day…

And the conflict appears as the story commences:

It was eight in the morning. Afiza bent down her body to fasten the sneakers on her feet. And that was when she noticed the offending three dots!

Pig’s leather!

She wanted to cry and wail at the injustice of it all! How could she not notice it before? She felt like cursing!

Apparently, as the sneakers became worn-out, the ‘pigness’ of the leather became more obvious than before. Afiza had no choice but to admit that her 80 dollars investment had become a sham of an investment!

For a few days afterward, she went back to wearing her cheap black, synthetic shoes. No more self-satisfied smiles on her lips. In fact, her forehead seemed to be in the state of permanent frown. Her nose cringed in absolute distaste.

Whenever she placed her feet on the ground, the pinchy, tight feeling on her feet reminded her of the Iranian film - The Children of Heaven.The film was all about  shoes and how the brother and sister in that film had to share the uncomfortable sneakers. In Afiza’s mind, she could sympathize greatly with their plight. Once, she had wondered at the brilliance of the scriptwriter; his ability to construct a good, touching story wholly based on conflict about shoes only.

Now, she knew that constructing a sob story about shoes was not that hard. Indeed, now that she has experienced a taste of expensive, good shoes, she could make a whole mini-novel talking about uncomfortable shoes only.

Resolving the conflict:  

It was Friday.

It was her GP day.

It was the day when she would come back from her GP session at 6.15.

It was the day when she would have to run and run and run so that she would be able to get back in her room at least 5 minutes before 6.35 to perform her Maghrib prayer.

She could no longer stand the pathetic feeling. With a steely determination, she grabbed her wallet, went to the nearest shopping complex called The Imperial, and began her second hunt for expensive comfortable shoes.

Of course, she had to go to the ATM machine first. 

And again, her Parkinsonian tremor appeared as she looked at her bank balance. But with an admirable willpower, she made herself stop shaking. She repeated these words in her mind: It’s a wise investment, it’s a wise investment, it’s a wise investment.

She entered the shop, nervously. The shop looked as though the cheapest shoes it had would be around 100 dollars.

Afiza began to have second thoughts. But again, she shut her mind against the reminder of a lifetime in the form of her mother’s words; buat apa kasut mahal2, nak letak kat tanah jugak. She shut her ears against her conscience. She threw caution to the wind, and continued to peruse the array of shoes displayed.

When the salesgirl came to approach her with “Can I help you?”, Afiza smiled sweetly and said: “Yes, I am looking for nice, comfortable shoes to wear to work. Something that looks nice for work but also provide the comfort of a sport shoes. And because I am a Muslim, I do not want anything with pig’s leather on it.”

Usually Afiza did not bother adding the bit about ‘pig’s leather’ to any salesgirls. She would just decide for herself what looked ‘piggish’ and what did not. But after having bought an expensive pig-leather shoes, she was determined to not leave anything to chances. Might as well just be clear and forthright to the salesgirl so that she would not make the same mistakes again. And waste more of her money!

It was very hard for the salesgirl to help Afiza in choosing her shoes. After all, a lot of nice and comfortable shoes had leather linings that were piggish in nature. But after almost 15 minutes of looking around, finally she found THE ONE. It was a pair of sneakers; it was blue; it was leather plus suede. It looked absolutely stunning. And when Afiza tried it on, it was ten times as comfortable as the previous shoes.

She MUST have it!

She looked at the price, and she nearly fainted. It was more than double the previous shoes.

Again, she suffered a Parkinsonian tremor.

Should she buy it?

Epilogue:

It was 6.15 when Afiza got down from the bus. The almost-one-hour bus ride nearly killed her with boredom. But now she was adrenaline-charged. She had  only 20 minutes to run up the stairs, go past the train station to exit on the other side, ran up the hill and climb up the steep road to get to her room in the nursing quarters.

Taking a deep breath, she ran and ran like a mad woman all the way to the nursing quarters. Everytime her feet hit the ground, she smiled. And as she kept on running up the hill, her smile broadened into a wide, satisfied grin. Before long, her laughter rang out.

It was a laughter of pure contentment.

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Filed under: The life of med student

Sweet, sweet sugar

Posted on June 21st, 2008 by fiffyafiza

“How many sugars would you like for your coffee? One?”

I shook my head. “God, no.Three, please.”

Mila and Maria looked at each other. It would be an understatement if I were to describe their facial expression as surprised. They looked quite shocked, to be honest.

Mila recovered quite swiftly, though. “Oh, you need so many sugars for your energy, don’t you?”

I smiled, wrily. Let’s just say, I was thinking more about the taste buds on my tongue rather than my metabolism when I had chosen three teaspoon of sugars. But as Mila was so ready to supply me with a nice excuse for my over-indulgence in everything sweet, I just nodded my head.

“Usually, I took four. But as you can see, I am cutting down.” I winked.

Mila and Maria snorted. ” Cutting down? You should only take two at most. But, that’s all right. Since you are still young, you can afford to indulge.”

In restrospect, it was the topic of sugar that had broken the ice between us, and before I knew it, we were friends.

 

The receptionist

Mila and Maria are the receptionists at the GP where I had my attachment throughout my regional rotation. Mila is approaching her 60s (but she looked like 50 at most) and Maria is nearly 50.

Mila hailed from Filippina and Maria from New Zealand. And I am from Malaysia, of course. Since all of us were exotic, unique foreigners (don’t throw up),we exchanged many stories and cultural values. As I always brought my own lunch, I would hang out with them at the kitchen during lunch time.

“Oh, you are the first student who brings her own lunch. Other students go out for lunch. It was a shame. We never get to sit like this and get to know them.”

We talked about how we came to adjust to life in Australia. There were heaps to talk about. By the end of our first shared lunchtime, I knew the name of all Mila’s daughters. 

The second time I met Maria, she told me that her sister is a Muslim by marriage. Surprise, surprise. “We are careful not to have pork when she comes to visit. I am sorry but today I am having bacon for my lunch. I hope you don’t mind.”

I laughed her worries away.

“Of course not. Just because I can’t eat pork doesn’t mean everyone else can’t. That would be very un-democratic of me. Please, do not trouble yourself on my account.” I said, biting on my fish-finger sandwich.

Sometimes, Patricia (another receptionist) would join us at lunch. She loved my blue hijab and she got absolutely excited looking at my white, embroidered hijab. She thought my long skirt was positively elegant. She said, I have splendid taste in clothing. Huhuhu. If only I could blush prettily when people give me compliments, I would be spared from stammering my thank-yous. As it was, I just shrugged my shoulder and talked about how all my clothing are ‘imported’ from Malaysia. Huhuhu.

After lunch, I wanted to perform my Zuhur prayer. I anxiously asked Mila whether or not there was any suitable place for me to pray. I was prepared to pray in the kitchen, I did not expect them to give me a room.

“Just go to Dr. Miller’s room. He isn’t working today. You can close the door. And we would not disturb you.”

To be honest, I don’t feel too good about performing my prayer in someone’s room whose permission I have not sought.

Feeling anxious, I said, “Would Dr. Miller’s  mind, though? I can pray in the kitchen. It is not a requirement for me to pray in a room. Yes, it’s ideal to have some privacy. But it is not, really, it’s not a requirement at all. I had even prayed under a tree on a park, once.”

But Mila absolutely insisted that I prayed in Dr. Miller’s room. She said, she would want me to have every privacy possible. She knew that prayers are important to Muslims and she would do everything she could to help me perform it. Frankly, I was touched.

Within the seven weeks, Mila, Maria, Patricia and Carol (the practice nurse) has become my good friends. Every week, I was looking forward to go to my GP placement just for the pleasure of talking to them. Even though my afternoon GP session only started at 2, I always arrive an hour earlier and would have lunch with them. Mila, especially, would supply me with sweet biscuits and carrot cakes and Lindt chocolates.

“I know you like sweet things. So, I am saving you this carrot cake. And after you have finished with the cake, I have a box of chocolates that I could open for you.” Mila’s smile was radiant as she saw me beaming with pleasure at her thoughtfulness. Sometimes, I felt like a spoiled child, being indulged by a loving grandmother.

Mila sometimes liked to scold me for being so forgetful of my stuff, especially my watch. Since I had to take my ablution for prayer, I always took off my watch and left it on the kitchen table and then promptly forgot all about it. Sometimes I forgot to take my bottled water and Mila had to remind me to take it before I went out to wait for the bus home.

One time, I had a bad day at the hospital…because Martin Veysey was being so sarcastic with me. But the disagreeable feelings were all gone as soon as I stepped into the GP building, greeted by Anzac biscuits and chocolate and sweet coffee. The feeling was a bit like this; you did not cry when you were scolded by your parents but as soon as your parents came to console you, you burst into tears. I always wondered at the phenomena. Basically, that was how I felt. I did not feel like crying when Martin Veysey directed his cynical jokes at me earlier in the day, but I felt like crying when I arrived at my GP to be greeted by their warm welcome of me.

Holding back tears, I gave an honest-to-God exclamation, “It feels sooooo good to be here, Mila. Sooo good.”

The GP

I am, I admit, quite guilty of prejudice.

When I first knew that I got an asian for a GP, my mind was in absolute chaos (huhu, am I not a drama queen?). My one time bad experience with an asian GP when I was in first year made me loathe asian GP. To say that I quaked with fear would, of course, be an exaggeration. However, I could not say I was thrilled either.

But Dr. Simon Chang was an angel! He always took the time to teach me many stuff. He was at pains to ensure that I would not feel neglected as he was talking to his patients. He let me do intramuscular injections, he made sure I would be able to get as many clinical experiece as possible; PAP smear, breast lump examination, acupuncture treatment.

But promptly, at four, no matter how enchanting listening to his advice and jokes with patients was, I would ask to be excused for my Asar prayer. He was at first puzzled, since he knew I already performed my prayer after lunch. So, I told him that Muslims have several prayers to perform.

Since then, it was he who would remind me about my prayer. “It’s four already. Would you like to do your prayer now?” There was no more any need for me to ask to be excused.

All in all, it would be greatly remiss of me if I do not put into record how kind they have been to me. I had a great time there. It was something to look forward to after a hectic schedule in the hospital. They formed part of my regional rotation experience, and a great experience it had been too. Quite frankly, now that I am back in NC, I miss them terribly.

Last Friday was the last day of my GP session. At the risk of missing my bus, I whispered into Mila’s ears that I would love a photo of them if they could take the time away from the reception to take a picture with me in the kitchen, the place where we form our friendship.

Patricia instantly exclaimed, “But you have to wait. I have to to put some make-up on. I need to brush my hair, first.”

Patricia, though grandmotherly, is image-conscious.

We took pictures againts the wall of the small, cosy kitchen. We were hugging and holding hands for what I thought would be one last time.

As I was ready to go out of the building, Mila jokingly said, “I hope you have not forgotten anything today.”

“No, of course not.”

But as I was running to wait for the bus (because I had been later than usual for taking the time to take photo), Mila had to scream for me to stop. I looked back across my shoulder and I saw Mila running down the stairs, frantically, “Afiza, you forgot your ID tag. You can’t get into the hospital without this.”

I smiled, ruefully. “So sorry, Mila. I don’t know why I am always leaving my stuff in the GP.”

Mila shook her head at me. And then she hugged me. One last time.

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Filed under: The life of med student

The teaching profession and the issue of respect

Posted on June 17th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

My friend used to say something along this line, “Pekerjaan sebagai guru ni sangat mulia. So, cikgu tu kena behave dengan mulia juga, befitting the profession.”

I could not agree more to her sentiment. Aku pun rasa benda yang sama: kalau seseorang tu dinamakan ‘guru’, dia mesti ada attitude yang, at least, above average.

I could not remember who said this, tapi mcm ni lah lebih kurang ayatnya: “In order to judge someone’s integrity, look at how he treats his inferiors and those who depend on him.”

As a teacher, the person would have held a position of power over her/his students. So, guru tu ada ‘authority’ over the students, and has the potential to abuse her/his authority. Jadi, nak tengok samada guru ni seorang yang baik or not, tengok macam mana dia handle dia punya authority. Macam mana dia treat students. The fact is, regardles of how he treats the students, baik or buruk, the students would not be able to benefit him in any way. So knowing that, yet still able to maintain good manners towards the students, would speak volume of his good character.

Cam tu juga nak judge a man. Nak tengok lelaki ni baik ke tak, tengok mcm mana dia treat his wife and children. Sebab lelaki tu memang ada authority over his family. If he treats them like garbage, he is a bad person.

Simple kan? Nak tengok org tu baik ke tak, tengok macam mana dia treat orang yang takkan bagi apa2 benefit terhadap diri dia.

Respect

“Kita kena hormat cikgu.”

I agree with that sentiment completely. But I just think that the sentence is too simplistic.

Aku cuma hormat cikgu yang tahu hormat anak murid. 

Kenapa pula cikgu nak kena hormat anak murid? Well, the fact is, whatever authoritorial position we have, there are some things you just don’t do to human beings. Even kalau orang tu adalah seorang hamba sekali pun, kita still kena respect the fact that ‘hamba’ tu still human. I guess, what I mean is, teacher or not, king or not, surgeon or not, respectlah  ‘maruah’ orang. Jaga air muka orang.

That to me, is basic human expectation. Anyone yang abuse my sense of self-respect, aku akan marah and I don’t give a damn who he is.

My regrets

I have done things I regret. I used to get angry over simple things and my only excuse was I was young and immature. The death of my friend a few years ago taught me that life is too short to get angry or to care too much over simple matters and skirmishes. When you are about to face death, you would marvel at how little these things matter. Suddenly, things that used to excite you would cease to be important. 

Aku sendiri pernah tak respect ‘maruah’ orang. Aku ingat lagi classmate aku kat KMB. How I was scolding him in front of the class. Kalau aku boleh cari dia balik kat friendster or something, I would have said sorry. Time tu, aku rasa justified apa yang aku buat. I thought he deserved it. Looking back, aku rasa mcm mana dia deserve it pun, aku tak patut buat mcm tu. And frankly speaking, aku rasa kita tak patut ada culture ala-ala roll-call and meluahkan rasa secara public like that. Kononnya, nak buat session meluahkan rasa tak puas hati secara terbuka gitu. Orang yang kena tu would feel like shit.

But anyway, that was in the past. I learned from mistakes.

Teacher and Respect

When I was in MRSM Langkawi, aku ada seorang ustaz yang sangat baik. Dah arwah pun due to a very sudden accident.

And he also happened to be a warden. Still young, sangat handsome. Muka ala2  A.J  kumpulan Backstreet Boys tu.

Biasalah warden…garang tu tak payah ceritalah. Tapi dia sangat professional. Kalau warden perempuan, benda dalam asrama pun boleh bawa sampai ke kelas. Tak pasal2 boys pun tahu isu2 kat asrama perempuan sebab warden tu duk menceceh kat kelas. Malu lah budak tu.

Tapi ustaz ni lain.

Nak dipendekkan cerita, aku dengan room-mates ponteng solat subuh jemaah kat surau. At that time I felt like, what’s the big deal? Bukannya kitorang tak solat…cuma tak berjemaah jer. So, nama kitorang ni masuk list LDP. Pagi tu, kena panggil dengan ustaz lepas perhimpuan pagi. Kena rotan kat tangan dengan batang paip. Not a public caning or anything like that, just kena berhimpun at one private place.

Aku malu jugalah dengan ustaz tu sebab he also happened to be my Islamic Studies teacher. Malulah aku dalam kelas. Sebelum tu dia berleter2 lah juga kat kitorang. So, aku rasa bengang because I felt that he might think aku ni jahat sgt lah kan.

And right after perhimpunan pagi would be his class. Aku horrified sgt. And it so happened yang hari ni dia nak buat hafazan; surah Lukman dengan surah An-Nur. Aku ingat lagi ayat2 yang dia suruh hafal tu.

So, I was determined nak jadi the first person yang pergi hafal kat dia. I wanted to show it to him: maybe aku tak pergi solat berjemaah, tapi aku dah hafal tau semua ayat2 hafazan. I am not that bad, okay?

When he entered the class, I braced myself for the embarrassment. Aku ingat dia akan bring up pasal aku dalam kelas. Aku dah prepare nak rasa malu.

But no. He never said a word about my not going to surau. He was all smiles and he announced “siapa nak buat hafazan.” Aku pun bangun dengan confidentnya. Dia senyum2 and suruh aku start. Dia tak pernah senyum perli ke, or cakap2 benda yang sakitkan hati aku. He was so nice. And also professional. Benda asrama, dia tak bawa masuk dlm kelas.

Yang paling malu tu…tengah duk recite surah Lukman, tiba2 aku terlupa ayat seterusnya. Wakakaka. Tu lah dier, nak show off sgt. Ustaz tu tolong2 lah juga aku nak menghabiskan hafazan tu. Tapi aku arr malu…jadi org first gi hafal, budget hebat jer! Sekali merangkak2 nak habiskan.

Bagi aku, itu contoh cikgu yang baik. Cikgu yang kalau dia marah, purely for the student’s own good. He would not inflict unnecessary mortification or embarrassment. Aku rasa, dia cikgu yang respect maruah anak murid and pandai jaga air muka anak murid. And for that, I respect him so much.

Thalamic learning

My dad thinks that you will learn best under pressure. And in my case, it’s true sebab aku ni memang pemalas. Kalau tak kena jerkah, tak study punya!

And my dad is right, actually. It is called ‘thalamic learning’. Basically, you will learn better when your emotion (your thalamus in the brain) is engaged in the learning process. So, the emotion involved here is ‘fear’. Fear of being ridiculed, fear of being laughed at, fear of being thought stupid and not up to standard.

Tapi aku rasa, any other emotion would do as well. Yes, thalamic learning is effective, but why fear? Kenapa tak nak invoke any other emotions like happiness? Or inspired? Or admiration? Kalau aku admire the teacher, and inspired by the teacher, I think I would learn just as well as I would in comparison to fear.

Kenapa kena jadi sarcastic? Kenapa kena jadi cynical?Why treat students with disrespect?

I could never respect that kind of teacher. Kalau aku kena marah especially if it is due to petty matters, aku memang akan naik suara balik. It was instinctive, almost a reflex; I would protect my self-respect. Tu pasal I cannot control my anger towards the surgeon. I think, it was unnecessary for him to mock me, so I snapped at him.

He abused my self-respect, so I retaliated. It was as simple as that.

When I talked to my mom over the phone, it was with a sense of despair that she said, “iys, nanti dia duk aim angah baru tahu! Sabar lah sikit! Tok sah duk lawan. Duk negara orang memang mcm tu. Kalau balik malaysia, houseman kat sini kena lagi teruk. Kalau angah duk melawan mcm tu, habislah kena aim dengan doktor.”

“So, sampai bila angah nak sabar? Kat negara orang kena sabar. Tapi mak cakap, balik malaysia nanti angah kena sabar lagi dengan perangai specialist kat malaysia. Bagi angah, if we can find a much better way of saying something, why not use it? Kenapa nak sarcastic pula? Kalau angah salah, angah terima. I just object to the way it was said to me. Cara dia tu yang angah tak suka.”

And yes, it was not what he said that had upset me. It was the way he said it. Byk kali jer aku tersilap bagi jawapan, tapi aku tak snap kat semua doktor, kan?

Tribute to teachers

Here, kat Gosford, aku dah jumpa byk doctors yang baik2. And it’s time to give my tribute to them:

1) Martin Veysey

-Okay, dia memang sarcastic. Tapi at least, dier passed them off as jokes. Contohnya, in the case of Afiza’s scale. huhuhu. Dan dia tak naikkan suara kat orang. Besides Balqis cakap, aku yang bersikap bias. So fine, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

-He is not bad actually. Today, last session with him, dia baik pula dengan aku. He said I described the X-ray well. He said that I have passed through everything. No more his cynical smiles. So, aku rasa hari ni, dier baik la plak. And one time, dier ada puji aku punya respiratory examination. Terus aku rasa dia baik. Huhuhu.

2)Amanda Dawson

-Memang super baik. I gave her five stars. Selalu membantu, tak pernah marah, tak pernah malukan student. To me, she is a great teacher. Period.

3) Mark Dean

-He is truly inspirational. Dialah yang paling pandai mengajar. He is so enthusiatic, you could see it by seeing the way he talks, the way he explains stuff. You can feel that he is really sincere in wanting you to understand what he is saying.

-He is not sarcastic. Dier lah contoh doktor yang inspiring. Dialah thalamic learning yang aku nak. And bukan aku saja yang rasa macam ni, semua students  cakap dia memang pandai mengajar. This shows that learning by fear and intimidation is no more advantageous than learning by any other emotions. In fact, it would be counter-productive in some students.

Conclusion:

Teaching is a noble, respected profession. And therefore teachers who represent that profession must have noble characteristics as well.

One day, kalau ada rezeki, I would love to teach. And I hope I would remember never to abuse my authority just becasue I could. I hope to be a great teacher, and  an inspirational one.

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Filed under: The life of med student

Short cases done and now anxiety to wait for my result.

Posted on June 16th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

Alhamdulillah, I have done my short cases exam just one hour ago. Since I am now quarantined from the other candidates, aku stuck lah kat library sampai semua org dah abih exam.

Confident?

Hahahha. Well, let’s just say nothing went terribly wrong. I could answer all questions. Tak der satu pun yg aku terpaksa ckp “I dun know’, tapi ada jugalah yg aku amalkan teknik crapping. Huhuhu. And I din forget anything. And the examiners were all smiling and nice to me time aku nak kuar bilik….tapi they could be giving me a sympathetic smile ke….who knows kan. Like I usually said, aku tak berani nak confident lebih. Now is the time untuk bertawakkal jer and hope for the best. Whatever comes out of this, it has been presrcibed. Aku dah usaha…tak dapat juga memang takdir lah tu. I am now content.

Seven weeks of being here taught me that if you look weak, you will be trampled upon. Sure, everybody says things like “don’t judge a book by its cover” bla bla bla…but people do it all the time. Kalau ko tak judge org, org akan judge ko. So, yes, you can be nice and not judge. But that does not guarantee everyone else would follow ur principle. So, while you are being nice and not judging others, you also have to make sure that if anyone ever want to judge you, you will look good (and I dun mean physically). Dun ever have this principle of “I am not going to improve how I present myself because no one should judge me.” Welcome into the real world!

“I think the patient’s trachea is deviated.”

“You think so? Why?” Cara doktor ni tanya soalan mcm lah aku punya finding silap. BUt you know what…he sensed a hint of uncertainty in my sentence. Tu pasal dia soal lagi. “Could it be deviated?” the doctor pressed on.

So, putting on a confident face, I looked him in the eye and said, “It could.The patient has an onxygen tube on, yet he is still under respiratory distress. And he’s got drainage on his right lung. So yes, his trachea could be deviated.”

“Ok then, continue with your examination.”

Sebenarnya aku bukannya tak nak nampak confident, aku cuma tak nak nampak arrogant. You could be dead certain about something, but it could turn out wrong. So,that’s y I dun want to commit to a definite answer…supaya kalau aku salah, aku ada peluang untuk cakap. “Oh, saya cakap it ‘could’ be deviated. Saya tak cakap saya betul2 sure tadi. So, walaupun jawapan saya salah, it wasn’t that bad because I did not say I was certain, did I?”

Hahahha. But that would be cheating, isn’t it? The game is, you examine ur patient, and this is what you find, so report what you find, commit to an answer. Kalau silap, silaplah. Nak buat mcm mana. So, the advantage of committing to an answer is, you would practice harder so that you can report your findings with confidence. And the truth is, kita cuma akan confident dengan kita punya findings selepas kita dah pernah jumpa kes yg sama berkali2. So, there’s no cheating here. Kalau tak cari patient and tak practice, you will never be confident.

Aku pernah ter-naik suara kat surgeon. Aku bengang sebab dia asyik duk tekan2 aku. Aku punya answer at that time, “The patient could have bowel obstruction.” Tapi, doktor tu rasa jawapan dier maybe pancreatitis. Tapi hey, I reported what I found kan…

“Are you sure? Tell me, could it or could it not be bowel obstruction?” Cara dier tanya soalan tu aku rasa sangat bengang. Sebelum tu dier ader gak berleter something about why I dun say pancreatitis when the patient has said something could be wrong with his pancreas. Masalahnya this is short case. I was reporting base on examination findings and not history taking. Suka hati akulah, diagnosis aku. Aku rasa mcm dier nak mencabar aku samada nak tukar ikut jawapan dier or something. Aku rasa geramlah…apsal nak marah2 aku plak ni.  Even specialist pun boleh silap bagi diagnosis, kenapa kalau aku yg medical student ni tersilap kasi diagnosis nak marah2 plak? melampau lah tu!

So, aku pun tak pikir apa dah, suara aku pun sama naik gak, “Well, it could be one of differential diagnosis.” Aku bertegas, tak nak tukar jawapan.
The surgeon hesiatated and then shrugged his shoulder as he said, “ok, fair enough.”

Fuh lega aku!

Aku sebenarnya tak sangka aku boleh ter-naik suara kt surgeon. I have always had a temper, tapi slalunya kat siblings jer lah yg aku nak vent my anger pun. Tapi that day, aku rasa cam wah..what is happening with me. Nasib baik, doktor tu agree that bowel obstruction could be the answer.

Basically what I want to say is, “If that is what u find, report it, and be prepared to defend it.” Bayangkan kalau aku pergi ubah answer aku waktu tu, mesti aku kena lagi teruk. And the thing is mat salleh ni bukan reti sgt nak beza antara modesty dengan weakness, or antara confidence and arrogance. I guess, you just have to be assertive. Tegas. Kalau salah, well…tu pasal aku ni medical student and not doctors. Duh!

Kadang2 ada mat salleh bagi jawapan silap tapi ckp dgn confidentnya, doktor tu tak marah pun. Dier akan betulkan, tapi dier takkan drone on and on. And kalau kita bagi jawapan betul pun, tapi namapak cam tak sure, lagi teruk kena drill daripada org yg bagi jawapan silap.

Sampai skrang aku wonder samada surgeon tu tahu aku marah kat dier. Aku tahu suara aku went up a notch. Tapi rasa, taklah obvious sgt. But when I walked out of the room, my friend ada cakap, “Tadi Afiza marah surgeoun tu ek?”

Huhuhu. Harap2 nya dia saja yg perasan. Tu pun maybe because she knows me well so she would be able to detect my anger. Aku tak tahu samada all my other tutemates knew or not.

But I think, when I am angry selalunya obvious. My siblings used to say, “Mata hang ni mencerlang bila marah.” I dun even know what mencerlang means. Huhuhu.

Tak per arr, it’s done. Aku dah termarah pun. Tak leh nak tarik balik.

But yes, the take-home message is. “Defend ur answer, even if you have to snap at a surgeon.” It was worth it.

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Filed under: The life of med student

The art of crapping…

Posted on June 3rd, 2008 by fiffyafiza

Today, I had a great day. I have done physical examination for all type of patients; respiratory, cardio, abdo, neuro and vascular. I found splendid signs; hyperresonance, tactile fremitus, obvious heart murmurs, and gosh….if u think clubbing of the fingernails is rare…you would revisist and revise your thoughts if you do your practical in Gosford. I have seen almost ten clubbed fingers.

And Alhamdulillah, today I passed my mock exam for short case. But that doesn’t mean I am going to pass the real exam…you never know what’s going to happen.

Aku selalu takut nak rasa confident. Call me superstitious…but everytime aku rasa confident, selalu the day did not end well. Huhuhu. So, aku sentiasa rasa mcm I should lower my expecation of myself…then, I would not be disappointed.

All right tajuk entry kali ini “the art of crapping”…. is about medical students yang pandai cakap tapi they talk crap! I have experienced many of my friends telling me that they found my entry on “mcm mana nak jawab bagi nampak kita konon reti lah juga sikit2″ is beneficial, so I will elaborate on that.

But you need to have a background knowledge of Malaysian newcastle students. All right, our system is PBL. So, we only have one full day of lectures. The rest of the week, kitorang study sendiri. Sometimes, ada hospital attachment. And kitorang punya tutorial consist of 8 people discussing a case, coming up with diagnosis and management. So, tutorial is basically a discussion. Tutor cuma guide and tanya soalan. Tapi yg conduct the tutorial adalah students.

Basically, org OZ selalu rasa budak mesia ni mandom…dlm tutorial tak pernah nak offer jawab soalan…nak kena jemput2 plak, nak kena prompt barulah budak mesia nak buka mulut. Mcm ada tongkol emas dlm tekak tu. We have been so stigmatized, I felt like screaming against the injustice and the discrimination. So, kadang2 dlm tute, aku try juga nak ckp and nak contribute. I want them to know that Muslim students are not silent because they don’t know a damn thing….most of the time, kitorang senyap sebab kitorang nak susun ayat lagi, nak gather the courage nak speak up lagi (sebab budak OZ sgt dominant. Diorang boleh jer senang2 potong ckp orang and they are so confident even tho they are talking absolute bullshit)…furthermore, soalan2 yg senang semua budak Aussie dah berebut jawab (they dun have to think about grammar! senang lah nak berebut)….so, tinggal soalan2 yg susah jer. Kalau dah soalan yg susah jer yg tinggal untuk dijawab, mestilah budak mesia pun tak reti gak. Bila ada soalan susah, they will look at us expectantly. Their look says quite clearly, “Well, I have contributed in the disccussion earlier, now, it’s ur turn.” Aku rasa bengang kadang2. Oh, bila ada soalan yg susah, baru nak bagi kami jawab. Time soalan senang, hangpa tak pernah plak nak tengok kat kitorang and nak bersabar tunggu kitorang jawab. Instead, they rush through like a bullet train,trampling on everyone’s feelings.

God knows, we try. Kadang2 aku berebut jer….dah malas nak layan grammar. Tunggang terbalik ke tak, ah lantak. Lagipun international students from china and korea tu lagi dahsyat grammar diorang! So aku rasa cam budak mesia nyer engliah not bad per! Tapi mcm mana byk pun aku ckp, still taklah sebanyak budak Aussie sendiri.

So, alas,the stigma is still there.

Bagi akulah kan….lebih baik aku tak payah jawab kalau aku cuma contribute crap. Apa, nak jawab sebab nak buka mulut jer? Unless kalau aku dah desperate sgt, baru aku pun talk crap.

Below is the example of craps I am talking about.

1)Nerve supply.
Tutor tanya kat group kitorang. “Triceps and Biceps are supplied by which nerve?”. Hmm…my mind wandered around time tu. I know that the arm is supplied by C5 to T2 nerve roots. Tapi aku tak pernah plak bother nak ingat specific nama nerve. So, aku pun diamlah. Tak jawab pun.

Pastu ada lah mamat Aussie ni buka mulut. Dalam hati, aku rasa kagum arr…ada org yg hafal benda ni?

“Well, the arm is supplied by nerve root C5 to T2. So biceps and triceps must be supplied by those nerve originating froms those nerve roots.”

What??? Aku rasa bengang. Tutor tu tanya which nerve? Musculocutaneous nerve ke? Axillary nerve ke? Radial ke?  The tutor wants the name of the nerve. Not the nerve roots. Kalau nak jawab camtu, aku pun leh jawab.

Yang aku lagi bengang, tutor cakap, “Good, good. Can you think of any nerve?”

Aku rasa sakit hati. Good? What do you mean good? Have you forgotten your own question? You were asking for the name of the nerve, remember?

Aku kah yg busuk hati? Kenapa aku nak kisah mamat Aussie ni dipuji walaupun jawapan dia sgt vague. Biarlah…nasib dia baik.

The thing is….aku takkan jeles, takkan marah, dan takkan busuk hati kalau budak mesia tak pernah di-stigmatized kan kerana tak ckp byk dlm tut. Cuba Kalau they dun make a big deal out of us not talking….mesti aku tak kisah kalau tutor nak puji budak OZ melambung2 sampai ke langit ke tujuh pun..what do I care! Masalahnya skrang, they dun answer the question pun, but they got praises. Tapi the malaysians were point the finger of blame for not contributing.

But I am a gemini…so, I see two sides of things. At least, budak Aussie ni ada directed thinking. Dier dah narrow down that out of all nerves possible in the body, it must be the nerve originating from c5 to T2. To the tutor, the OZ student is showing that he is at least on the right track. And at least, dia contribute dan buka mulut. Aku plak….I did nothing, say nothing. Senyap mcm batu. Who am I to criticize?

Lesson learned: When you don’t know, be vague. Say the general stuff. Bukalah mulut. Contributelah dlm discussion.


2) Anatomical position

I was doing emergency tutorial the other day. The tutor was asking, “Ok, why do we sit the patient up when the patient presents with shortness of breath.”

Waktu tu dah nak dekat mlm. Otak aku dah penat nak pikir. Bagi aku, it must be because of the anatomical position; maybe you will be able to use your accessory muscle better if you sit up. Or whatever lah…aku pun tak tahu jawapan dia.

And guess what student Aussie ni jawab. “Oh well, it’s becasue the anatomical position, isn’t it?”

Aku dalam dilema waktu tu. Should I scream or should I laugh? Should I be annoyed or should I be amused?  Which anatomy, darling? And what’s the physiology? Care to elaborate more? Nak jer aku aku perli secukup rasa… tapi aku senyap jer.

3) Cardiomegaly.
Time tu kitorang baru jer belajar cardio system. Semua org tak tahu apa sangat.

The tutor was asking us, “So, what happened in cardiomegaly?”

Aku tak tahu apa pathophysiology dier. Baru nak belajar pasal cardiomegaly minggu tu. Tapi drpd perkataan ‘cardiomegaly’ itself (cardio means heart, and mega means big) kita tahu lah apa yg jadi kat heart tu.

“Come on, does anyone know about cardiomegaly at all?” The tutor looked around at all of us.

One Aussie student cleared his throat and answered confidently “Isn’t it when the heart is enlarged?”

“Exactly. Good, good.”

Aku dah malas nak layan rasa bengang. How does that answer shed any new light or provide any new knowledge to the rest of us? The student was only showing that he was good at translation! That’s all! Apa yg good nya? Haih….geram nyaaaaa!

4)Medications
The tutor asked; “What do you give to patients with arrhythmia.”
Biasalah, aku and budak2 mesia sentiasa nak bagi jawapan yg tepat. Kitorang ingat tutor minta specific nama drugs. Time tu baru nak belajar, mana nak tahu lagi apa drugs nya.
Sekali ada budak ni jawab, “You give anti-arrhythmics, right.”

Contoh2 lain termasuklah drugs for DVT (you give warfarin and heparin). Budak2 ni jawab anti-coagulants jer, or anti-platelet.

Conclusion:
Maybe what happened was….Malaysians are perfectionist. And we think in too much details. The best way of thinking is….think general and broad, lepas tu baru narrow down. Just make sure that you are in the right track first. Ada byk jenis ubat dlm dunia ni, so untuk setiap penyakit, we have to know category ubat dulu…be in the right track first, and then baru cari nama ubat specifically.

Tapi aku rasa, bukan masalah kitorang perfectionist jer. Masalahnya ialah, soalan tu tanya lain. Soalan tu tanya specific….so, kami pun nak bagi jawapan yg specific lah. Tak sangka plak rupa2nya tutor tak kisah jawapan yg tak menjawab soalan.

Hmmph!

Tapi aku ni pun mengata dulang paku serpih. Sebab aku dah observe fenomena2 ni terjadi…aku pun kadang2 bagi jawapan yg sama vague. Hahahaha. Aku pun dah play the game now. (it took me 2 years and a half untuk discover how to play the game) You could be stupid, but you don’t have to let everyone know about it. Pandai2 lah cover line. huhuhuh. Cuma, sebab aku sgt benci jawapan2 cam ni, aku cuma bagi jawapan yg vague bila aku dah tak der pilihan. Contohnya, kalau dah memang soalan tu ditanya specific kat aku and not to everyone else….aku pun jawab lah secara vague kalau aku tak tahu the specific answer. At least aku menjawab juga, at least aku try and tak lah senyap jer. Tapi kalau tu question open to everybody, aku takkan volunteer jawab soalan yg aku tak tahu, unless kalau hari tu aku ter-extra senyap. So, nak nampak cam aku ckp juga for that day, aku pun talk crap jugalah kan…kira darurat lah ni. Huhuhu.

To pen off, let me give another crappy question-answer scenario that I had witnessed:

Tutor: What is hepatitis?
Student: Well, the liver is inflamed.
Tutor: Oh, so you could translate. You must have an excellent dictionary at home. Well done! (sarcastic tone)
Student: (tersipu2 and blushing)

Hhahhaha. Sure, you can try your luck and give craps at times. But there will be times when you happen to cross path with a tutor who is well-versed with students’ art of crapping. Then, all you can do is tahan malu jer lah.

P/S: Crap only when u are desperate. Remember, confidence comes in knowing that you are right. So really, all you have to do is work hard, which is easier said than done. But to me, it’s better if you just humbly admit that “this is the limit of my knowledge”. Or at least say something like “I don’t know but I will look that up tonight.” At least, you are showing your initiative, and your supervisor will appreciate your effort if you go to him the next morning and tell him what you have found out. In this case, show off yg ko ni rajin. Hahahah.

In two weeks time, I will have an exam. Pray for me! My first short-case style examination.

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Filed under: The life of med student

The type of medical students there are….

Posted on May 19th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

     Huhuhu. A very prominent novelist been saying that I should change to blogspot/blogdrive. Wow…I am not that professional a blogger. I am just a humble, lowly medical student, obscure, uninteresting, unfamous. Unlike her, I do not have fans who would comment on how nice the layout of my blog is (heheheh…tho u just wait until I become a part time writer, Kak Long. Then all ur fans will ‘lari’ to me. huhuhuu). These are just a record of my random thoughts thruout my journey as a medical student. Besides, I like things in one place…I have got enough places I have to log in regularly; yahoo mail, student mail, netbank, uni blackboard, friendster…etc etc. I can’t add another one since all these really takes time..and remember, I am a struggling medical student. Time is life!

   All right, the thing with becoming a third year is you get to feel how would it be like to become a doctor. You get a glimpse of what you would be doing for the rest of your life. So, with the chance of acting like a doctor, some students develop ‘attitudish’ behaviour. Tu belum jadi surgeon…kalau  tak ego melambung macam gunung everest.

   Miss D ni pandai lah juga…and why not…dier dah buat separuh 4th year. So by right, dier tak patut ada ngan kitorang. But yes, she’s damn brilliant. But no one knows everything kan…so you have to ask. The thing is, when she did ask, she did it in such a way that it was defensive. It’s a bit like “Ok, I am not asking this because I am stupid. I do know quite a lot, actually.”

    I hear her asked something about ‘a lump on the anus’ to Miss T. So while Miss T was explaining it to Miss D…Miss T began the explanation from the very beginning. And Miss D was like, “Oh, I know that bit already. That’s not what I am asking.” And Miss D kept interrupting and became very impatient with Miss T. Aku yang tengah dengar ni pun rasa annoyed. Bagi akulah kan…org yg bertanya ada tanggungjawab nak dengar explanation org yg ditanya. Kalau pun dia dah tahu bits and pieces yg tengah diexplain, sabarlah dulu…wait until Miss T get to the point yg nak disampaikan. In explaining stuff, there should be a flow to it….so memang org akan mula dgn basic dulu…establish apa yg audience dah faham and then getting to the complicated bit.

   But Miss D was like. “Oh I know that already.” And then she went “But that’s not what I am asking.” And bila dah dapat jawapan from Miss T, Miss D was like, “Well that is simple, then. That’s all I was asking.” So,basically what Miss D wanted to say was “kenapalah ko nak terang kat aku benda2 basic yg aku memang dah tahu. Aku tanya soalan simple jer. Kenapa ko pergi terang panjang2 mcmlah aku ni bodoh sgt.”

   Aku memang tak tahan dgn Miss D! She is all right as a person…I could relate to her well. But when it comes to being a medical student, when it comes to impressing the doctors…I just could not help but make a face. Basically, she knows that she is brilliant, but that’s not enough. She wants everybody else to know it as well.

   If you think that is the worse type of medical student of all…you are in for a surprise. Siapa kata medicine tak inetresting. The type of people yang kita kena jumpa and deal with everyday…makes medicine a very interesting field. Especially for a writer who likes to observe how people behave.

1)The “rhetorical’ medical students
-Pernah tak jumpa org yg tanya soalan and then dier pergi jawab soalan dia sendiri?  Remember how annoyying that person can be? I don’t mean org yang tanya soalan dengan tujuan nak discuss…I mean, org yg ‘berpura2′ tak tahu in the first place, tapi tiba2 lepas dia tanya soalan, dia automatically tahu. Haih…menarik betul if brain works that way. Kalau tak tahu jer, verbalize it out loud, and tiba2 ada wahyu datang meresap dlm hati and then u suddenly know it.

-Aku pernah jer tanya soalan yg aku dah tahu. But my way of doing it is, “Ok, cuba teka apa treatment untuk pulmonary embolism?” Do you know what I mean? To me, the ‘rhetorical’ medical student is the most annoying.

2) The ‘Omniscient’ medical student
This is a student who answers all questions correctly….eventhough the doctor is asking someone else. Why is this student annoying? Sebab, she wants to show off all the time. Steal the limelight all the time. Be the center of attention all the time. Selagi mana dia boleh jawab, dia akan jawab. Bukan nak tunggu student yg ditanya tu tak boleh jawab dulu ke….or tunggu student tu pause lama sikit ke…But no! She will answer everything. Apa saja question, ‘Oh, I know that. And yes, I know that one too. And gosh, I have just studied that one. Basically, I know lots of things.”

Dia annoying sebab bila ada soalan yg betul2 susah yg ditanya kepada student lain, dia tak nak jawab pula. So end up, dia sorang nampak pandai sebab dia asyik jawab soalan yg senang and common knowledge. Tak bagi peluang org lain nak jawab soalan yg senang tu.

And time regional rotation ni, dah byk kali aku nampak Miss  D duk buat benda  cam tu. Tanya soalan kt org lain….tapi dia yg rush jawab.  Sebelum ni, walapun ada solan yg aku reti jawab, aku takkan jawab sampai lah doctor cakap specifically “anyone else knows the answer?”. Sebab kat Malaysia kan ada jer cikgu yg cakap, “Saya tanya Ahmad. Saya tak tahu plak ada dua Ahmad kat sini. Kamu ni Ahmad juga ke? Kalau nama kamu bukan Ahmad, kenapa kamu jawab?”. Aku tak ak lah kena cam tu kat sini. “Afiza, I was not asking you!” Oh man, tu lagi malu!

   Tapi tiba2 aku nampak ramai org duk wat benda yg sama (mayb, diorang rasa mcm aku pun nak kena impress doctor gak. Takkan nak biar Miss D jer nampak pandai)…so aku pun join sekali. Takkan aku plak nak end up senyap and nampak bodoh sorang2. So skang ni, kalau ada jer soalan yg aku leh jawab, aku akan jawab jer walaupun ditanya pada org lain. Tapi, aku tak der arr buat cam tu tiap2 kali. Kalau aku rasa cam aku dah jawab dua tiga kali…aku dah tak jawab lah lepas tu. Tak naklah org rasa aku ni annoying plak. Aku jawab setakat nak cukup syarat “Ok, aku dah contribute to the discussion. That’s it.”

3) The quiet confidence
Aku memang tabik spring kat budak medic yg type ini. They are brilliant, they are nice, they are confident but never show off.

Sebab memang diorang tak payah nak show off pun. Diorang sendiri tahu diorang pandai, orang lain pun tahu diorang pandai. They don’t have to prove themselves to anyone. It’s self-evident. (just like we dun need to prove that the sea contains lots of water, it is clear to see. It is self-evident). That’s why I label this student as ‘quiet confidence’.

   Kadang2 doktor ada gak wonder, budak ni senyap sebab tak tahu apa ke…tapi bila setiap kali doktor tanya soalan kat dia and end up dia boleh jawab, doktor tahulah bahawa budak ni ‘diam-diam ubi berisi.’ Bukan mcm tin kosong, berdengung jer lebih.

And budak medic of this type akan jawab soalan yg susah2 jer, especially bila dah tak der org yg tahu apa jawapan untuk soalan tu. Soalan2 yg senang, dia biar kawan2 lain jawab. (In newcastle, Mancho lah student with quiet confidence. He’s just amazing)

Aku teringin nak jadi org mcm ni. Org yg confident…dier tak takut untuk jadi senyap, because “I know that I know the answers. It’s enough that I know I am brilliant. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I need not show off.”

Aku rasa medical student mcm ni lah yg org respect. Dahlah pandai….tak annoying plak tu. Tak arrogant. Tak show off. Sebab sebenarnya, org yg show off tu lah yg tak confident dgn diri sendiri. Dia kena menggunakan org lain (pura2 tanya soalan yg dia dah tahu, and ambil hak menjawab student lain) untuk nampakkan dia pandai. Full of bullshit (excuse my french).

4) The pseudo-quite confidence

Dalam medicine the word ‘pseudo’ means ‘looks like something.” For example, pseudo-carcinoma. Carcinoma means cancer. So pseudo-carcinoma means,it looks like cancer, but it is actually not.

I belong in this category; the speudo-quiet-confidence

Most of the time, I am quiet.  Tapi, sebab tak nak nampak cam bodoh sgt, I try to couch my facial expression into confidence. I like to fake the look of ‘quiet confidence’. Hahahhaa. Tapi kdg2 bila doktor nak test aku, and find out aku tak tahu, I am stuffed lah kan. So, doktor ni tahu lah aku ni bukan quiet confidence, just quite un-confident.

So yes, tak ramai org yg quiet confidence ni. So actually, most of the time, kalau student tu senyap, memang sebab dier tak tahu. Tak pun, kalau dier tahu, dier tak betul2 sure betul ke tak jawapan yg ada dlm kpala otak dier tu. Byk kali jer aku sembang ngan fellow malaysian…diorang pun cakap “Byk kali kita nak bagi jawapan, tapi kita takut tak betul. Tapi at last bila org lain jawab jawapan yg sama, rupa2 nya jawapan kita tu betul. Geram!”

So, di mana ‘quiet confidence’ takkan takut untuk berdiam diri, org yg pseudo ni pula akan sentiasa risau nak jadi ‘terlalu senyap’. Nanti kang kena aim ngan doktor. So every once in a while, the pseudo person kena juga volunteer jawab sikit2.  Tak berani nak senyap lebih2.

I guess, org mcm aku ni sgt takut buat mistakes. Malu! And takut ideas kena reject. Malu! Takut ini, and takut itu. So, we switch into safe mode, don’t want to get out of our comfort zone. So my thinking pattern is, kalau aku try and salah, aku malu. Kalau aku tak try, org takkan tahu yg aku tak tahu.

Yes, by switching into a safe mode, I dun get embarrassment or rejection. But neither do I get the glory and the sense of achievement.

Conclusion:
The ‘pseudo-quite-confidence’ have to work harder to become ‘quiet confidence’. But the ‘pseudo-quite-confidence’ should NEVER, NEVER EVER become ‘the rhetorical’ or ‘the omniscient’ medical student in her/his attempt to become ‘quiet confidence’. I’d rather be thought stupid than arrogant. At least when ppl think you are stupid, you have the opportunity to impress them every once in a while. But if people think you are arrogant, they are going to remember you as a pain in the ass for the rest of their life.

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Filed under: The life of med student

Afiza’s scale

Posted on May 14th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

I looked hard at the sclera of the elderly gentleman. Is it yellowish? I was not sure.

I swallowed my uncertainty, and looked up to Dr. Veysey and the rest of my tutemates (seven of us).

“The patient has a little bit of jaundice, I think.”

Dr. Veysey smiled, in his cynical manner.

“Hmm…a little bit of jaundice? What do you mean ‘a little bit’ of jaundice? What scale are you using?” He paused to look at my ID tag. “Is it Afiza’s scale?”

I was mortified, but I laughed along with the others. That’s how I cope with embarrassing situation. I just laughed.

The moment Dr. Veysey opened his mouth I knew right then and there that something was wrong with my way of reporting.

Dr. Veysey probably noticed my reddened face, and took pity on me. So he did not wait for my answer and just said, “All right, I am not trying to pick on you…I know all medical students tend to do that. But bear this is mind; patients are either jaundice or not jaundice. You do not say ‘a little jaundice’…or ‘a lot of jaundice’. Is he jaundice or not jaundice?”

Well, he was not jaundice. Just a little bit yellowish due to his old age. So basically, what I should have done during reporting is not interpreting the sign. I should just report what I see. For example, I should say ‘the patient has yellow discolouration on his sclerea. Probably due to his old age. Query jaundice.’

Before coming into third year, exams consisted of MCQ and short answer questions. But now that I am in third year, not only do we have all those exam papers, but also we have short cases; in which we have to examine a patient and then report our findings in a professional way. (and no time was given between examining the patient and presenting the case. You have no time to prepare)

This ’short cases’ is new to me, and it does take getting used to. There are certain words that you have to use in order to look the part. For example, there are two ways you can present a case:

1) This elderly gentleman, age 89 years old, came into the hospital presenting with abdominal pain on his Right lumbar region. He was coughing out blood and he has increased respiratory rate at 26 per minute.”

2)An 89 years old gentleman presented into the hospital with right lumbar abdominal pain, haemoptysis, and tachypnoea at 26 per minute.”

Obviously, the second one is the better one. Words like haemoptysis (meaning coughing out blood) and tachypnoea (increase resp rate)  makes you sound like you belong in the medical settings. The second one is more precise and concise; only takes one sentence for my examiner to get the overall impression about the patient that I have examined.

And just today, the emergency physician was saying that with ’short case’ you have to look in control, confident, and slick, and smart! It’s all about the presentation. Do I look like I am competent? Do I look like I am doing the physical examination, expertly, almost effortlessly? How do I present my case…do I sound convincing?

As with every new things, I tend to hate this at first. And I have worried about it for two weeks now. But I guess, when the exam time comes, and you know you have to go through this anyway, well…you will just do it!

Skrang nih..I am trying to come up with my own style of presentation. How am I going to sound professional and confident when I dun know what the bloody hell is going on with the patient, let alone trying to give a diagnosis and then coming up with reasons why I give that diagnosis!

If I have a heart disease, I would probably have experienced recurrent syncopes (faintings is the normal word) due to tachycardia (increased heart rate) at the mere thought of short case exam. Right now, I am just tooo tired to worry.

At the end of today’s session, Dr. Steve Cameron said something that touched me very profoundly. “You have got to be confident. You deserve to be confident. Obviously, you have to be at a certain level of knowledge to have come this far. You all have done very well. So, show your confidence.”

I almost want to cry (PMS?). Tak sangka ada juga org realize how hard it must be for us, at times. When I saw all these doctors, who have made it, it makes me think that they have always had that level of  knowledge and superiority. Some doctors (even students) nampak macam they have known some medical facts since birth…they dun even need to stop and think (like I did). But actually, it takes times and pratice. Those seemingly effortless confidence comes with burning the midnight oil, and bending over several thick hardcover medical books even at lunch time.

And me? I would never let medical books interfere with my lunch. So, how can I expect to be as good as them? Your output is only as much as your input (sometimes even less).

Yeah, I deserve to be confident. But right now, I am thinking, I dun have much confidence to project at all. And that is only one of the thousand things that I need to work on within 4 weeks from now! I am running out of time…yet I still sleep 8 hours a day?

My problem is…I dun let studying get in the way of my personal comfort until the exam got reaalllly near. Like my dad said, “Dah nak terberak, baru nak korek lubang.”   

Maybe if I just start working really hard right now, I will be as confident as the next medical student. Because in medicine, confidence comes in knowing that you are right. If you are playing guessing game, your confidence is only at the level of those who are playing those guessing games.

But then medicine is not a game! It’s high time I realize that.

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Filed under: The life of med student

Gosford: first impression

Posted on May 3rd, 2008 by fiffyafiza

     Aku sampai kat Gosford lebih kurang pukul 7 malam, dihantar senior Kak H and Kak Y. At first, I only wanted to go by train, rasa tak sedap plak nak menyusahkan sesiapa sebab semua org pun ada kelas. But since Kak H insisted (and I was so glad she did because jalan kat Gosford sikit punya curam, kurang sikit drpd 90 darjah jer) aku pun apa lagi….pucuk dicita, ulam mendatang. huhuhu. Thanks, Kak H and Kak Y, bohot shyukriya hai, gracias!

Accommodation

It’s not too bad, really. Bilik KMB lagi buruk. Bilik KMB lagi kecik. What I mean is, I have seen worse and the condition of the room before my eyes at that moment did not exactly send my head spinning in panic or anything like that. Even though the tv in the common room is rather, uh, antique but it’s really big and it’s working fine enough. There was also a piano at the corner of the room (not that I played).

Malam di Gosford

First night aku sampai tu, aku malas nak mandi. My reason being: I was not sweating at all (even though if I were in NC I would have taken my shower anyway).

I thought I wanted to get a good night sleep. An early sleep. I thought I could do so easily enough since I was so damn tired after I had finished unpacking all my stuff.

I placed my head on the pillow at 9.30. I turned to my right side and closed my eyes. Tapi macam ada yang tak kena. Oh yes…tak der bantal peluk.  My arms feel empty. Kosong. Tak tahu nak letak my arms kat mana. At last, I placed both my hands under my chin…and after awhile I realized why I did that.

It was cold. I was shivering. (I have always been blessed with moderately high metabolism, when others were cold I did not even wear a sweater. Kalau aku salam tangan cikgu jer, cikgu ingat aku demam because my hands are always warm. Memanglah aku mamalia sejati yg berdarah panas sentiasa.)

Hmmph! The blanket provided was just like a piece of thin cloth. Setakat nak cover body jer…bukan untuk tahan sejuk. I felt so exposed and unprotected since I was so used to having a heavy quilt.

Trying to keep my hands warm, aku letak tangan kat perut…and then under my arm…but the cold persisted! Tension!

Pukul 10, aku bangun pakai sweater, and tried to sleep.

Pukul 10.30 aku bangun pakai seluar lagi selapis.

Pukul 11.00 aku bangun pakai stokin.

Kalau aku bawa glove mesti aku dah pakai sekali. Hidung dah berair and tersumbat, made it even harder for me to sleep.

Berkali2 aku terjaga. Pukul 2 aku terjaga lagi. It was one hell of a bad night. I was alone on the top floor (none of the medical students have arrived yet) so terjaga pukul 2 pagi was really a creepy thing. Outside the rain was pouring heavily, pounding against my window, making every sounds imaginable. Tinggal nak tunggu serigala menyalak jer, and then the whole horror movie setting would be complete. Trying to curb my rising anxiety, aku pun baca doa tidur sekali lagi…for reinforcement, if you know what I mean.

I was glad when the morning came.

First morning in Gosford

Solat. Mandi. Breakfast (hanya coffee and biskut kering. memang kurus arr aku cam ni) I made a list of all things that I wanted to buy  (Blanket! Bantal peluk! Glove!Food!) Armed with a map, umbrella and my purse I set off to Woolsworth….

Only to find out that it was Anzac Day! Semua kedai tutup! (Dah, apa aku nak makan ni!) In acute frustration, aku pun ikut sekali perarakan Anzac day tu…I attended the memorial service amidst all the patriotic Australians. I ignored the curious looks of the Gosford people. I just could not endure going back to my room so early in the day, empty handed.

Bila aku balik drpd perarakan tu, my jeans were covered with mud and I was wet all over from the heavy rain. Penat! Aku singgah Newsagency, beli suratkhabar and cari cafe hospital. So, malam tu aku dinner bun and hot chocolate.

And I endured another cold, rainy night with only a thin piece of cloth for a blanket.

If I have not been clear thus far, let me say this in a plain monosyllabe words. I WAS MISERABLE!!

Checking out my GP Placement at Killarney Vale, Wyong Rd

I was relieved when the second morning came. The night was a torture! Berkali2 aku terjaga kesejukan.

I had decided to check out my GP placement…aku nak tahu kat mana lah GP aku ni so that I would know how to get there next Monday. Kalau nak get lost hari ni pun, no worries, as long as aku tak lost on Monday and arrive late plak.

Nak dipendekkan cerita, aku silap naik bas! Haih….how hopeless can I get, hmmm? Maybe my face was so pathetic, konduktor bas tu pun tolong aku work out the bus schedule. Dier siap cakap bas number berapa, and tunggu kat mana. Dier pesan lagi, kalau nak balik drpd Wyong Road nanti, tunggu kat bas stop at this particular side of the road.

And the wonderful news is, aku tak payah tukar bas pun nak ke sana. It would be a straight journey in one bus! Bus number 22! Huaaa….lega nya aku!!

Sementara nak tunggu bas untuk balik semula ke Gosford, aku pergi shopping makanan kt BI-Lo. Lapar tu tak payah cerita…sebab aku tak breakfast pun lagi! Balik jer bilik, aku buat binge eating. 3 keping tuna sandwich, berkeping2 rice crackers, secawan kopi.

Lepas dah sendawa sambil mendengar lagu kt laptop…baru aku rasa mcm…Hah, lega!! I felt a semblance of normalcy. Rasa mcm aku kt bilik di Newcastle.

Maybe smalam aku miserable sebab aku lapar kot. After I have eaten I felt a lot better.

Tak der beza sgt pun Gosford and NC. Cuma kat sini aku malas nak buka tudung. Duduk dlm bilik pun aku pakai tudung, dah habis solat Isyak baru aku buka. Malas nak buka/pakai tudung setiap kali nak ke toilet or nak pergi kitchen. After solat Isyak, aku dah tak kuar bilik.

And that night, I was so excited to get to sleep and try on my new wool blanket. It was still cold. But it was not too bad.

The reason I am able to update this blog is because I am currently back in NC. And tomorrow I will go back to Gosford. Saja balik nak amik barang; extra blanket, hanger, glove, hair dryer.

Rindu betul aku kt bilik di NC…so warm, so nice, so big, so very convenient. Rasa bebas, tak payah pakai sweater all the time. Tu pasal caner murah pun rumah kt luar, aku sedar kenapa aku berat hati nak keluar drpd on-campus. Rumah kt luar sejuk (esp kalau kayu)…memang boleh pasang heater, tapi siap lah bayar bil elektrik, and kalau hujan, tak der dryer untuk dry baju. Lepas tu, mesti ada tak senang hati dgn housemate yg tak buat giliran mengemas (basuh bilik air, cuci dapur, cuci stove, vacum). Lepas tu memendam rasa and muak dengan org yg tak reti nak kemas!

Aku tak kata aku ni suka mengemas! Tak der lah nak cakap aku ni rajin sgt! Tapi sebab aku tak suka mengemas lah aku tak buat semak! Nak buat semak tak kisah! (kalau nak semak bilik sendiri, lagi aku tak kisah) Tapi kemas lah balik!

Kat on-campus ada cleaner. Ko tak payah nak risau siapa nak kemas bilik air, siapa nak vacum carpet. Ko jaga jer bilik sendiri. So walaupun mahal (ala, mahal 20 dollar jer)…I pay for the quality. I pay for the cleaner, for the warmth, for the convenience of having a washing machine together with a dryer so that when winter comes, I don’t need to worry camna baju aku nak kering!

I guess, I pay extra for the luxury of not having to worry about minor things like that. Sebab byk lagi benda yg aku kena risau!

Some say when u live outside, ur more independent. Brother Danu pernah ckp kt aku, “You will feel like adult with responsibilities.”

Hmmph..I told him, “I will delay taking responsibilities as long as I can.” Bukannya aku tak nak grow up and take responsibilities. Kalau mmg tu tanggungjawab, mmg kena buatlah. Tapi kenapa nak tercari2 tanggungjawab tu. Tanggungjawab yg ada pun belum tentu dah buat dengan perfect. With all due respect, I dun see how living outside menyebabkan org lebih bertanggungjawab. Semata2 sebab ko kena basuh toilet sendiri? Or sebab ko kena kemas dapur sendiri? I have tried living outside time IMS…and the messy people in the house drove me loco! Ada org tak reti nak buang sampah (tong sampah dah penuh pun, dia sumbat juga sampai melimpah, tapi tak der hati nak angkut sampah buang kt luar), ada org tak reti nak lap bila makanan dier tumpah. Ader kuli pulak nak jaga kemas! Bagi aku, duduk luar mmg memendam rasa…sometimes I wish I was more like who I was 5 years ago. Tak puas hati, terus melenting. Tapi sebab dah besar ni, aku dah malas nak marah2. Tapi kalau tak marah, kena bertahan.

Aku plak mmg tak tahan lama! Nanti buat bergaduh jer! So, I decided staying on-campus is the best option for me. Putting up with messy ppl…is a NO  NO!!

Huhuhu. Apsal tiba2 ckp pasal messy ppl ni? I guess, because I was thinking too much about how convenient my room in NC is. And bila aku compare ngan bilik kt Gosford…jauh panggang dari api. And compare dgn umah kt luar…hmmm, aku lagi rela duk Gosford. Aku sanggup being alone. Tapi aku takkan sanggup kemas other people’s mess.

Tapi aku teringat satu hadis ni. I can’t recall the exact words but it goes something like this. “Lagi baik kita bergaul dengan org ramai and bersabar dgn kerenah diorang, drpd duduk sorang2.”

And in a way it’s true. Sebab rahmat datang dalam jemaah. Tapi aku ambil pendekatan; the lesser of two evils. Aku tak nak bertengkar dlm perkara remeh (in a way tak lah remeh…bersih pun separuh drpd iman kan), tapi aku tahu aku takkan bertahan lama dgn org yg mcm ni…so lebih baik aku duduk alone. Lagi pun I still got Suhaila in the house..tak der lah aku alone pun. And I try to still contact and keep in touch with other malaysians yg duk luar…so it was not too bad. And aku kenal ramai students from other culture; my housemates other than Suhaila are all foreigners. Bak kat Suhaila, tanggungjawab kita lagi besar. Nak kena explain, kenapa kami tak boleh join diorang pergi party. Nak kena explain kenapa kami tak boleh bagi dier pinjam periuk kami bila diorang nak masak pork. Nak kena explain kenapa bila diorang bawa balik kawan lelaki, kitorang kena pakai tudung bila nak masak kat dapur. Kalau ada news pasal terrorist kt tv, nak kena explain lagi. Nak kena maintain good ethical manners in the house because we represent the Muslims. And aku dgn Suhaila siap bagi hint lagi pasal alcohol…”Binge drinking is actually a form of drug abuse. You are abusing alcohol.” Kitorang mcm kakak in the house, pesan kat diorang setiap kali Friday night…do not exceed ur standard drinks. Tu pun tanggungjawab gak! Semua org ada tanggungjawab masing2.

Entahlah, maybe bila aku rasa aku dah betul2 sabar tahap dewa tu…aku duk luar. For now, I love my NC room! MMuaaahhss! So comfy!

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Filed under: The life of med student

Gosford, I am coming. (and worried sick over you!)

Posted on April 20th, 2008 by fiffyafiza

“It is better to just go ahead and do it, rather than worry sick about it beforehand,” - Somebody very wise must have said this, but I have not committed to memory who that person is.

All I know is, that person must be full of wisdom.

Tahu tetapi tidak mampu

Sometimes, it is not enough to just know that something is such and such. You got to have the ability to translate what you know into action as well.

-Aku tahu aku tak patut buang masa habiskan my novel, tapi aku tidak mampu nak resist.

-Aku tahu aku patut stop layan housemates aku bersembang, tapi aku tak mampu nak menghalau “nyah engkau dari bilik aku.”

And lately, I got one very heavy thing on my mind.

I know, I am absolutely convinced, that I should stop worrying about things in general whenever there are some changes about to take place, but I could not stop doing it! Aku tak mampu.

I have offcially diagnosed myself with Anxiety Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified).

Is it just habit?

I could not recall when exactly have I developed the tendency to worry. The furthest my memory could take me was when I was seven years old, when I was about to attend jamuan hari raya kat sekolah.

I still remember my conversation with my maid (my dearest Kak Milah yang jaga aku drpd baby sampai umur aku 11 tahun. In some ways, I was much closer to her than I was with my own mom)

“Kak Milah, rasanya kena bawa beg sekolah tak?” I asked her in all my innocent childhood cuteness (Hahhaaah. It’s my blog, I am allowed to perasan every now and then).

“Hari ni kan jamuan. Tak payah bawalah. Bukannya belajar pun,” Kak Milah jawab.

“Tapi kalau cikgu nak ajar juga, macam mana?” I asked her, worry was written all over my face.

“Kalau cam tu bawalah beg sekolah.” Kak Milah balas, senang hati.

“Tapi kalau kawan2 angah yang lain tak bawa? Nanti diorang gelakkan angah.”

“Kalau macam tu, tak payahlah bawa beg. Senang cerita.”

Muka aku mula nak sebek (bodoh tul aku time kecik dulu). Aku rasa tak puas hati dengan jawapan Kak Milah tu. Kenapa dia tidak boleh mendalami my worries? Bagi jawapan senang2 jer mcm tu…kejap cakap bawa, kejap tak payah. Cuba justify sikit!

Sampai nak dekat 15 minit I was like, “Nak bawa ke tak….nak bawa ke tak?” Memang penatlah Kak Milah nak layan aku punya hypothetical scenarios. Kalau cikgu nak ajar? Tapi kalau sebenarnya cikgu tak nak ajar? Tapi kalau kawan2 angah bawa beg, angah sorang tak bawa? Tapi kalau angah sorang je bawa beg?  (My only excuse is: I was only seven! My stupidity was allowed!)

Kak Milah sampai penat sangat, she was like “Hah, tak payah pi sekolah lagi senang! Biar ayah balik kerja nanti ayah marah, senang cerita!” Lepas tu, memang aku menangislah sambil tunggu bas sekolah kat luar rumah. Kak Milah memang tak tahan dengan aku nih. I was like, “Kak Milah cepatlah cakap. Nak bawa ke tak ni? Pakcik bas dah nak sampai ni!”

“Mana Kak Milah tau! Bukannya Kak Milah yang pi sekolah.” Waaaa waaaaa! Lagilah muka aku berkerut menahan anxiety yang memuncak.

Tapi aku end up bawa beg sekolah. And bila aku dah naik bas, aku found out kawan2 aku tak bawa beg sekolah, bawa makanan jer. Tapi yang anehnya, aku dah tak risau. Sebab aku dah found out: Oh, sebenarnya tak payah bawa beg. Instead, kawan2 aku plak yang risau. “Kenapa hangpa bawa beg? Hari ni blajaq ek? Kami tak bawa ni, macam mana!”

I guess my pattern of thoughts is : I hate uncertainties and I hate having to make choices. I worry and worry and worry (lantaklah mcm mana hebatnya org lain cuba pujuk aku, I will not stop worrying until aku dah find out for certain)….tapi bila aku dah find out, aku akan lega walau mcm mana teruk pun benda yg aku find out tu.

Bukannya aku tak tahu konsep redha…kenapa nak risau?  Tapi, I could not help it! Memang aku mcm tu!

Bila benda dah jadi, walaupun aku sedih/marah/etc aku still akan redha, iA. Tapi sementara nak tunggu benda tu jadi, I will worry. And worry. And worry. Non-stop.

As I grew up, I realized people will get tired of me kalau aku asyik nak risau jer. So, aku pun cuma tunjuk kerisauan sikit2 jer…after that, I made myself stop talking about it, tunjuk cool. Wakakkaka. Mcm sem lepas, penat Cik D nak layan aku punya “Apsal Dr. Shah cam tengok aku mcm annoyed ngan aku jer?” so after awhile, aku dah stop cakap pasal Dr. Shah sebab kesian kt Cik D ni lah.

Gosford

Semalam aku dapat emel from Sophie, telling me that accommodation aku kat Gosford dah ready. Aku kena ambil kunci this Thursday, and then I would begin 8 weeks of my life kat Gosford.

I perused the e-mail with deep-seated anxiety and dismay. Toilet share? Tak der stove, and just microwave? GP placement kat Wyong, the middle of nowhere? The GP I was assigned with is an Asian bernama Simon Chang(I had bad experience with Asian doctors. Bad experience. Negative reinforcements, if you still remember behavioural theory).

Benda2 ni serabut kepala otak aku! As far as I am concerned, I am about to go out of my orderly, timetabled life…into a life of chaos! My routine would be changed.

I have diagnosed myself with OCD.

Toilet share

This means, guys and girls share the same damned toilets and showers! Susah! Susah!

Paling kurang, ambil air sembahyang, ada gak 5 kali nak masuk toilet. And then nak mandi lagi, dah dua kali. Tu belum lagi nak buang air besar/air kecil in between. Dahlah setiap kali pun nak kena angkut botol bila masuk toilets.

I worried about it and aku cuba fikir solution: Maybe aku boleh mandi sehari sekali jer? And maybe aku boleh jaga air sembahyang aku untuk dua waktu?

Tapi my anxious side cakap: Tapi mcm mana kalau ko nak jogging ke petang2 (I have developed a hobby of walking petang2…tapi nak bagi sedap dengar, aku cakap jogging. Hahahha). Mesti balik jogging nak mandi. So kalau pagi2 nak kena mandi pergi hospital, mcm mana nak mandi sehari sekali jer kalau petang nak jogging? Takkan nak busuk for the rest of the night? Tidur busuk2 cam tu? Aaaargghhhh! Katakanlah aku sanggup tinggalkan hobby jogging ni selama 8 minggu, mcm mana kalau muscle2 yg aku dah penat2 develop ni mengecil…you know like, muscle wasting or atrophy or something like that. Oh, bugger!

Tak ada stove and refrigerator so small, might as well be non-existent.

Bagi aku, makan nasi and goreng telur dengan kicap pun dah sedap.

Aku tak expect pun nak makan sedap2. Tapi, at least aku nak makan nasi. And paling kurang pun nasi kering dengan telur, tak der kuah pun tak per. I dun mind.

So, aku worried apa aku nak makan dengan ada microwave jer? Aku nak beli jer selalu, macam lah aku ni kaya sgt kan! And macamlah byk sgt choice yang halal.

Aku cuba fikir solution: Beli fish finger, beli french fries, letak dalam microwave and then makan dengan sos cili. Sedap, per! Lepas tu breakfast, makan roti sapu mentega and jam pun orait gak! Lunch tu… ko diet jerlah, Afiza. Tak payah makan. Tak pun, beli hot chocolate. Kenyang juga.(yeah, right!)

My worried side: Mcm tak cukup nutrients jer makanan aku ni. Sayur tak der. Protein tak der…fish finger tu lagi byk tepung drpd ikan! Kalau aku sembelit sebab tak der sayur, mcm mana? Kalau aku tak der energy nak study sebab tak cukup makan?

Asian GP

Ok, aku memang paranoid dengan Asian doctors. Time first year, I got an Indian for my GP…so damn fussy! Dier lah yg suruh aku amik patient Hx in 10 minutes…apa kah!

Nasib baik the rest of my GP placements aku dapat dengan Australians. Diorang baik2…aku senang jer nak minta solat kat tempat diorang. Diorang ramah, ada saja benda nak cakap dgn aku.

GP yang aku dapat kali ni Chinese. Aku risau, adakah dia expect aku dah third year and I am supposed to know everything. When the fact is, I have forgotten lots of stuff! And kalau dia tak friendly, I would feel quite wary nak tanya “Do you have any place where I can perform my prayer? Will not be more than 10 minutes!”

The thing is, setiap kali pun aku risau pasal GP yg aku akan jumpa. Tapi except Dr. RJ tu, semua GP lain end up with me liking them very much. So, aku harap aku akan end up enjoying this placement as well. But at the back of my mind, I worried : What if this time, it would a GP placement from hell? I can’t be lucky every time kan!

Wyong (that’s where my GP placement is)

I am even worse at reading maps than I am at doing maths! No kidding! Like Maths, map is not one of my specialities.

Aku macam disoriented. Adakah kiri/kanan dlm map sama dengan kiri/kanan aku sekrang ni? Huhuhu. And I got lost quite easily. Kalau aku baru first time sampai kat satu2 tempat, aku tak tahu mcm mana nak naik bus. Aku tak tahu nak tunggu kat bus stop at which side of the road. And then, macam mana aku nak tahu nak tekan loceng bila, kat tempat mana?  Aku tak tahu tempat tu kat mana, so caner aku nak tahu bila aku dah sampai?

Ni, bagi aku, memang masalah besar! Setakat tak cukup nutrients and kena limit my toilet usage, aku boleh jer nak buat….it just takes patience and determination. Tapi kalau aku lost…

Ok, I love adventure. Kalau betul pun aku lost…kalau aku ada peta, maybe aku akan cuba juga figure out. At last, iA, mesti sampai juga. Tapi, tu bila aku tak ada appointment, tak payah sampai on time. So, aku ada byk masa nak figure out and nak get lost again and again.

Tapi, as a med student, aku mmg kena sampai on time. It is professional behaviour. Kalau aku get lost berjam2….who is going to rescue me? I dun know anyone!

My attempt at positive thinking: Ala Afiza, ko kena figure out sekali jer. Paling teruk pun , ko get lost skali jer. Lepas tu, ko tahulah caner nak pergi. Satu lagi, sesat jalan kena tanya! Use your damn mouth and ask around! This is not the time to be shy!

My negative thinking: Ok fine, aku get lost skali jer. Tapi…masalah transport plak. Kalau aku guna bus route yg straight to Wyong, aku kena naik bas pagi gila…and sampai sana kul 7.30, terkulat2 sorang2 kat situ…semua kedai pun tutup lagi, tak der siapa yang buka bisnes pagi2 buta cam tu!From 7.30 to 9.00, aku nak lepak kat mana? Nak buat apa? Kalau ada org nak culik aku pun tak mustahil!

Kalau aku guna bus route yang lain pula, aku kena change bus 2 kali, baru sampai Wyong. Tapi mcm mana kalau bus first tu terlambat and then I will miss the second bus? Tu baru hal nak pergi ke GP….belum lagi nak balik. Kalau balik pukul 5…nak tunggu tukar bas semua, entah kat mana aku nak smayang Asar. And entah2 bila sampai balik ke Gosford dah nak habis maghrib.

Huh! Benda2 mcm ni serabut!

Tapi aku rasa, aku memang patut stop worrying. Just go and deal with the problems when (or if) they come. Tak payah fikir teruk2. Bila dah jadi, baru fikir mcm mana nak deal. Skrang cool dulu, tak payah fikir lagi.

But my anxious side say: Kalau tak fikir skrang, nanti bila benda dah jadi, tak der idea/preparation nak tackle the problem. Lagi teruk! Time tu baru nak menyesal!

Hmmph! I rest my case. I cannot reason with myself. Maybe I should just accept that it is my lot in life to be worried and thinking too much all the time.

Maybe I am always meant to be a doctor. Because kebanyakan doktor memang ada OCD and anxious personality. Diorang teliti, and worried about their patients. Diorang OCD about hand washing etc.

I hope for the best outcome kat Gosford nanti. And now, I will go back to my maps and bus routes.

Last note:

“Know that if the whole ummah were to gather together to benefit you, it’d benefit you only with something Allah has prescribed for you. And that if they gather together to harm you with anything, they would harm you only with something Allah had already prescribed for you. ” -This time, I know who said this piece of wisdom. Our Noble Prophet, Muhammad S.A.W.  It gives me a sense of peace that the first quote at the start of this entry failed to do.

So, why worry,darling?

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Filed under: The life of med student

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